Why does the pain come back, why does it not leave me alone ??

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Shi, Mar 16, 2009.

  1. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    I always try to understand why the past will never let me go. I have a psychologist who tells me over and over again, I have to work on it and one day it will be gone.

    But how can I ever forget, that I wanted to kill my father at the age of eight. I took a knife and stood close to his bed. I didnt do it, because I knew that they would blame my mother. But all I wanted was that he would leave my mother be, all I wanted was to live in a family with my mother and my father.

    When he finally left she got another man and he did the same to her. All those years I tried to safe her, trying not to listen to their quarrels. But she is not strong. I had to live in a war that would last for years. I wanted to run away, but there was nowhere I could go. My father never wanted to take me, he hates children. When I was three he told me never to fail in school or university. He has no use for a failure. He told me that he would rather see me dead than living and brining shame to the family. :sad:

    The first time I was thinking about suicide, I was aged 13. I was trapped in a world I couldn't escape. Still today, I spend most of my time dreaming my life away. At night I look upon the sky and wished I could leave this world, going beyond the stars.:unsure:

    So how is it possible to be able to forget if you cannot forgive. Why can't I just wake up realizing it was nothing but a nightmare. Thy psychologists can't help me.:mad:
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I think that forcing yourself to forget will never work and it seems like even though you aren't doing this, you are though in some sense trying to forget and move on. Perhaps on a deeper level you are forcing yourself.
    I sense that you will move on from your past when your current life is more stable and also when you are more content and happy with yourself and with your own life.