Why have you not commited suicide? [Possible trigger]

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I've been thinking about this for awhile. I've wanted to just get it over with and end my life several times before (especially right now) but a part of me is scared.

I'm scared for 2 reasons: if I 'fail' at an attempt and it leaves me with some lifelong condition. I mean it really doesn't matter if I'm going to try again but still...it leaves me scared to have to go through the trauma and still be in this forsaken world.

The second reason and this is just coming from me, I'm not speaking for anybody else, but deep down (like way, WAY deep down) a part of me wants to live. A part of me wants to know if I will ever move past all the turmoil around me. All the self-hatred, the anxiety, the fear, the loneliness. A part of me wants to know if I could one day be a happy person that lives and loves everyday.

It's so far fetched because at this point it all seems so distant and unrealistic to me. But I want to know.

We deserve to be happy. I don't know why our lives turn out the way it does. Unfortunatley shit hits the fan and our lives end up in shambles. I am in total shambles but my fear right now is keeping me afloat. My fear of doing the act is keeping me alive which right now is so painful. So f*cking painful but I want to move past this. I want to fight for this life and turn it around as best as I can.
 
The fear of how much it will hurt,if at all,the fear of what happens after death and like Noah said,deep down i dont want to die,life can be beautiful but right now,if this is what my life is going to be like,i would rather end it now,but that small part of me says thing will get better
 

Kiba

Well-Known Member
I havent because:

1) Im too scared of what will happen if I fail

2) I dont want to have others hurt like I was when my brother died

3) I feel somehow connected to the world on a deeper level (internally)

4) I have feelings of maybe having purpose one day (hopeful)

That isnt to say that I dont feel terrible somtimes and impulsively wish to die. I have mood swings a lot and somtimes the negitive moods take over my brain and tell me nothing matters. This leads to number five.

5) I matter and can help others who have lost their own sence of purpose
 

Monsieur

Well-Known Member
Lack of resources. And a glimmer of hope that penetrates my darkness like a faraway lighthouse. I hope things will get better...but I don't know.
 
It takes a lot to actually do it - mainly to ensure that I do it properly (what could be worse than brain-damage or bodily-maiming from a botch ?), which takes research, organisation and catching yourself at a suitable low point.

It's not something that can happen on a spur-of-the-moment urge ... unless you have everything to hand (which takes advance planning).

Suicidal urges tend to be passing - a bit like indigestion.
I guess I'll only ever put those advance plans into place when there's been no light at the end of the tunnel for long enough.

I'm in the UK - but I'm sure that if I lived somewhere where fire-arms are readily available, I wouldn't be typing this post.
 
I haven't committed suicide because of my mom, my nephew, soon to be nephew, and other certain family members. I know the pain I will leave them with, and every time I think about killing myself, I just start to cry.. so I know deep down that I don't actually want to die. I am just so sick of everything in my life going wrong, but I am hoping and praying that things will get better.. and soon.
 

Aphorism

Well-Known Member
I haven't the proper resources and my emotion is always in flux. The most plausible way I've thought of to out myself would take some prior planning, but I haven't felt...strong enough to put forth that effort.
 
I haven't committed suicide because of my mom, my nephew, soon to be nephew, and other certain family members. I know the pain I will leave them with, and every time I think about killing myself, I just start to cry.. so I know deep down that I don't actually want to die. I am just so sick of everything in my life going wrong, but I am hoping and praying that things will get better.. and soon.

me too. plus it would be an insult to the dead...and some people do have it worse than me. but for real the only reason i havent is because someone who did commit suicide came to me in my dreams and had a sign that said 'don't do it' it has scared the SHIT outta me and i haven't been right since.
 

cashing_out

Well-Known Member
I havent gone yet cuz i dont like to lose. Most of all, I need to stay cuz of my son. One other thing, this web site. It has helped more than any med or doc. I let it all out and nobody can respond. Its MY private post. I can say what I want, when I want and dont have to listen to anybody critisize or offer help. When I want help, I post where folks can respond. JMHO
 

houseofcards

Well-Known Member
I'm only going to stay until my boyfriend leaves me and will not take me back.
If our future is good, i'll stay. If I know my future will be any rockier than my life is now, no way.
 
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