why does it happen to me all the time?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sunshinesunny, Mar 5, 2008.

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  1. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    This in one question that i have always been trying to put off my mind and trying to really ignore it but now that reality has been mocking at me sneering with utter contempt i now ask any one of you on this forum to kindly give your opinions as to what has been happening in my life and is it a solution to move to a western country for i am sick of pakistani society and the mean character less , corrupt, criminalised culture which is both oppressive and suppressive to an up right principled man.....

    I am sunny from pakistan and I was born in 1979 so that makes me pretty old but really i don't remember when and how all these years have passed all i know is being worried and mentally tortured all the time....

    I have serious social problems with my family and the society along with my medical condition i.e constant pain in abdomen and head. I have two married sisters and my father passed away 2 years back and mother is old but she still behaves like the way she always did back when father was alive and he too was equally mean and misbehaving....

    My early child hood was rather okey and parents were not all that mean to me
    except for my mother who had made it a strict rule for me not to talk to girls some thing which i did not understand at that time. From a very early age i was put to shame for talking to girls while my mother and sisters would talk to boys and men freely, even father always voiced with mother and sisters and was opposed to my interacting with girls. Now that thing really caused me embarrassment and i would feel ashamed infornt of other children. During my schooling again i was kept away from girls and my mother was so irreasonably obstinate about my not interacting with girls and i was not allowed out of the house to play with other kids and the reason they gave was that they were protecting me and keeping me away from danger. My mother father and sisters were in collusion right from the beginning and they never accepted me as an equal member of the family.

    So all the time i would stay in house after school and i had intimate interest in science and engineering and learned to play all by my self for i simply had no one to play with me. By this time i Had convinced my self that the reason my parents are keeping me away from girls is that it is stipulated in religion and that its equally moral to do so, I never questioned my self or my mother that why would she talk to men if she would not allow me to talk to girls for i feared her and her nasty behavior which i wanted to behave...my second sisters was always fighting with me and both my parents would always blame me and take side with her. That would make me feel treated very unjustly but i would simply weep for some time and forget it later..

    This continued till the time i reached puberty and developed an irresistible urge to seek contact with girls...I was in 7th grade then and unluckily ( for it availed me nothing) was very good looking and very well proportioned body wise. I was ashamed of girls and people taking so much interest in me and my social ineptitude made me feel so inferior. My mother was very conscious of it all and she would get very violent if she ever saw me even standing close to children where girls were present. My second elder sister was meeting boys socially and no one objected to that in house.

    Not just that my mother and sisters would collude with other such mean females and insult me and put me to shame blaming me for looking at females.

    At this time i got very sober and serious. And developed strange stipulations which are devastating my life till now these were as follows

    1- I am not to seek happiness for it is always sort lived so its better to be gloomy all the time

    2- I am not to question any of the stipulations that i impose on my self and that my parents and every other person who does injustice to me is right and i am wrong

    3- I am to study all the time and quit playing for i am older now

    4- It is inline with religion and morality to stay away from females and that sex is satanic and evil. From that point on ward i would get very angry if a girl showed interest in me and some times would mis behave to repel them away from me for i felt very bad about it.

    5- I am not to associate with people and live aloof

    6- I am not to understand society and politics and absolutely use no politics at all be totally simple under the assumption that if I am good and simple others will respect it and not be wicked to me an assumption which has always proven wrong.

    7- Then I had a stipulation to be thorough and perfect and to seek the foundations and reasons of every thing and not use things including medicine which i did not have knowledge about..

    8- I will afflict my self with physical and mental torture and deliberately create conflicts in my mind and thinking for i felt ashamed of living an easy life

    9- I felt inferior to others and thought it important to work alone on my English and knowledge to come and face people

    10- I will not directly experience things instead would imagine and simulate the situation in my mind and learn things that way..

    my parents sent me to a cheap third class school while being in they army they could send me to any good army public school. I used to walk 3 miles each way to and back from school while other children would use the bus and it was NWFP a province where fully frown men fear abductions for ransom and to top it all i was a charming boy and that province is notorious for homosexuality. I did not know any of that. where were my parents then who always claimed that they would not let me out of the house for they were protecting me. They infact, cared it a fig if any thing would happen to me. My school principal was concerned and told my father that people were objecting to my studying in that school and they wanted me to go to a more secure settings.

    I worked very very hard and my class teacher got very jealous of that and wanted his son to be good as well. He even used his contacts in the educational board to lessen my marks in humanities papers for i was very good in sciences and was topping the nation. Despite that i topped the school and the city.

    during that time i was continuously getting weaker day by day and had this terrible nasal infection which remained with me all through out the year with fever and chills yet i was determined to study and take every thing that people or circumstances threw my way...

    I was masturbating like 7 times a day back then for i just felt the urge to and that further deteriorated my health.. and just before my 10th send ups i became totally impotent and i had fluid leaking all the time.

    I discussed the problem with mother and she said that it was a sign of a bad character and that further depressed me. They did not take me to a doctor instead they took me to a traditional hakeem who gave me his medicines which were of no use.

    when the time came for college i still had the marks to make it to the best college in the country but then my family clearly showed how mean they were . My sisters were jealous of it all for they had never studied that hard and had subsequently gone to the ordinary schools.

    they clearly told me to go to that another third class college or leave their house. I asked my mother weeping why they were not send me to that college and she said laughing in a sinister way that it would only benefit me not them. I ran to father and asked him to send me to that college and he said that he wanted me to be equal with sisters and i said i have worked hard for the college position and i deserve it and he said run away dog you got marks get lost.

    I was very weak and again resolved to work hard in the 2 years of college an make it to professional uni i even changed my subjects from pre engineering to premed thinking that it would help me in seeking treatment for my disease which my parents were not willing to get treated.

    I was so weak and sick that I missed the papers that year and had to undergo a nasal surgery. but my abdominal pain and sexual dysfunction continued. I did part 1 next year but again fell sick next year and did poorly..

    mother was insisting that i was just feaning and was not sick and father was so mean he said that i was not his son and that he only had daughters and that i should die. Mother said that she was not willing to talk to me and sisters who had by now found their fiances wanted me to leave the house and so did the parents. Society had out cast me and the military hospital was not accepting me. So there I lay in bed crying with pain for 3 weeks and finally there was dark red blood in urine. I went to hospital and the paramedic was very concerned and the doctor diagnosed urinary tact infection and that both my kidneys were swollen. He prescribed me very heavy antibiotics four times a day. I took the medicine and grew extremely weak and revisited the hospital to find another doctor who sat with his hands on his head and asked me who had prescribed the medicine and i told him his fellow colonel and he grumbled that did he want to kill me.

    Father was being cruelly mean and said that all the teachers in college were against me and so were all the doctors in hospital and that i all the society was upset because of me. Mean human being that he was while there were people in that very society who told me that i was crushed between my family and some very rich mean people who were jealous of my looks intelligence and popularity with girls. Father said that it was not his duty to educate me and my sister now married told me that the house belonged to her after parents and that she would not let me live in that house and that people dont spend on son's education rather they do do on daughters education.

    when i regained some strength i again asked them to send me to college and they did but i had to travel daily about 100 km from that backward city to Lahore which was my parents native city but they chose to live in that most dirty city in Asia after retirement. Gujranwala it is a dirty city with a very high crime rate and people are very poky and intrusive. I had not fully recovered from my disease and started going to college daily and missed three classes for could not reach in time and after one month i was struck off the roll.

    There i sat for another year in house depressed and un interested in life and then i again asked them to send me to college to study.

    This time they sent me to an Islamic university while i was a fairly modern person with dreams of making my own music band. I was treated horribly in that place teachers were in collusion with Islamic union who would often drag me in provoked fights and blame me for it. I again fell very sick and called back home. My sister said that they did not care about us and that it was always I who was creating problems for the family. I ran to military hospital and they admitted me but did not give me any medication for i was not entitled. I had fever so high that i could feel pressure in my brain. And when father came to see me the first thing he did was to utter some sore words. and took me to a soup shop and forced me to take chicken corn soup and that gave me a terrible throat infection. I had exams due in one weak and was discharged from hospital and could not do as well on papers... I remained there for two years until it was all too much for me for i did not have my room and i was living in university mosque....I decided to come back to live with family as they had shifted to lahore....

    The very first day that i reached back home mother started saying that i was worth the treatment i received at the islamic university and that i was a low
    despicable creature.... and i feel in deep depression for 2 years. My origional plan was to transfer my credits abroad to some institution and i contacted a few student consultant's but my parents were not willing to give me the money needed. Then one day when both my sisters were at home with their husbands mother provoked me and a commotion started and the two men 10 years my elder started beating me viciously pounding my head and face. father said that i was to blame and that he could not side up with a criminal and demanded that i return his money that he had spent on my islamic uni education and leave his house. I had 6 stitched on my upper lip for it was totally open and my cranium was fractured. I was publicly humiliated by my father many times who would say that he was going to take me to the doctor but would instead take me to bazaar and start uttering sore words at me tearing my hair and saying that i am not to return back home with him.

    I was ashamed to go out of house and meet people for no one respected me and where ever i go i found people wither in a net work or grouped. I never found my chance to discover society and social interaction for all the time i was either trying to study or was laying ill or tried to search for universities and scholarships abroad on internet.

    some how mother thought that i should study and she gave me the money to do a BBA followed by an MBA HRM. I topped the entry test for MBA and it was mother again who said that she would see to it that do not go far and that i should never rise in life.

    folks now i am 28 way old and i yet have to find my first job. She even now wants me to get married but i don't have any desire left for life....I just don't want to commit suicide for i don't want the mean cruel people to win but i don't want to live either so i wish my disease cause my death sooner and please i want some peace and tranquility..

    I had big DREAMS of living in a western country as a doctor or a technical person and enjoying life but all that went to ruins for i ended up losing 6 years of my life which went utterly wasted and i could not study the subjects and at the level which would win me the immigration to uk or Canada.

    I was such a gifted person. intelligent, handsome, charming lovable but what have the society and family turned me into. I would have made an excellent doctor, engineer or a lawyer had i been allowed to study while enjoying life. But people around me are mean and they know that i am alone and in fact

    As emily bronte said " I AM THE ONLY BEING"
  2. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member


    Your story makes me realise how lucky I am in some ways. I'm Indian and living in a western country, it's not that great, standards of living are good but you can't escape from other problems. Despite being in a western country, and working so hard, I still can't get into medicine and become a doctor.

    I have to ask though, why do you put up with such treatment? You're 28 so it's high time you left your parents. I know it will be hard with your health problems (stop masturbating so much, exposing your 'tool' to infectious conditions, that would be a start), but surely escaping to another place would be worth the risk from suffering from your health problems?

    The life you have lived is surely worse than hell. You can escape it. Take your belongings, some money if possible, and move to another city, far away from your parents and sisters. Hell, jump on the back of a cargo train, and go where it takes you. Your family's not supposed to know about this as well, by the way. Make a living in the city, doing small time jobs, and work your way up to the top, maybe earn yourself enough money to go to college. Who knows, a better environment and morale could lead to your health improving.

    Escaping would be the top priority here. You don't need these people. I can understand how oppressive indian/pakistani parents can be, and the family pressures. Society changes though, and the rules which were there 150 years ago are not valid now. You're 28, and capable of being independent. Run away from home, leave your oppressive family, your old horrible life, and your stipulations behind.

    It's time to start your new life.
  3. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    I totally agree with SickOfLive.
    i am starting to think that you have to make your own path in this world, however hard or painful that may be. In another area you will be able to get better healthcare, and use your incredible knowledge to its potential.
    You will be able to realise your self worth, and in time maybe get all the things that will make you happy.
    I work partly regarding immigration cases in the UK, and its not an easy place to be allowed to stay, but you have to make your journey now, wherever it may take you, and at least give yourself the chance of happiness.
  4. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    What surprised me about your story is the fact that your Muslim parents were oppressive against you the male child, when in Islamic culture it’s the female that is oppressed. Do you know why your parents were this way?

    To me it looks like you got a very bad hand dealt in life my friend. I truly feel for you because from your story I can tell there wasn’t much you could do to escape most of the things that happened to you. And you did try your best. We can’t help who we are born to. Unfortunately, you were born to the wrong parents.

    The above to posters made great suggestions as far as getting out of your parents house. But I know that the culture, society, economic condition and lack of government support in that area makes it very very difficult for that to be done successfully. I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully things will get better for you.
  5. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    Yes, right u are. My parents always loved their daughters. Mother even told me that i was the unwanted one. What can i say no pain is ever too great to bear especially when one has no choice.
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