Why does this have to be like this? :(

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~CazzaAngel~, Jun 22, 2007.

  1. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'm really having trouble holding on, so much haunts me and most of it is out of my control. I have been thinking about things I can stop myself from having the flashbacks of being tortured or raped as a child, I can't stop any of that, I am fat and ugly in a way I feel so badly about myself I don't even want anyone to see me I sometimes cancel my appointments because I feel people can see how ugly and fat and worthless I am, I am still applying for disability and when people ask why I'm not working why I am applying for disability I feel so bad about myself and people just blow me off like a peice of shit, I don't want to be useless and worthless, I want to die to be honest, I really do my last attempt still haunts me and it makes me feel like I will just go insane because I wanted it to work so much, I can't control the fact I have nothing or noone at one time A few month or so back I thought things would be ok, I really did and it just plattered all at once. I am so alone I've had nothing in my life but hurt I feel like everyday I go on longer. The rub has been pulled out from under my feet so many times i my life. It's like a nightmare that never ends, I hate myself no matter how I try or what I do noone will ever care I'll never fit in or be wanted or needed by anyone. I do have a certain deadline right now, but I know if I died noone would care or even notice i'm gone. I can't stand the way I feel everyday, I just want it to end people act like I can just make things go away in a snap of a finger but to be honest I don't think i'll ever get better I think it'll continue to get worse. I can't do anything right I never have, I just wanna cut myself up until I have nothing left of this worthless person I am. I'm in so much pain right now more than anyone will ever be able to realize though noone care don't even know why I'm typing this I rteally need this to be over. There's someone who i'm very worried about right now I care for them so much more than they realize and I don't want them to kill themself even though they have a plan, and I am just holding on by a thread, if they kill themself I think I might end it also. I can't tell them this because they've hurt me very badly and if I do I will get my heart stompted on once again, I still feel so bad, I had a miscarriage a couple weeks ago, I didn't even know I was pregnant another thing I fucked up, I could have atleast made something special in this world and even atleast a nice couple unable to have kids a great baby, but no, I miscarried, I fucked it up like everythiung else I fuck up. :wallbash: :cry: I have to do something I need to cut so badly right now and I think I will.
  2. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  4. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Aww sweet sweet caz :sad: :hug: I'm so sorry for your baby, it would have been a lucky kid with you as a mom. Its not your fault that you lost your baby. You didnt fuck it up, those things happen, unfortunately.
    I wish you wouldnt feel so bad about yourself. You've been through so many horrible things, its ok to feel down or bad. I really think everyone would. You're such a strong person, I really look up to you. Hun, you did nothing wrong, you shouldnt feel bad about yourself.
    I dont know what to say, I wish I could say something to make you feel better or that would make you realise how amazing you are. If you need some chatting or an ear, you're free to pm me :hug:
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Sometimes when we talk Im amazed at your strength really Carolyn, you totally underestimate your ability to fight on. 90% of people would have cracked a long time ago with what youve had to cope with, you should be incredibly proud that your still here. Im very thankful that you are still here, because youve always showed me nothing but compassion and understanding , even when im acting like a 5 year old, which is most days.

    I really hope your case is successful because I know right now it all hinges on that. I cant imagine it failing, it annoys me no end that its taking so ridiculously long.

    I want you to know that no matter what happens, you have the ability to keep fighting, your a young woman, you could have many many good years ahead of you. I wont lie, its going to be really tough to find a way out of your situation but if the government has an ounce of sense, your case will be approved and you can finally start a new life, but if that doesnt happen then you need to somehow work on a differant way, I think your a bit like me, you need something to occupy your time more, its a pity there arent some free, worthwhile courses available or something, maybe you could check into that again, something to occupy your mind, what about your websites? simple things like that can help. I wish i could help you, id love to make life a bit easier for you.

    I know you care a lot about other people, and you often feel underappreciated, but I appreciate you, and I do care about you, and I want you to know that no matter what happens to other people, myself or anyone else, they would want you to focus on yourself and the future you could have.

    I just hope everything works out.