Why does the darkness of the night make me dark inside?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AxiomUltimatum, Apr 20, 2011.

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  1. AxiomUltimatum

    AxiomUltimatum Well-Known Member

    Why are the nights so unbearable?
    Is it the isolation and loneliness?
    Is it the lack of distraction?
    Why can I smile in the face of others and continue my tasks like a "normal" person during the day but when the night comes I can't pretend any more?
    Why do they think I'm so happy, confident and above all an utter joy when all I can feel is anguish and self torture?
    Why can I hide my scars so well from others yet I cannot blind myself to them?
    Why after all the help I've been given, can they only see the successful me I portray in the hours of light and despite them believing they know me so well, why can they not strip away my mask?
    Why can they not answer me when I finally tell them the truth?
    Why do the words I speak from my heart cause them to question their own beliefs?
    Why are there so many questions not a single person can answer?
    Just why?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I think night brings back so many things for us, feelings of vunerablity, being alone...many of us have these reactions as well...the monsters always have their dance at night...wish I could answer some of your questions, but do know they are ones so many ppl here grapple with too...welcome again, J
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I'm not sure if you're expecting answers or if some/all of your questions are more rhetorical. I know I've asked myself most if not all of them at some time, and I'm sure others here have asked themselves, too.

    Your questions in and of themselves show a lot of insight and self-awareness. You've partly answered some of your questions. Nighttime is the "quiet" time for most people. We get away from the scrutiny of others and let our guard down. We have only ourselves and whatever we have on our minds. During the day, activities, people, work, etc. can be obligations and/or distractions.

    I don't know why people don't see beneath the masks we wear or why they don't know what to say when we do tell them how badly we're feeling sometimes. Maybe we've been such good actors they find it hard to believe there is a mask. Maybe they're shocked. Lots of people are even scared of deep emotions, especially the darker emotions. Some people avoid emotions/darker emotions in others because they are afraid of their own feelings...Just possibilities.

    I hope you'll keep posting here. I know you'll find lots of others who feel similarly.

    Thinking of you,
  4. AxiomUltimatum

    AxiomUltimatum Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for welcoming me and responding so fast.
    I guess it really eases a part of the loneliness.
    I think that despite knowing that the questions were more rhetorical, I felt it may inspire a response or at least some thought. Maybe just the outlet helped.
    I can feel that perhaps stumbling upon this forum tonight may have been the first real positive action I have taken in a few months and I think I shall be posting again sometime.
    I've managed to read most of the stickies and some others too but I cannot help feel I'm treading on worn ground. I must admit however that it is a relief to, for once, not be told that everything will be fine or that "whatever" may help. It's a relief to just have the way I feel accepted for what it is.
    Thank you x
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