I'm really having trouble holding on, so much haunts me and most of it is out of my control. I have been thinking about things I can stop myself from having the flashbacks of being tortured or raped as a child, I can't stop any of that, I am fat and ugly in a way I feel so badly about myself I don't even want anyone to see me I sometimes cancel my appointments because I feel people can see how ugly and fat and worthless I am, I am still applying for disability and when people ask why I'm not working why I am applying for disability I feel so bad about myself and people just blow me off like a peice of shit, I don't want to be useless and worthless, I want to die to be honest, I really do my last attempt still haunts me and it makes me feel like I will just go insane because I wanted it to work so much, I can't control the fact I have nothing or noone at one time A few month or so back I thought things would be ok, I really did and it just plattered all at once. I am so alone I've had nothing in my life but hurt I feel like everyday I go on longer. The rub has been pulled out from under my feet so many times i my life. It's like a nightmare that never ends, I hate myself no matter how I try or what I do noone will ever care I'll never fit in or be wanted or needed by anyone. I do have a certain deadline right now, but I know if I died noone would care or even notice i'm gone. I can't stand the way I feel everyday, I just want it to end people act like I can just make things go away in a snap of a finger but to be honest I don't think i'll ever get better I think it'll continue to get worse. I can't do anything right I never have, I just wanna cut myself up until I have nothing left of this worthless person I am. I'm in so much pain right now more than anyone will ever be able to realize though noone care don't even know why I'm typing this I rteally need this to be over. There's someone who i'm very worried about right now I care for them so much more than they realize and I don't want them to kill themself even though they have a plan, and I am just holding on by a thread, if they kill themself I think I might end it also. I can't tell them this because they've hurt me very badly and if I do I will get my heart stompted on once again, I still feel so bad, I had a miscarriage a couple weeks ago, I didn't even know I was pregnant another thing I fucked up, I could have atleast made something special in this world and even atleast a nice couple unable to have kids a great baby, but no, I miscarried, I fucked it up like everythiung else I fuck up. :wallbash: :cry: I have to do something I need to cut so badly right now and I think I will.