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why has her death made me want to follow in her footsteps...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DarkLordVader, Dec 2, 2012.

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  1. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    its been almost 4 years since my kids mother took her life and i feel almost cursed to follow her, i have no other options left to stay afloat. my kids have been taken from me, i cant get sober, i did try recently and those 45 days were the worst i have ever felt. i was even more depressed and suicidal then i was when under the influence, go figure. so i want out, there is nothing left for me here, i dont care who i affect when i go, look at me now? i am suffering because of someone's selfish act and i am sick of the pain, i want it over. there are no medicines or therapies, groups that will help me, i DONT want change, i want DEATH..
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You wife actions cause you so much pain hun with treatment you can cope you can heal you can give your children back a father. They have lost a mother hun they don't want to lose you too. I know it is hard but please hun get back into treatment get therapy hun and start to get rid of some of that pain hugs You hun cannot pass on that suicidal trait ok to your children Show them hun that it is okay to reach out for help when one is suffering
  3. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    i do reach out for help, like here and other places and so far your the only person who has decided to bother, is that what this word is all about now? every living person on the fucken planet is depressed and cant bother to throw some encouraging words to one another?
  4. vhanna26

    vhanna26 Active Member

    I'm going through some challenges right now. I'm scared and I want to give up at times. I know that it would hurt my husband. He is worried about me, and I have to think about what harming myself would do to him. It sounds like things are really hard, and that you are suffering deeply, but focus on your children. They have already lost their mother. It's important to take care of yourself as well. Continue to reach out and get help.
  5. mackaroni

    mackaroni Well-Known Member

    Even though you may not have your children with you they are still your CHILDREN and you are their PARENT. They have already lost one parent please think about what their future will be like if they lose both of their parents. Right now life may seem bleak, but there is hope and their his help out there. Too many kids fathers choose to leave their lives dont do this to your kids. They will need you for the rest of their lives no matter how old they get.

    Keep talking, reaching out, and know life can be better!
  6. dignitymydear

    dignitymydear New Member

    I don't want to stay here either. But I can't give up yet. All I've ever experienced is pain, loss, and abuse, with glimpses at what a happy life does look like. I guess there's just a small piece of me that still believes I owe it to myself to be happy. I know I have to quit the drugs, the drinking, all of it. But I hope that someday I'll be able to. For now, I'm going to a Christmas carol event tonight even though I've done nothing today but sit in bed and contemplate how much I hate everything. Maybe I'll actually smile. Maybe I won't. I wish I could somehow give you at least the apathy I feel towards my own life, instead of the disgust and anger... I feel like even that would be somewhat beneficial to you, and since I don't have happy, inspiring words, that's the best I can offer you. Sorry I'm not more helpful. If you ever want someone real to talk to, though, I'm here.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Carbie. Sure sounds like the last four years have been very hard for you...Lots of losses and a lot changes. I'm sorry to hear about them.

    I don't know how you achieved your sobriety for those 45 days - with a group, with a sponsor, with a doc's help, or all alone. I'm sure it was a huge struggle. I suspect that the first steps to sobriety are never "easy." I know that many people have setbacks and have to start over again, which is only human. :hug:

    Maybe it's time to try another group, sponsor or therapist? Or perhaps time to find things in this world that you would like to stay around to see. But those are choices you must make. I'd be happy to hear from you about how you're doing though. Good and bad days because we all have both kinds. I really hope for you that you can stay safe and get yourself into a frame of mind where instead of ending things, you want to build and grow so life is as worthwhile as possible for you.
  8. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    all i ever wanted was to stop the madness, get straight and maybe meet someone who would love me unconditionally. i would get my babies back and try to live a happy normal life. the pain i was in while being sober was so overbearing that i couldnt take it anymore and had to go back to what made me feel happy. unfortunately ill be getting hammered tomorrow night, i just cant stop right now...
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Yes, I can understand that going from one coping mechanism (drinking) to not having a new coping mechanism in place would be hard. How about talking to us here instead of going back to the old coping mechanism. Do something that is good for your future, not just for the moment of pain you are in? Don't know if that made sense, but here if you want to talk or PM. Be safe.
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