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Why? *extremly triggering*

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by RainbowChaser, Aug 30, 2007.

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  1. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I didn't know where to put this as it's part 'Let it all out...', part 'Loved and Lost', part 'Rape & Abuse', and part something else that doesn't seem to fit anywhere. So really, if any of those could bother you at all, don't read it.


    Julia died 21st March 2005. Seriously depressed and anorexic, she committed suicide. She was found next to her favourite tree in her garden. I was never told how it happened.

    I had started talking to her just after the New Year that year. It was obvious to me and others that, no matter what she thought of herself, she was a wonderful person. She was beautiful and so caring. She never wished harm on anyone but herself.

    When she died, her boyfriend, her best friend and I all felt it was each of our own faults. The boyfriend wished he'd been able to travel to see her. The best friend wished that he'd just gone across to her house that day when everyone else thought that she was in trouble.

    I just wish I could have done anything, anything to save her. I know I let her down.

    It wasn't until almost a year later that I tried to explain this to my then boyfriend (now ex). As I layed in bed crying my eyes out, he raped me. When I asked him about it later, he said it was because I "looked so beautiful".

    Every time I think about Julia now, I'm torn. I want to tell people everything I remember about her, but now the memory of what my ex did to me intervines. It hurts.

    I think about her so often here. I worry that I'll let people here down like I let her down. I worry about that so much. And sometimes, when I'm trying to help, it'll just find it's way into my head, and it breaks me, shut's my brain right down, makes me hurt myself. All because I didn't do enough then.

    All because I don't think I could ever do enough now.
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni


    Memories hurt a lot hun..
    Try to remember though, that we all care and love you here, and don't want anything to happen to you - sarahg summed it up perfectly on skype the other night :)

    You could never let anybody down here :) Any support you offer is gratefully accepted here hun, and because of that, you can never let anyone down here :hug:
  3. no point

    no point Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry this had to happen to you. I'm here if you want to talk :hug:
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