I didn't know where to put this as it's part 'Let it all out...', part 'Loved and Lost', part 'Rape & Abuse', and part something else that doesn't seem to fit anywhere. So really, if any of those could bother you at all, don't read it.
Julia died 21st March 2005. Seriously depressed and anorexic, she committed suicide. She was found next to her favourite tree in her garden. I was never told how it happened.
I had started talking to her just after the New Year that year. It was obvious to me and others that, no matter what she thought of herself, she was a wonderful person. She was beautiful and so caring. She never wished harm on anyone but herself.
When she died, her boyfriend, her best friend and I all felt it was each of our own faults. The boyfriend wished he'd been able to travel to see her. The best friend wished that he'd just gone across to her house that day when everyone else thought that she was in trouble.
I just wish I could have done anything, anything to save her. I know I let her down.
It wasn't until almost a year later that I tried to explain this to my then boyfriend (now ex). As I layed in bed crying my eyes out, he raped me. When I asked him about it later, he said it was because I "looked so beautiful".
Every time I think about Julia now, I'm torn. I want to tell people everything I remember about her, but now the memory of what my ex did to me intervines. It hurts.
I think about her so often here. I worry that I'll let people here down like I let her down. I worry about that so much. And sometimes, when I'm trying to help, it'll just find it's way into my head, and it breaks me, shut's my brain right down, makes me hurt myself. All because I didn't do enough then.
All because I don't think I could ever do enough now.
~*~
Julia died 21st March 2005. Seriously depressed and anorexic, she committed suicide. She was found next to her favourite tree in her garden. I was never told how it happened.
I had started talking to her just after the New Year that year. It was obvious to me and others that, no matter what she thought of herself, she was a wonderful person. She was beautiful and so caring. She never wished harm on anyone but herself.
When she died, her boyfriend, her best friend and I all felt it was each of our own faults. The boyfriend wished he'd been able to travel to see her. The best friend wished that he'd just gone across to her house that day when everyone else thought that she was in trouble.
I just wish I could have done anything, anything to save her. I know I let her down.
It wasn't until almost a year later that I tried to explain this to my then boyfriend (now ex). As I layed in bed crying my eyes out, he raped me. When I asked him about it later, he said it was because I "looked so beautiful".
Every time I think about Julia now, I'm torn. I want to tell people everything I remember about her, but now the memory of what my ex did to me intervines. It hurts.
I think about her so often here. I worry that I'll let people here down like I let her down. I worry about that so much. And sometimes, when I'm trying to help, it'll just find it's way into my head, and it breaks me, shut's my brain right down, makes me hurt myself. All because I didn't do enough then.
All because I don't think I could ever do enough now.
