Why don't i feel anything?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sleepyxwillow, Mar 30, 2009.

  1. sleepyxwillow

    sleepyxwillow Member

    Well I tried to commit suicide a week ago by wrapping a cord around my throat and shutting off my air supply until science kicked in and made me think i'd just pass out.....damn science.....i had to go to the hospital where they 'assessed' me as if someone else could dictate my life. Honestly i found it fucking ridiculous since they wouldn't stop hounding me with questions and i honestly cannot stand to be in a room with people it's like jumping in the water and not coming up for air until they've gone....simply suffocation...

    But point is I did something everyone disapproves of....so they always ask the foreboding question of 'why would you want to kill yourself?" which only lead me to ask myself "why wouldn't i want to kill myself?"....I can't work because i don't have that astounding good-spirited qualities they look for, i can't have a relationship because i feel no desire to be around someone constantly, i hate when people touch me, i can't function in society, i can barely look at people, my daily routine consists of going to school...walking home and then reading until the early hours of the morning. I have no interest in anything..i can't sleep because i'm paranoid about people looking whispering subliminal messages to me through my window...I can't feel things for people so i'm like a walking robot...i look at my family and friends as if they were toys that i could throw away if i didn't like them or they got boring so i've got no-one here on this fucking planet and i live in a house that i despise.....so why wouldn't i want to die? yet people still hold this notion that i'm suppose to care about 'what life offers me'..and i can't make any sense of it...I dont even understand people...they cry..what the hell for? It freaks me out and i start to dislike them immensely....i hate it when they do that.... Humans are just a bunch of things i'll never understand.

    So yes i tried it to die.....honestly i don't think the feeling is ever going to go away it'll just keep swimming around inside my head because i have nothing else to get me out of bed in the morning, nothing to keep me anchored in reality that seems worth the effort of living and nothing to make me laugh or smile or even, jeebus forbid, cry. Gah does anyone feel anything slightly similar to this?
     
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum,

    jaems.
     
  3. sleepyxwillow

    sleepyxwillow Member

    I dont suffer from depression. The doctor tried to force the word down my throat and stamp it all over my forehead..but i kept arguing that it was called Apathy...which it is. I don't have a therapist because the moment i mention suicide they'd send me back to the hospital and i am never going back there. SInce the doctor sent me there I've lost all sense of trust in anyone.
     
  4. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I'm confused --I haven't slept yet. Are you upset about the way you see the world? Do you think you're without a mental disorder like schizophrenia ? Are you philosophically inclined towards suicide or compelled?

    I can understand losing trust in your doctor after they send you to the hospital. The crisis ward is a god damn bore, and it's irritating to have to listen to doctors when they clearly don't understand your problem.

    For instance, I may not be hitting the right nerve. But at least I'm not charging you $125 dollars.
     
  5. sleepyxwillow

    sleepyxwillow Member

    I'm not upset....confusion comes to mind a lot though....i don't understand things like the world....i see it and say 'big deal'.....i already know what's here take me somewhere new. and people find the idea of stepping outside of their carefully crafted little boxes to find a bigger picture absurd.

    Ah...my good old friend Schizophrenia. I've actually been living on compulsions and a voice compelling me to do things....usually bad things but we've bonded and i wouldn't want anyone to take her away from me :(

    Hmmmm $125 you say? unless the government is feeling exceptionally nice and funds each visit...i'd say they've got no chance in hell of getting my penniless ass to pay for help.....i'd rather take the alternative and suffer in silence at least it's free.