Why fight?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dvnj22, Feb 22, 2013.

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  1. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Why should i fight? I can't see any good in my future. I feel like a loser. There is no pain in death, so why can't I just end it? I have nothing to look forward to. What if I have another psychotic break? I can't go through that again. I can't even get a job. 20 years from now I'm still gonna be living with my dad, probably working some crappy job, no drivers license. I've never succeed at anything. My family loves me, but I they no I'm a loser, even my little sister said that "all you do is play video games, sleep, you have no girlfriend, and your weird." She was joking but it's true. She's only 11 and can she what already everybody else can see in my life. but that's the way it will always be, it's meant to be that way. I'm an oddity, a dork, a weirdo, I don't fit in. I am socially, physically, intellectually inferior. My life is meant to be a tragedy. No happy ending, no heroic deeds. "the good guy does not get the girl or defeat the villain", but dies by his own hand in shame, dishonor, pain, and anguish that hellfire could not bring.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey dvn, Sorry you are in so much pain. You said you had a psychotic break in the past. Sorry to hear that also. Are you still on medication? And are you working with a therapist? It sounds really hard. But life CAN turn around. It does for a lot of people. you just have not caught a good break yet. But that doesnt mean that things will not change. They very well can. I also dont believe you are a loser. I know it feels like you are. Again, are you in therapy? And are you taking meds? Lots of smart productive people have to take them these days.
     
  3. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    I'm on meds, no therapist - cant afford it. But what if things don't change?
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    It is much more likely that they will change. If you live in the USA, you can call United way to see where affordable therapy may be available. They always have lists of affordable resources. You deserve help. In most areas of the US you can reach united way by calling 211. Often there are affordable resources available that people are unaware of.
     
  5. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Not seeing anything good in your future should be the main reason why one should fight, to make it so that there is good.
     
  6. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I think whats the point of it? I'm such a weak man, in fact I have trouble even calling myself a man, I usually refer to myself as a human, or person, but not a man. I don't even look like a man. I'm short, I also get tease about my small hands, really sensitive, neurotic, gentle, soft spoken, my family is always yelling a me to speak louder which i find very hard to do. other then body hair I really do look like I never hit puberty.

    I'd be able to deal with my lack of physical attractiveness if I had a talent of some sort, but I'm not intelligent at all, my sister is literally a genius with a 180 IQ, and graduated from one of the best art schools (top of her class) in the US. I got my HS diploma at 19! How friggin pathetic. My other sister just bought a house. I'm also very strange, I have friends, but I usually play the fool - I always try to make them happy and laugh even at my own expense. I'm also dealing with my own lust towards women, since it conflict with my religious beliefs , I also hate the idea objectifying women, women don't deserved to be leered at... I'm such a hypocrite. I don't want to sound like a religious fanatic, but I still think that sex should be an expression of love in marriage.... I'm such a hypocrite even though I've never taken action. (also please don't think I preaching, whatever your lifestyle is, I don't' judge)

    I'm also afraid of what my future will be like. I'm afraid of still living with my father, afraid of being single because of gossip and pity from others, like I said in my earlier post: "even my little sister said that - all you do is play video games, sleep, you have no girlfriend, couch potato and your weird." I'm like one of the guy's from big bang theory, but not smart.

    Sometimes too I'm so stuck in my head. reality blurs, God I don't want go psychotic again. I'm taking xanax all the time just to calm down. I meditate on death daily. One of my spiritual mentors died today -- I wasn't even there to be with him. And now I cry all the time, I used to never cry from about 12 years old to 20 and now I cry! why! I hate it because there are some many people going through so much but here I am whinnying, over and over again over nothing -- see what I meant about being weak.

    I feel like a beaten dog. I'm skittish, and afraid to even go outside and socializing -- embarrassing myself. I also just realized that this crush I've had on this girl for more then 6 years was just a horrible perverted ideal, constructed out of immaturity and foolishness. I feel sick and perverted. So I come back to the same question I started with, what's the point? and I Don't know, I really don't, all I know is that there is pain in death - since I don't' believe in hell. Dust to dust right? It is my eventually - why not just push? And save myself from further dishonor and shame, on me and my family name. Even this post is weird, and crazy -- you guys must think I'm like some kind serial killer. god 'm just so sorry. my mind is going crazy I assure you all of that! 3:00 am I just need to sleep.....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2013
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hey, here is what I wish for you. i wish you could be seen by someone good who can dx and give you some different meds to try. :hug: Because I do not for one moment believe that whats happening with you is your fault. I think its highly possible that there are better meds ( for you) that you could get on that would help a lot. You mentioned you do not have the money for therapy. Are you on disability? And if not, can you check it out? It sounds like you could qualify. If you can get on it then you can get some psychotherapy.

    Would you be able to call united way and ask if there is someone, an agency, that can help you to find out what you are eligible for? so you can start to get the help you really deserve? :hug: I do recommend getting help from an agency or advocate with this. Even an attorney. Because it is not a system you want to navagate alone. Please try to not judge your situation. Things come easily for your sisters. And not easily at all for you. This is not your fault at all. Seriously.
     
  8. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    I already applied for disability, because my father wanted me too. Also I really, really want to work. I've done so in the past and i want to do so now. I went to therapy a couple of years ago, and completed it. I had good self-esteem, I was motivated, but I can't find work, and it's really depresses me. I really don't want ssi, I really am NOT disabled. I'm on new meds now -- they are working. However I had a mental set back I guess.
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I undersand. I was thinking of it as a way you could get insurance to you can pay for more therapy. i have had a lot of therapy over the years. I find that I can go without it for a while. But then its time for more. Disability can be a short term thing. And people who are on disability are given the option to work a certain number of hours. Its even encouraged. Sometimes the definition of strength in our society is obscured. The strongest people can sometimes be the people who have the greatest challenges. ( and I do not mean just physical) They percieve it as weakness. when in fact they can be some of the strongest amongst us
     
  10. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Well I can get thereby, but I don't want my dad to pay for it. However I need to have a positive image of myself. Everybody tells me I'm a great guy, but is that really something to offer society? Cause I still feel worthless.
     
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    personally, I think its something that has to be worked on in therapy. I consider it an ongoing process. And that is not a negative. Because sometimes it gives people insights and depths that could not have been attained any other way. Its turning a burdon into a gift. Just my opinion
     
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