Why does it have to keep coming back?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shad()w, Jun 21, 2008.

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  1. Shad()w

    Shad()w Member

    Everytime things start getting better for me they soon take a nosedive back down. I don't see a point in continuing the struggle except that I don't want my mom to hurt if I killed myself. But damn it's hard.

    I'm living with my family again after moving out of my appartment (I was hearing stuff and my doctor didn't want me to be alone). But my folks usually just ignore me and I tend to be by myself a lot. My meds don't stop the suicidal feelings from coming back, they only calm me down a bit so I feel like I'm on my own. I had to leave school (again) because of this so now I won't be around anyone I know at college since I keep getting myself behind. I have to start all over again trying to make friends. I feel like I lost all the progress I made.

    I guess what I wanted to ask is if anyone feels the same way that I do, like, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can never reach it. No matter what I do I come around full circle to where I was before. I'm really tired of this constant fight with depression and don't know how long I'm going to keep it up.
  2. mittens

    mittens Active Member

    know the feeling of lost progress.

    avid guitar, violin, and piano player for the better part of my life (3+ hours a day in my teen years)

    cant play anymore.

    also, a year leading up to my injury i started working out alot, and strict dieting.

    now im severely atrophied to the point where i cant lift more than 10lbs.

    im with you
  3. Shad()w

    Shad()w Member

    That's horrible. I don't think I would ever have the strength to deal with injury, I'm too weak a person inside.

    I used to play trombone in highschool and loved it very much, went to music competitions and did all the parades around. I gave up when I started college because I went in to science and thought I didn't have time for music anymore. I ended up selling the trombone too. One of my worst mistakes. Music enriches the soul and it would help me a lot with my depression.
  4. mittens

    mittens Active Member

    you and me both.

    but yeah, it really helped me-form of meditation they say? balances things out

    anyway, it sounds like you have some shopping to do. ha.

    get your mind off things and aid with your current state-somthing to do as well thats progressive. maybe you could even come back to school at some point and join some sort of orchestra or band.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    College is a little different than high school.People come and go as the semesters change so it wouldn't seem so odd for you to start again. Age also is not quite as much of a factor, so don't give up on that avenue. Mittens is right about band. Maybe you could talk to the music professor. Trombome players are always in demand. It may give you the boost you need. Take care. :hug:
  6. Shad()w

    Shad()w Member

    Yeah, I should definitely save for something, at least a keyboard. I don't think my college will let me into band at this point but I could always play by myself.
  7. mittens

    mittens Active Member

    yes and no

    5+ hours a day can do alot in a short period of time

    also, just because you may not be ale to perform right away, undoubtedly you could practice until you get up your chops. had to do that my senior year of HS, didnt know how to read music or know much about classical training.

    even if you dont want to do the band thing i know youll find other people to play with regardless
  8. kaceechase

    kaceechase New Member

    Dear Shadow,

    I Do Know the feeling well. So many times I can see the Light at the end of a long black tunnel, I can almost feel the warmth of the sun and fell what it might feel like to be actually happy then like you I nosedive. I know for me it is a lack of self esteem. Just when I feel like I might be successful at something I sabatoge it before it hurts me first. I was molested when I was 4yo and even though I know he is dead andf that I am safe and That all people aren't like that, I find it hard to trust, even myself. BUT the one thing I know is there is a Light! I know it is there and I know I have touched it a few times so I believe in that Light.That is why I continue and never give up. Some day someone or something is going to find me and it will be exactly what I need to Live In The Light. I believe this with all my soul. and I believe this for you as well. I send you every Positive thought, Wish and Dream and Prayer and Hope we both find What We need to Be happiliy Ever After.

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