I keep thinking about this, today I woke up in pain, physical and mental. I know why, because I'm one of those people who over thinks everything, I have a vivid imagination and I think about things too closely. Every time I have come as close as I am ever going to get, my head goes to the reasons why not to, consequences, guilt... It all really goes to my mother though. She wanted a little girl, she always used to tell me about that when I was a child, how much she wanted a little girl and in those days they couldn't tell you what you were having so when she found out I was a girl (when I was born) she squealed, she was so happy. I was a lovely little girl, she said I was precious, I never wanted to get my clothes dirty so she never had to worry about me coming home mucky like my brother. She said when I was a baby I'd wash, feed, poop and sleep a whole 8hrs and she said I was no trouble at all. lol. How can I kill myself after she carried me for 9 months, looked after me, worked hard to feed me and clothe me almost killed herself in the process. For me to kill myself would be like saying "in your face! It was all for nothing!". I am also scared, scared of what it would mean and what is on the other side. Will I go to hell? I'm not scared of the act of dying, just think it'd be like any regular pain, eventually it'll be over. I'm scared of what comes after and what it would mean for those I will leave behind.