Why has God put me through all this...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kaza, Jun 2, 2011.

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  1. Kaza

    Kaza Active Member

    This is my story - I lost two sisters to Cystic Fibrosis, both dead before I was 17. I grew up in a family with terminally ill sisters and two parents who could barely cope, neglecting me in the process. My father drank to cope, became an alcoholic and was physically abusive to me. I grew up in a really isolated rural area, so no friends nearby. On top of that, my father was the local garda sergeant, so I was doubly isolated. On top of that again, I was a shy child, a troubled teenager and then a constantly suicidal young adult.

    I could only cope with all of the above by turning to food. I never had a 21st because I had no friends to celebrate with. I wasted my college years because I was socially inept, couldnt hold a conversation with anyone without being tongued tied. I failed exams because I couldnt pluck up the courage to ask lecturers questions. I couldnt get jobs because there was a recession going on and I had no skills, even after college.

    I moved away and finally got my life together - jobs, friends, house, a lovely man who became my husband. All the while though, I was still traumatised by my past, still addicted to the food. I just hoped things would sort themselves out...who was I kidding.

    My health started breaking down about 3 years. Nothing major, small things at first. Then last year, bam. At first I blamed the eating disorder, that I brought it all on myself. But now, the last few months, as Ive battled to figure out what has been going on, I truely feel abandoned by God, truely feel it now. I finally got a few answers and have even been told now that most of this is not my fault, that it was done to me by doctors, by my own faulty genes. I have a yeast overgrowth caused by all the antibiotics the doctors said I had to take. This has destroyed my immune system. I then find out I am gluten intolerant. It is thought now that I was gluten intolerant from birth and that that is why I had the eating disorder so long. That I really was addicted to bread and biscuits because I was also allergic to them. And if this had been found out about me when I was young, I most likely wouldnt have had the bulimia and for so long. I am not blaming anyone for not testing me when I was young, noone would have thought to do so, its only in the last few years that researchers have discovered this link between gluten allergy and bulimia. But my health has been destroyed, by the antibiotics and the bulimia from the gluten intolerance.

    And now, this is what will happen to me, in the next few years - the yeast overgrowth will get bigger, leading to more inflammation, leading to more food allergies and eventually leading to cancer, most likely colon cancer. I can see this all happening as clearly as anything. I have tried also to kill off the overgrowth. I stuck four months of the cruelest diet, broke it for two days and all the overgrowth came back. Thats when I knew I was done for. Eat nothing but meat and veg to stay alive or try to have some kind of a normal diet and live in continuous pain and then get cancer and then die.

    God abandoned me a long time ago, why would I go through all I did do, get a bit of happiness and then have everything fall apart, just when I really thought I could be ok, be happy.

    I pray now to God every night, to let me die, I want it so much.

    That was my story.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    im sorry you have suffered so and are continuing to suffer I don't know if there is such a god really I do know people here care and if you ever feel alone you can pm any one of us and we will listen. hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles:
     
  3. Kaza

    Kaza Active Member

    I know this is a forum for people who are suicidal, you are right, I doubt there is a God when so many people are suffering and in pain. Even if I dont actually kill myself, I truely believe now I am going to be dead in five years from cancer, yeast overgrowth = inflammation = cancer = death. Its all over the internet. Doctors tell people thats baloney but I feel it in my bones that that is how I am going to die now. 10 years of happiness out of 40 years, I wanted more, I was lucky to get the 10, now all I know is physical burning pain 24 hours a day and that is the way it will be until I die now.

    Nooone can help me, nooone, I want to die so badly, so badly.
     
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I can seriously relate to what you are going through.. I grew up with a disabled brother who died when he was a day before age 13 (I just turned 14). As well as I had 2 other younger brothers and one had severe ADHD that caused a lot of issues with him being violent.

    I too was isolated from people. The loner. Was living next door to the 2 school bullies, lived in the country.

    I helped take care of my bros and also some day care my mom took on..

    I have also tried a similar diet of meat and veggies for a period because I thought I might be allergic to gluten, but I did an allergy test and I am apparently not. They currently don't know what I'm allergic to.

    I grew up in the Mormon religion and I also feel if there is a god, that things really didn't work out with that.

    I never turned to food, nor had an eating disorder, though I did go through a lot in my teen years with attempts and then foster care when my parents gave up on me.

    I know you wish you could die, and I feel the same at times. But just look at how strong you have been already! Look how far you have come!

    I wish I could give u a real hug, but for now this is all I can offer. :hug:

    I really can relate to you.. I wish things didn't look so bad now for you. :(
     
  5. spooky

    spooky Active Member

    Dear Kaza, I am so sorry you're going through so much right now. I do not believe God has abandoned you. I don't know if you've ever head this quote before, by it is from Mother Theresa. She said, “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” This has given me hope in some of my very darkest of hours. And I've had a lot of them. But somehow this little flicker of hope keeps me going. I hope it will be of some comfort to you as well, my friend.

    Spooky :ghost:
     
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Kaza - I see that you have been through a lot and that you have been strong in your own way!

    Do you remember what your doctor said about what your mind could do to your body? “…whereas if I keep thinking I will be one of the people who recovers, I can do so.” I do realize that your health conditions have changed, but the power of your mind remains to play a crucial role in all this…

    Is it possible to do whatever it takes to ease the pain at any cost since the pain is so unbearable and makes you feel so drawn to death? Such approach is better than suicide at least?

    Our physical bodies are deemed to go through pain and we all will die one day. This is part of our human life experiences. Can you feel that the love you feel for and from your mom and husband and the people here on the forum is beyond our bodies? Is it possible that part of us is beyond our bodies, such as spirit? I am bringing this up as it is what has finally brought peace that is beyond understanding into my life (through unexplainable direct experiences) after I have had my share of suffering…

    I do not mean to get your hopes up, but miracles do happen sometimes. In any event, can you do whatever it takes (including easing your pain if necessary) and deal with one moment at a time and live out your full life? (It’s always easier to deal with this one moment at a time. In fact, it’s always the only thing we can really do.) You have nothing to lose at this point anyway? You know that your mom and husband would also have more peace this way. (You cannot just assume that your husband could just go for another woman if you disappeared physically by suicide, which could be traumatic for him, too.)

    I know you have what it takes to…

    With my deepest sincere wishes for you…
     
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    “It matters how you are going to finish. Are you going to finish strong?” Nick Vujicic says…

    He has no arms, no legs…and he says: “I Love Living Life. I Am Happy.” I invite you to watch the video clip and see for yourself:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY&feature=related
     
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