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Why don't I exist?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by tiredeyes2, Apr 13, 2015.

  1. tiredeyes2

    tiredeyes2 Member

    I've been on and off of the site for several years now and I told myself that I wouldn't post anything else on here because I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore. But, I can't take it anymore and just need to vent. I don't expect anyone to respond, and I don't really want any comforting words. I just want to get some things out to the world. I've struggled with depression in silence for a long time. I've always wanted to end it, and I've even tried, but I don't have the balls to go through with it. It's been a while since I've tried, and that's one reason why I decided to come back here before I might try again. I'm a good person and I always try to make the effort to be the best person/friend/whatever that I can be. So why don't I have anyone? I don't understand, everyone always turns their back on me. Through no real fault of my own, people always seem to forget that I exist. They go on with their lives, and never even take a moment to say hello on something as simple as facebook. I've lost too many people in my life, best friends that I thought I'd always be able to talk to, not that I had many to begin with. I just don't understand why I am so unwanted. I can't keep friends and no girl would ever want to go out with me.

    I try to pretend like nothing bothers me and the last thing that I want people to think is that I need them in my life. I grew up not needing anybody and that's the way I want to be. So why do I feel so empty? I feel like I could die right now and nobody would know. People would just look the other way. I feel like they would say, "Oh yea, I knew him. Oh well." People around me seem to have friends that they've known forever, and even more that they just met fairly recently. I literally have nobody that I can call and say, "Let's grab a drink" or whatever. My phone contact book is even more depressing than I secretly am. I hate that I feel so alone. And I hate myself even more. I struggle so much daily because of this feeling of not being good enough. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that people hate me, because I hate me more than they do. But, it's weird because I never do anything bad to them.

    I don't know what else to say. I feel like there is so much more in my head that I just can't translate onto the screen. So many feelings of being used and not good enough, and unwanted or ugly. I know that you all can't help me. But if you're reading this, thanks for looking. I'm going to return to my hole and keep non-existing.
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Noticed this post had been there a long time without an answer so came back in and reread it. Now I realize why I didn't answer it before - I wasn't sure what to say that would help since you state right up front you don't want any comforting words and don't expect a response. You end with saying you know we can't help you. Would some blunt words be okay with you? Sorry, I'm still going to try to help.

    Your post is full of the anguish of loneliness, but you are pushing people away. That's why you don't have friends - not because either you or they are not good enough.

    You mention that you don't want to need anyone. You are a human being, tiredeyes2 and human beings are social animals. They need each other. That's our nature. Even the most reclusive of us secretly wishes we had a best friend or soul mate. Someone who understands, who will always be there. Don't hate yourself because you want a buddy.

    You don't want people to think you need them in your life. The problem is: people need to feel needed, so again, if you tell them you don't need them, you are pushing them away.

    The real key here is that you don't like yourself very much and you're afraid everyone else is going to feel the same way and reject you so you reject them first. I think you need to give other people and yourself a chance. I bet you are actually a much finer person than you give yourself credit for. Unfortunately depressed people usually don't like themselves but that's skewed thinking. If you could let a therapist in, I think you would really benefit from exploring some of those skewed thought patterns.

    Lecture over. I actually do hope you will come back and keep posting. You need human contact and we can help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2015
  3. tiredeyes2

    tiredeyes2 Member

    Thanks chestnutmay. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness and thoroughness of your reply. I just don't know what to do. I'm full of self hate and so I definitely push myself away because I'm not good enough for anyone. It's been shown over and over in my life. I'm just disposable.

    I was actually on this site several years ago under another alias and thought that I could go it alone. But that's just a mirror of my life. I can't talk to anyone because I have no one. I used to have a couple friends who I thought were close, but turns out I'm not good enough for them either.

    I don't know why I've chosen to let it bother me this bad all of a sudden, but it does, and so here I am again.

    I didn't mean to instantly come off like a jerk or anything in my initial post, but it's not something that can be fixed, so I don't know what to do or say anymore. I appreciate conversation but don't want people to feel sorry for me or feel the need to say something just because they are trying to be nice. I just want something real. I want to be able to talk to someone or hang out with them. But it is what it is I guess. This is how I am, unhelpable. Again though, thank you for listening.
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Why not rekindle your other Alias
  5. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I just strongly disbelieve that you are not good enough or disposable. These are really painful feelings and ones I can relate to. in my case, however, I found them in conflict with another deep seated belief: i.e. that everyone has intrinsic worth and value simply by being a human being. If the latter is true, then obviously I can't be disposable or "not good enough" and those thoughts of self-loathing are not reflections of reality. So I tried to work on changing them. I guess I recognize some of myself in you so I've been struck by your posts.

    I also know what it is like to lose friends. I'm just pulling out of a really awful depressive episode, only to realize I lost 3 friends, the respect of my co-workers and the willingness of my family to maintain any closeness with me. Those losses are really painful and have pretty much left me alone, which is one of the reasons I came to this forum. I get the need for human companionship and the fear of rejection.

    Anyway, I say all this about myself only to give you some background as to why I relate to your post and to show why I am responding - that it's not because I feel sorry for you or because I just want to be nice. Sure, I want to help, but that's okay, isn't it?

    It simply isn't true that you are not good enough for anyone. You say there is a pattern in your life that demonstrates that. Maybe there is something you need to change about the way you interact with people to avoid losing people, but that is a far way from saying you are not good enough for anyone. That is a matter of working on social skills. Besides, I strongly suspect that in many of these cases, the people involved have their own issues that are screwing things up. It is never all on you. And I would also be willing to bet that there were some holes in the parenting you received, holes that left you vulnerable to these feelings of worthlessness. Those feelings are mere distortions of reality. Scars from the past. Not true. You are worthy. You are not disposable.

    I like DrownedFishOnFire's idea of rekindling your former alias. If you do, I hope you'll let me know who that is. And you can always PM me if you want to talk more.
  6. tiredeyes2

    tiredeyes2 Member

    How do you deal with it? I'm open to hearing how you choose to cope.

    The hardest thing for me is it's like my memories don't exist. I mean I was there and I know they happened but I have nobody to reminisce with. Nobody that I can call and just say, "What's up?" Back before my leave of a absence, I used to post self hating and suicidal notes on Facebook hoping that someone would see it and ask me what's wrong. I wanted then to try and get to know me because I choose to hide so much from people. Nobody ever did, instead they just ignored me or deleted me. So I deleted the account several years ago. For all they know, I could be dead. And they don't seem to care.

    I really do try and hide my feelings from the world which is why I'm back here, to be somewhat anonymous and just talk. I want a fresh start but so much of my life is already finished that a fresh start doesn't mean much. I'm in my late twenties and friendship is just a fantasy now to me. I treat people like they are going to fuck me over, because they usually do, and just stay distant.

    I have great parents but I have a piece of my past that I can't shake. I've tried so many things to get rid of it that I just gave up because it's not going away. I'm sure it's the reason why people hate me and I'm ugly, so it's whatever now. I deal with it by trying to hide from the world. Sure, I'm embarrassed by it and I'm sure that people are embarrassed to be seen with me because of it. It may seem super small to outsiders, but it's a mountain to me and I can't look past it. I'm sure it's the source of my pain, self hatred and suicidal tendencies. Although I have been good these past several years, it's been a while since my last episode. And I know it will explain why people hate me for it, even though I'm sure people are going to try and tell me otherwise.

    As for the alias, I wanted a fresh start. 5 years is a long time and I'm sure there are so many new faces here that I just wanted to start over as well.

    Anyway, enough of this crying and poor me shit. I hope that you understand a little better and again, I appreciate you talking to me. Hope I didn't scare anyone off
  7. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    You didn't scare me off though I am trying to figure out the best way to answer. You ask how I cope and I hesitate to tell you because the truth is that I'm not coping very well. My depression interferes with my ability to function and go outside. It's getting better though. Recently I was really especially suicidal and I made the decision to live and when I made that decision, I adopted two pets. Are you in a position to adopt a pet or two? My cats really help with my depression. They keep me externalized plus provide good company - they help with the loneliness in a very big way. And now suicide is no longer an option, because they would be homeless without me.

    I also find it helps to have a creative outlet. I used to write, then I got into drawing, now I'm thinking it's time for something new though I don't know what yet. Maybe something musical. Anyway, I draw while listening to Netflix . It helps to hear human voices.

    I just hit the fitness center today for the first time in ages, which reminded me that when I worked out regularly, I always felt better. It's a way to meet people, too.

    Buddhist philosophy helps. It's very full of common sense and compassion, for self and others. It's full of practical tips for how to live, how to train your mind etc.

    This forum helps a lot. It provides human contact and makes me realize how many many people there are out there hurting like I do. So I don't feel so alone.

    Perhaps one of the things that helps the most is that I discovered this wonderful (free, no less) service in the city where I live - they provide in-home therapy and a visit with a shrink for meds.. It's only temporary, until I get a little more stable and get settled in permanent situations. They have a 24/7 hot-line too and I've called that a few times. So definitely getting hooked in for mental health treatment has helped.

    Anyway, that's more info than you probably needed, but the point is - the more coping mechanisms the better and those are constantly changing.

    What you say about having no one to reminisce with: I know what that's like. It's hard, not having someone to share memories with. And that must have been terrible posting in so much pain on FB and getting no response. FB probably wasn't the place for posts like that, though. Also people who have never been depressed have a very hard time understanding those of us who are, especially the suicidal aspect of it. That seems to really upset a lot of people. They don't know how to cope with it, for one thing. And that might have been some of what you ran into, i.e. people just didn't know what to say, so they didn't say anything. Here for example, I passed by your original post several times because I didn't know how to approach you since you started off by pushing us away, but I'm glad I finally did.

    I'm glad to hear you have great parents. That's actually a huge plus in your column, when it comes to having a support network. You're vague (and rightfully so) about the thing in your past that people can't look past. But you identify it as The Problem and you are probably right. If this isn't something you can change, and it sounds like it isn't, you need ways to process your feelings about it. Can you work with a therapist about this?

    Nothing wrong with fresh starts. I think they're a great thing.

    BTW: I don't read a tinge of self pity in anything you write. You are simply describing the situation. I've read self pity before, and this aint' it.
  8. tiredeyes2

    tiredeyes2 Member

    Once again, thanks for replying. I do see some of myself in you. Like you, I would probably identify as a Buddhist because I think it makes the most sense. I'm very much into self betterment and being kind to the environment and animals and such. People though, I try, but you know enough now to understand how that's going... I do have a dog and he keeps me company and going on so many occasions. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't have him. I definitely like animals better than people.

    I too used to workout daily and play sports, but I had to have knee surgery a few months ago and have been unable to do so for at least another 4 or 5 months. It's just me alone with my thoughts and that's a scary place for me to be.

    As for therapists and meds. I tried a therapist once and it didn't do a thing. The only person who can help me is me, and I hate myself too much to even try and pull myself out of my hole. The way I see it, if I make an attempt, it only gives me a reason to be disappointed. Aim low, and maybe you'll be surprised. And no, it's not working out for me. And as for meds, not going that route. I refuse to be drugged. I hate taking even ibuprofen, which made surgery that much more painful, because I took myself off pain meds too soon. Whatever though physical pain is nothing to me compared to how deep in my head I am. At least the pain took my mind off of everything I guess.
  9. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Let's see if I've got it right here....

    Identifies as Buddhist. Check.

    Into self betterment. Check.

    Wants to take care of the environment. Check.

    Animal Lover. Check.

    Dog owner. Check.

    Likes to play sports. Check.

    Hmmmm. What's not to like? This seems like a pretty fine combination to me!

    Since you know something about Buddhism, you probably know about the practice of Loving Kindness. Loving Kindness meditations might really help you. And it is a real shame about your knee surgery keeping you from working out. It sounds like playing sports is a great coping mechanism for you - in fact, being cut off from this support might be some of why you're having such a hard time right now.

    I totally get your not wanting to use drugs to treat depression. I'm not using them myself, although in my case it's because most of them no longer work and I have life threatening side effects to the one that does help. Since being off them, I do feel a little better in that my thoughts seem to be less fuzzy. It's given me a new understanding of people who don't want to go the medication route, although I would still go on them, if I thought they'd help. I think in the past, I've depended on them too much though so this time without has kind of reset my thinking - made me realize how important it is to use other approaches as well.

    Speaking of those other approaches - I'm sorry therapy didn't help. It might have been the wrong therapist for you though. Maybe the fit wasn't a good one - personality wise. If you don't click with the therapist, you're not going to go anywhere. Also, maybe the therapist's approach wasn't right for you. There are so many schools of thought in therapy and you might benefit from a therapist with a different focus than the one you had before. Could be a hundred reasons why it didn't work, but it doesn't mean it never will. Be nice if you could find a Buddhist therapist. That's what I'd like to find. Anyway, I've had therapy that really helped and therapy that went nowhere and can tell you that one stab at it isn't enough to know if it's going to help you or not. It really does sound like you have something from your past that needs working out - you need to process feelings about that issue, come to terms with something. Learn to love yourself, corny as it sounds. Also, you might consider group therapy. Then you could get feedback from others about why it seems people leave you. I was in group therapy for several years - it was immensely helpful.

    Very glad to read you have a dog. Dog's are great. I bet he thinks you're pretty wonderful. That kind of unconditional love can be very healing.
  10. Tjh

    Tjh Active Member

    I can relate to almost everything you say in your first post, tiredeyes. I hope things get better for you soon.
  11. tiredeyes2

    tiredeyes2 Member

    I wish it were that easy. All those positives can't outweigh the negative, for whatever reason. It's a combination of internal self hatred and one physical attribute that I feel like has labeled me unwanted. To others looking in, they might think its minor but to me, it's the reason why I can't sleep, can't keep friends, can't get a girlfriend etc. I'll never be able to love myself.

    As for Buddhism, I have to admit, I don't know everything about the way of life, but I know the important philosophies like being kind, respecting nature and creatures and self-improvement. I don't identify with religion, but I tend to look at those teachings as a way of life or code of conduct vs religion. Which is why I think I'm drawn to it.

    I'm sorry to hear about your current situation, but am glad to know that you're making small improvements and finding different methods of coping. I hope that you continue to find some happiness in life.

    Also, my dog definitely is a great companion and I can't imagine a life without him.

    @tjh - thank you and you as well. It's a lonely path and I hope that you have something that you can find happiness in.