Why don't I have a will to live?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JJJ50, Mar 9, 2014.

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  1. JJJ50

    JJJ50 Member

    Objectively, I see a bunch of reasons for living - family, possible long-term relationship with someone I like, going to school to further my career and make more money, financial stability, small joys of daily life, etc. But I just don't feel it. I am such a huge mess that my first inclination is to give up. I have problems with hopelessness, helplessness, anxiety, anger, despair, low frustration tolerance, depressive thoughts. It's all so hard to fight off.

    I was doing better for a few months (not suicidal) but then anxiety kicked in. Then my experiment in tweaking my meds for a better result failed. The meds were part of the problem, but so far I have not found any better meds. Instead, I dropped 3 out of 4 classes at school this semester. I'm suicidally depressed. I've never attempted suicide but I feel ready to more than ever. I'm in counseling. My therapist says I'm resistant and non-compliant. She can help only if I'm motivated to get better. Several therapists have told me that. Can't a therapist help me *find* the motivation to get better, the will to live?

    So frustrated and sad. I'm not any healthier than I was 25 years ago when I was first in school. In fact, I am worse off in some ways. I feel left behind by one of my college friends who has put in the hard work and now lives a more joyful. Her life is not perfect, but she has support, does what she loves, and has a will to live. I've gotten nowhere. I've only gotten more miserable.

    I thought that meds were supposed to provide a bottom to depression, to keep you from not feeling suicidal...
  2. Jreed

    Jreed Member

    Ok, I don't understand your situation, but what kind of pills are you taking? Have you been taking them for a long time? ure you know, but medication takes a long time to really affect you and your system and it doesn't just happen overnight. You got to give it time

    Anyways, I want to make a point that you should never mix up your medications on your own, under any circumstance unless you know what you're actually doing. Mixing up meds could be the worse thing you ever did as that could be life threatening and cause serious chemical imbalances in you.

    And about the therapists problem, how many have you seen, and have the all told you the same thing? If they all told you you need motivation, have you ever asked them for help? Some therapists know places where to get support and talk to people in support groups in your local area where you can talk to someone face to face and get actual help. It's a good way to meet people who understand your problems and will know what you're going through. They may not know everything that's going on with you, but everyone who has depression generally has the same crappy problems that affects us all.

    Also, I know you dropped out of college, but go around there and see if there's any support or anything for students that deal with depression. There might be something there too if you talk to your counselor.
  3. JJJ50

    JJJ50 Member

    Thanks, Jreed. I've been taking the current cocktail for only a month so far. It's been a really long month. I'm taking 30 mg Mirtazipine (Remeron) and 300 mg Quetiapine (Seroquel). I've also been taking very small doses of Ambien - 1.25 to 2.5 mg a night - to nudge me to sleep. It's strange. The antidepressants make me very tired and unable to think. I stumble into walls just a half hour after taking the anti-depressant meds. You would think I would be able to sleep, but I don't - unless I take Ambien. Hot baths, melatonin, valerian, passion flower, meditation and other natural ways of getting to sleep make me relaxed, but I still don't sleep unless I take Ambien. Gah!

    [My stay in the hospital a month ago brought on some back pain that won't go away even though I've been to the chiropractor 4 times already, exercise, stretch, do yoga, use heating pads, take hot baths, etc. That's why I need the Ambien. The pain keeps me awake. However, in my current state of mind, Ambien is a bad thing for me to have on hand. I have only 5 mg left, so it's a non-issue right now. Sort of. I go to a county facility for therapy and pdoc visits. They said Friday that they refilled my Ambien but I have to pick it up at their office instead of at Walgreens. I don't have the nerves to pick up that prescription. Maybe I can do without it. I think that just the thought of having access to Ambien has really caused my mood to take a nosedive.]

    I've been scouring my area for support groups and have found a few resources. I volunteer. I talk to people. It's not like I'm not doing anything. It just doesn't seem to be enough. Depression is hard enough. Feeling suicidal so much of the time makes it really hard to deal with depression constructively. It doesn't help that I'm hard of hearing and I have loud tinnitus in my left ear. The constant racket makes me tired. It leaves me in fight-or-flight mode nearly all the time. I need a break.

    Sorry for rambling. Feeling trapped. Going for a bike ride now while it's still daylight. Thanks for listening. Your response does help me not feel so alone and lonely.
  4. Jreed

    Jreed Member

    Ypu're wlecomed.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    When you say "you tweaked your medication " and it made things worse- I have a couple questions. Did you change your meds or did the doctor? And what have they said about it? If it is actually making things worse why not discuss with them about going back to your old med schedule?
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