Why even try!!

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Stranger1, Jan 15, 2009.

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  1. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I don't even know where to start. I couldn't go in the hospital because my augoriphobia and anxiety went sky high. So I couldn't walk out the door. Since then I have had three friends here at the forum talking to me and helping me get past this.
    I stayed depressed for a couple of days and finally woke up one morning with a little burst of energy so I told myself I am going to be positive and try to stay that way. Well it lasted for a couple of days, hell yesterday I went on a cleaning spree. I woke up this morning and found myself totally depressed again. Hence the title to this thread.
    I know I have three friends here but I can't get past these thoughts that I am no good, I am to easy a mark for people to abuse and to rip off, I try to help everyone I can here on the forum with the stuff I learn from therapy and the rest comes from the heart.
    Every day I look at that little box in the corner to see if I have any PM's and you know what it's always empty. I PM people and don't get any reply's. I don't know why people must think I am not worth the time of day!
    I tried cutting to commit that doesn't work. OOPs that was a method sorry! I am not even sure I want to continue. I have no friends in the outside world because I won't let anyone get close to me. I am getting tired of therapy even though she is so kind and helpfull. I am back to square one where I just don't care about anything other than trying to help people here and I feel I am even starting to loose that also.
    I just want to curl up in bed again like I did for fourteen long ass years and just give up. My therapist had me where I was getting out of the house a little at a time and now the augoriphobia has kicked back in and I can't even walk out the door. I did yesterday when I had that burst of energy and was freaking by the time I got back to the house. I didn't let it tear me down yesterday but can feel the after effects today. I barely can walk out of my room for necessities. I am truly sorry that I have failed here!!! I cherish the friendship I have with the three who have cared enough to try and keep me going. They are very special to me!!
    You know I have a whole list of names in my friendship screen and haven't heard from anyone since then. I might as well start deleeteing them to clean it out!! One of the three friends who talk to me even took the time to find my MSN address because I don't just put it out there for everyone to see. It takes a special person to care that much!! I am not having a pity party I just feel No one wants me around. Like Lea says I have become invisible!!
    I just had to put this out there because Like I said I don't know if I can continue supporting but having no one who cares enough to talk to me every now and then. I think people here tend to forget I also suffer from several problems!! Well thats enough I have said to much as it is. ~Joseph~
  2. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    hey Joseph, I agree with everything you said there, in fact i could have written it. Thankyou for writing it because I now know that it's not just me :)

    I also have agoraphobia and struggle with all the things you mentioned. Sometimes it's so bad i cant even answer my 'phone or door. Yes I still feel invisible and insignificant, not good enough to talk to :(

    I am sorry you feel so bad because I wouldn't wish this on anybody at all :hug:

    I am truly here if you need me joseph, I hope you believe that :)

    Lea :cheekkiss:
  3. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    Hi Joseph,

    You just gave me some support on another thread and it was really helpful. I feel like you really cared. I hope that I can return the favor.

    I can completely relate to what you are going thru. So many days I lie in bed, afraid to get up, answer the phone, whatever. And when I have those bursts of energy, I buzz around and then crash and then feel even more like shit. Saying to myself, why can't I feel like this all the time.

    When I get super depressed, I just tell myself over and over that this is a chemical imbalance and I didn't do anything wrong, but I can control what I do about it. Take small steps. I make one goal for myself everyday. And if I'm feeling shitty, then the goal may be just to get out of bed to get the mail. Or check my email, something simple.

    It sucks to have to go thru this for so long a time in your life. I just try to keep reaching out. But there are days when there are no emails and I go thru my list of people to call and no one answers and I feel alone and completly forgotten. I just try to find one thing to give me hope, just one thing a day and hope that builds.

    I sound all positive now, because I am coming out of a depression, but just last week, I wanted to give up and I didn't get out of bed. I didn't want to try, some days i would do something and some days I sad F it.

    I don't know why we are put here just to suffer it seems. People tell me just to surrender. But I don't really know what that means.

    Just keep trying and take care. Do something nice for yourself today.
  4. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    My friend you could never become invisible here. You give some of the best advice available here and always do so in a compassionate manner. Sf would be a lot poorer without your posts. Not making it to the hospital was a set back to you I know but it is not one that you can't overcome. I will always reply to any message from you as soon as I can. My msn is in my profile and if I'm online it would always be a pleasure to talk to you. Best wishes. Simon.
  5. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi Joseph,

    You are one of the most supportive members here, you always have a kind word for me & I am eternally grateful for that.

    Please don't give up or think you're not worth it. Believe me when I say you're an amazing person that I have a lot of respect for. I do agree though that every member is here for a reason & often we get so lost in our own problems we don't see difficulties that our friends are having.

    Generally I don't PM people & I don't use MSN either primarily because I couldn't handle the rejection of no replies/friends but if you ever want to PM me then I promise I will reply.

    Take care Joseph, Claire xx

    P.S. Whenever I see this :chopper: I always think of you :hug:
  6. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    How are you doing today Joseph??

    :confused: :wink:
  7. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    you will never be invisible to me joseph, we all have set backs but the fact you are still here trying to help others and at the same time help yourself proves that there is an inner strength to you, i keep saying that i know but 1 day you will believe me.
    never give up on yourself

  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Jospeh,

    Sorry I didn't see this thread sooner.

    The fact that you couldn't go doesn't make you a failure. You tried, you gave it your best shot, you made an effort, be proud of yourself. There is always a next time :hug:
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