Why i am grumpy trig

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kath, Feb 28, 2007.

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  1. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone

    i think people may have noticed i have been upset recently.It is cos of a very difficult sitatuion i am in.i wanted to protect someone so didnt feel able to share.But now i feel i have to cos i need support with this too.So this is a letter to my support worker.i sent it her a few weeks ago after a few weeks happened.It explains the rest.What happens when your alonee and you really need someone and bwgin ot trust.It is long and no one has to read.i just have to put it here cos i was trying not to share but i cant cope with not getting the support i need too anymore.i was trying to protect someone else but now i need support too.It is long i dont expect you to read but it explains and sorry if ive been grumpy recently.Just so so hurt.i do understand the position of the other person involved but i am just so so hurt too........And as i say sorry that ive been particuarly grumpy recently.Its cos of what happened.



    Edited for my personal address and telephone number

    Date: 13/02/07

    Dear Mrs [Name]

    Thankyou for your letter dated 7th February 2007 which i received this morning.i can confirm that i will no longer be contacting you by text message.

    And i would ask you please NOT TO SEND ME ANY FURTHER TRIGGERING LETTERS.THIS IS UNSAFE FOR ME ESPECIALLY GIVEN MY CURRENT POSITION AND I AM SAD THAT YOU AS A PROJECT DID NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS AND DEEMED IN SUITABLE TO PUT ME IN A POSITION OF RECEIVING SUCH A LETTER ESPECIALLY AT THIS TIIME WHEN I AM DYING.PLEASE DO NOT PPUT ME IN THIS POSITION AGAIN.

    I am sorry that you were ever upset by my text messages which only ever contained the truth of my situation. i also note that your letter was dated last Wednesday.Regards that specific occasion i only ever text you after that workshop as i had made very difficult efforts for me to try and talk to you at the end of that workshop and got quite a rude brush off really.This offended me especially considering my current situtaion and considering how hard it is for me to verbally talk and you know that and i was making such a big effort then and there.

    I notice in your letter today that you say all communication must be during a workshop inferring that it cannot be directly after [as also you pointed out this morning on the telephone].This had not been pointed out to me [though i do note the many previous occasions when you said you would talk to me during a workshop previously and this repeatedly in the past has failed to materialise anyway leaving me feeling let down and unsupported EDITED FOR NAME OF PERSON] and so i was not aware of this.

    Also i would like to point out that this obviously reflects a change in your policy towards when young people can speak to you [either during or after workshops.]You say now that after workshops is not ok.However this used to be freely and frequently encouraged and initated by yourself to me and other members of the group and i would suggest that you let other members of the group know your new policy [unless it doesnt apply to them in which case is it selective depending on client situation and how ok you feel with them potentially telling you the truth and opening up about things??] and i am sorry that you did not let me know this sooner so that we could avoid last Wednesday's incident and the creation of a lot of hurt from it.

    I have also been very hurt by other things you have or have not done recently.i do not understand why you are going out to hurt me particuarly as you personally always told me that you would stand by me whether i end up dead in the end or not.You said you would always be there regardless of that and now i am very hurt.

    EDITED FOR NAME you told me that you knew that i was going to die.You told me that you even knew that EDITED FOR NAME.You said those words.You told me that you knew.That you did know.

    And now you are doing this to me.Why?Why [INSERT NAME HERE]?

    I have been very angry with you for a few weeks if not a few months now at least. But i knew that you were doing your best or at least i thought so so i kept it all inside me but now it is all coming out.......it needs to come out.i have to say what i need to say cos i have had enough.

    You are treating me so badly when i am dying now.

    I know my behaviour has at times been far from immaculate.im not an angel.i make mistakes but you make mistakes too [INSIERT NAME HERE] and have at times acted in a way that has distressed and confused me a great deal.

    I understand that my situation is a confusing one but you have at times often given out confusing messages or messages/actions that have hurt me a great deal.

    I also feel that you encouraged my reliance on the project and yourself in particular a great deal.i feel you personally encouraged that and now you are trying to take that away from me at the time when i need it most,the time when i am dying more than ever.

    You are being cruel.

    THIS WHOLE THING IS A COP OUT MRS [name of person] AND YOU KNOW IT.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2007
  2. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    This is what you have done to me.This is not some game [INSERT NAME].It is life and death.And this is what you have done.Y9ou decided to take me on and now that i am too much for you you decide that you want rid.Cos you cant cope with me and my situation.

    Regarding communication i can see that my text messages were hard for you.However they were not just hard for you to receive INSERT NAME.Stop and think for a minute that perhaps they were hard for me to write too,for me to need to write.For me to have to tell someone that,to have to tell someone news like that.

    You think it was easy for me to write them for you?You really think that.

    I understand that this was hard for you.i understand that a lot and in actual fact the entire irony to all this [HER NAME] is that i was telling you stuff by text messaging yeah sure and yeah your moaning about that now but actually i was protecting you from a great deal and not really telling you a great deal at all.i was not telling you half of what was going on in those messages.i was telling you a very small proportion of what was going on and of my situation and pain,distress.Thats the irony.i was protecting you from so much,trying so hard to protect you from so much and this is what you throw back at me.Dunno why i bothered trying to protect you now to be honest.

    And to be honest i think the main reason really you are doing this [HER NAME] and asking me not to text is because you and your charity/agency are actually very very worrried that i will die soon and the postion that my texts could put you and your agency in.i think that that is pretty much one of the few reasons you are asking me not to text you anymmore.i understand that reasoning.i do totally.i mean think what you could get caught up in.i understand that and i wouldnt want that for you either.However i think that this is pretty much the main and deepest reason for you acting the way you are,doing what you are doing,asking for no more texts from me and as well as managing to understand your actions in light of your potential fears i also hate them and am very saddened that you choose to act in this way which to myself seems so unhumane in many ways.It greatly saddens me.

    One of the reasons i was text messaging you a lot is cos i find communication very difficult in various forms and this is one of the very very few i find comfortable for me and also especially with my situation.i used to write for you and just like my text messages you used to encourage that so wholeheartedly.Although i feel compelled to write to you today in response to your triggering letter from this morning i will not be doing so again as you will also notice i didnt since you tore up my last letter in front of me.i will never write for you again as i said to you after you tore up my letter.i will never write for you again.This is the exception.i am writing today to reply to you and to express something given you have added much distress to that im already experiencing due to my problems.But i have not wrote to you since that time as i said i wouldnt and i wont be doing so again after today and i make it clear to me you should send me no more letters/replies as they are triggering for me and actually placed me in a very dangerous situation.i would ask that you do not put me in a similar position again after receiving this.It is dangerous to put vulnerable young people in this position and im sorry that you did not see that.

    The letter of mine that you tore up well i can partly understand that and partly not.i can see that your emotions got the better of you and that maybe i hadnt given it to you at the most appropriate of times.However i think that what you did with it by tearing it up in front of me was both very very uncaring and unprofessional.

    That evening was one of a few where i felt i was dying and not just at the start of dying but thought that maybe id never see you again ever.i gave you that letter at a most desperate time for me.i was worried id never see you again [HER NAME] and you tore it up.im sorry if the timing did not fit your schedule but i felt that i was dying and look what you have done.YOu tore it up.i thought i was dying and you tore it up!!!!!WEll when you tore that up you tore me up too Mrs [HER FULL MAME].And yet again the night when i left stuff in your car.You have a go at me for that too.Yep maybe it was wrong.Maybe it wasnt the best things i could of done.But again i thought i was dying.i had tried to seek you out to speak to you verbally.YOu had either directly or indirectly refused to speak with me.i thought i was dying and this might be my last chance to talk to you.i thought it was my last opportunity.i wanted you to have that stuff.Dunno why now as you clearly couldnt care less but at the time i thought you did and i needed you to have that stuff in case i did die and didnt have another opportunity.It was important to me.i thought it would be important to you too.i was wrong.Sorry that i was quite desperate at this time and not quite thinking straight and reached out.Sorry that in my desperation i didnt feel able to walk upto you and go [Hey [HER NAME] think i might be dying tonight and please could i give you this as i need you to have it.'Sorry i couldnt be that brave.And thanks for reacting in a way after that incident which just made me feel more ashamed of me and tht you were ashamed of me too.i was already ashamed of being suicidal too.Very ashamed.Your reaction to that inxident that evening has just always made me feel more so.Thanks.i had reached out maybe in the wrong way but i had reached out.YOu treated me like s**t for that.You didnt realise how hard it was.

    After this time you also stopped giving me a lift home and stopped giving lifts to other members of the group i felt guilty and like it was my fault you stopped.And it probably was.However i did not appreciate you telling other group members or their parents/relatives/carers that you had stopped because people were taking advantage of you.Presumably refferring to me.i think it is disgraceful that you would term me as taking advantage of you when actually i was trying to communicate with you at a time when i thought i might be dying and may never see you again.Absolutely disgraceful.Thats what i think of that.

    Also you would be quite right to think or to say that you have no duty to give us lifts home and did not have to be doing this in the first place.YOu would be more than right in that and i am sorry if i upset you.i am however appalled,shocked and absolutely stunned and disgusted that you were happy not even to encourage me to find a safer way home than the bus given i cant see at half past nine or ten o'clock at night.All im saying is that you could have encouraged me,not provided,not found but encouraged me to get home safer.i cant believe how you dealt with this with absolutely no conscience at all despite my more than significant sight problems and also that at times when leaving the group for the evening i was clearly more confused,disorientated than ever due to my poor mental state and having used a lot of medication to try and harm myself.Now yes that is self inflicted and no you have no transportation responsibilities but i was shocked by your lack of caring and//or concern for my welfare or encouragement to keep myself safer when going home.You simply did not care what happpened to me in the dark those evenings despite my significant sight loss [recently being actually registered as blind] and the state i may have been in because of how poorly i currently am.This is not the way to treat very vulnerable young people Mrs [edit].im not asking you to have cared anything more than a normal professional but you simply did not care at all those evenings what happened to me.All other groups or social outings i go on in the ebening either arrange transport for me [some indeed at the own groups expense though i would have no expectation of this from anyone including yourselves] or at least encourage me to arrange my own safe travel home.i am only saying it would have been nice of you to encourage safe travel.That should have been obvious especially given my vulnerable situation.i have even given up going out so late for medication and have found your lack of support for my safe travel back from the group to be both astounding and shocking and upsetting.

    On many occasions i had concerned people from the group approach me [including both members and volunteers] and who seemed concerned about if i would be safe on the way home.One member even said to me as i left the building in pitch black trying to cross the road in great difficulty one Friday night 'Dont get run over'.i think that just shows the level of concern others had for me when you had none.As i say members,volunteers,bus drivers and members of the public all approached me at times seeming concerned.

    Also around this time i note that i was having a hard time leaving you and the group at the end of the evenings be this with you dropping me off home/or getting home by myself.But anyhow it was around this time.i will always struggle at the end of evenings as i worry i will never see you or others again but at this time i was going through a phase of particuarly struggling with it.And now you will deny this.But you are doing the same.i notice you having the same difficultly recently – as it it comes out as you having a go at me always at the end of things.You will have a go at me for this and you wont accept it cos its too hard for you but you are following in my process and i just wanted to point that out again.

    I also think that you know i was already previously reviewing attending any evening groups after many incidents whilst completing my journey home either on the bus or walking [my journey is a combination of the two] including one main incident where i was kissed by a drunk on the bus.This is just one example of a difficult experience i had whilst trying to get home safely from the group.i also had problems travelling to/from the pantomine and this again left me in a vulnerable position on several occasions that evening so as i say it was already necessary for me to take a review of any further attendance on evening events/groups and though up until the events of the past few days and up till this letter i was trying to still get there despite the risks i will now after events be reviewing both this again and any further contact with the project which now seems very unlikely after all that has happened.

    I am also very concerned about overhearing you talking to [NAME OF ANOTHER WORKER] and other members of staff about me on more than one occasion during the workshops when both i and other young people were present.i think this is very inappropriate and highly unpofessional.

    I was particulary concerned to overhear you saying a few months ago 'i give her time to talk but she just sits there and says nothing' to [OTHER WORKERS NAME] from [NAME OF ANOTHER ORGANISATION] during the workshops.Well [NAME OF PERSON TO WHOM THIS LETTER IS MEANT] ive got news for you.One you hadnt told me directly that i could talk to you.Two you had toold me off a week or so previously for talking to you too much so no i hadnt said a lot and i was in great pain actually because of your saying you didnt want me to talk to you.i thought that was truly how it was – that you didnt want me talking to you cos thats what you had communicated to me.Despite my pain i tried to respect your wishes and then what?i overhear you making stupid and unprofessional comments like that and the content of what you said really upset me given your previous instructions and comments.Though again these had changed a number of times.

    And then so i decide to communicate with you more again and look where it leads us?To this and its all supposedly my fault??Well hey i can take my share of the responsiblity.Make up your mind woman cos you are destroying me!!!We have gone around in this circle too much.Does [HER NAME] want me to talk to her or not cos she keeps telling me different things and hurting me in the process?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2007
  3. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    And i also feel i should say that that was not the first time i overheard you moaning about me to others or the first time i have had reported to me negative things that you have said about me.

    I have also been very upset [HER NAME] cos recently i feel i have made an awful lot of progress but that has been belittled,overlooked and unsupported by yourself.i met my parents when i was absolutley terrified.And yes it is my fault i take tablets so give me a slap on the wrist for it if you like but at the end of the day i travelled with probably over a [EDIT ON THE LARGE AMOUNT OF TABLETS INCLUDED HERE FOR THE SAKE OF FORUM] tablets in my system at least to go and do something that terrified me.i did it.Did you encourage me before it,during it or say well done afterwards.No [INSERT HER NAME] you did nothing.Absolutely nothing.

    And ive had nothing from you recently.i dont expect things from you [HER NAME] but i have done so much with moving forward with my parents and my family and in my situation and with looking for things/jobs which i could potentially apply for and would occupy me during the day.A lot of these you suggested to me previously and i struggled to act upon.i still struggle so much with these but you gave me more support when i did nothing at all.When i hadnt travelled hundreds of miles to try and visit family despite my physical health [and yes go blame me for the self inflicted part,i dont care i blame myself too so you might as well and sure you will anyway],when i wasnt looking for something to occupy me during the day despite that i know im dying.When i wasnt trying not to travel late for medication.You gave me more support when i really didnt manage to complete these thing.These things were all type of ideas you would have had for me too previously and encouraged but now im doing them or trying to do them along with dealing with my possible dying you just cant be bothered.

    Make up your mind [HER NAME].You need to sort yourself and your priorities out Mrs [HER NAME].

    I feel so angry and so so let down by you.

    THERE WERE MORE THAN A FEW OCCASIONS WITHOUT PROMPTING YOU MANAGED TO TELL ME 'I KNOW' AND 'I DO KNOW KATH'.YOU MANAGED TO TELL ME YOU KNEW I AM DYING.YOU MANAGED TO TELL ME THAT AND NOW YOU ARE DOING THIS.GET A GRIP.YOU CANT DO THAT TO PEOPLE.YOU CANT TELL PEOPLE YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE DYING AND THAT YOU WILL BE THERE FOR THEM WHATEVER AND THEN GO AND DO THIS TO THEM.YOU CANT DO THAT [insert her name here]..

    I CANT IMAGINE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO KNOW SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS IN SUCH DISTRESS THEY ARE TAKING [large amounts of medication edited for sake of forum] TABLETS A DAY OFTEN AND THAT THEY ARE ALMOST CERTAIN TO DIE OF THEIR OWN HAND SOON AND ARE PROBABLY GOING THROUGH A PROCESS OF DYING AND REACHING THE END.I CANT IMAGINE WHAT THAT MUST BE LIKE.PROBABLY SIMILAR TO WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE FOR ME HAVING TO TELL SOMEONE THAT I HAD BECOME CLOSE TO THAT BAD NEWS AND WHAT I FEAR IS HAPPENING.

    I CANT IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE BUT YOU CANT DO THIS TO PEOPLE [insert her name].YOU REALLY CANT.

    YOU CANT TELL PEOPLE YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE DYING AND THAT YOU WILL BE THERE FOR THEM WHATEVER HAPPENS AND THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS SHOULD HAPPEN IN insert location [AFTER YOU ENCOURAGED ME TO MOVE HERE] AND THEN DO WHAT YOUR DOING NOW.YOU CANT TELL A PERSON ALL THOSE THINGS LIKE YOU HAVE ME AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER SOMETIMES MORE THAN ONCE AND THEN DO THIS TO THEM.IT IS NOT FAIR.

    YOU CANT DO THIS TO PEOPLE AND YOU KNOW IT.

    YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU KNEW I WOULD DIE.YOU TOLD ME THAT.WITHOUT PROMPTING ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.YOU MANAGED TO COME OUT WITH IT BOTH VERBALLY AND VIA TEXT.YOU CANT DO THAT AND THEN DO THIS.YOU REALLY CANT.

    I UNDERSTAND IF MY TEXTS WERE TOO MUCH FOR YOU.I UNDERSTAND IF YOU NEEDED SPACE.I DO UNDERSTAND THAT.I CANT IMAGINE WHAT YOU MUST BE FEELING LIKE RIGHT NOW.PROBABLY AS BAD AS ME BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.BUT PLEASE DONT MAKE ME THE ENEMY,GO BACK ON YOUR WORD.

    YOU COULD HAVE HAD ALL THE SPACE YOU WANTED.

    If this was about the texts which your letter was then i tried to communicate with you in other ways.i really tried.How am i supposed to know what to do when you change your mind all the time.How??Am i just supposed to work it out or know when i overhear you moaning about me each time or when someone tells me the negative you said?i tried.ive really tried and im so tired now [insert name].

    You hurt me so much yet too you have often been the person i have been closest too.

    I would have understood if you had just said you need space.But you didnt.i can also understand if the content of my texts are too heavy going for you but they were not easy for me either and condemn me do [cos i do myself] but everyone needs someone to talk to.For me it is just easier to text or write than to talk verbally.Especially given my situation.It is not easy being someone who is dying whether death is something you need or not.You think its easy dying?Just cos you need it.Your wrong.

    I know theres nothing you can do for me.i am simply asking you to be there.i know thats hard.But i have been doing my best to be more positive recently and you havent even supported me in that.And i tried to communicate with you verbally when you said you would prefer this to text.i tried so hard and you brushed me off.i tried and tried before i had to result to text or writing again.What was i to do?You said you would be there verbally for me instead of the rest and you werent.

    I have done so much recently.Ok so i havent managed the hospital.But ive done so much.Everyone else has praised me and said how well im doing.But not only did you not manage to support me with what im doing you couldnt even say well done hey i knew you were terrified and yes theres a lot to go but at least youve done that.You couldnt even say that INSERT NAME.

    Even if you couldnt have offered to be at the meeting with my parents [the first in several years] to offer support and fair enough if you couldnt then you could of at least offered me encouragement before,during or after.You could have rang or asked how i was doing.Said well done or talked through my terror of the meeting with me [be it rational or not.]YOu did none of that.i feel you let me down.

    If it wasnt appropriate for you to do that kind of thing why was it ok for you to go to a tatoo parlour with someone else you work with once and to a grave with another to support them?Why could you do these things and not this.You even once said you would go to my Nan's grave with me and you never have.i dont expect that now.But dont say things if you dont mean them.They just lead to people getting hurt.And then probably to you getting hurt too.

    And why are you comparing me to others in the groups.They didnt move to [INSERT TOWN LOCATION WHERE PROJECT BASED] and i have been trying tremodously hard.

    I dont even know what you want from me.It used to always be about the hospital but ive told you [INSERT HER NAME] ive told you so many times recently both verbally and in writing that if you want me to go to the hospital with you i will ok?If thats what this is about i will.Ok.ive had enough.

    I dont know what else i can offer you and i dont know what you want.ive offered everyhting i can havent i??

    When i dont offer you my going to the hospital cos of my situation im in trouble.When i offer the hospital you either dont respond or are to busy or blow me off or whatever.

    I wouldnt do it with many people but i would with you now and ive told you and ive told you and i dont know why your punishing me or what more you want from me.Ok [INSERT NAME]?I JUST DONT KNOW.

    Ive tried to get everything right for you.ive tried,ive tried and ive tried.i will do the hospital if it makes you happy,i will not do the hospital if it makes you happy.

    I will do whatever you want ok?ive said it and ive said it and ive said it.i cant help it if im not normal and just need to get dead all the time and not simply get better.i cant help it ok.

    You told me you understood this.Understood where i was coming from.

    Well it certainly dont feel like it now.

    I cant help it that im not normal – need/want to get dead not simply to get better.i cant help that but ive told you now i will do whatever you want but i dont know what that is anymore.

    Just please dont treat me like this anymore.Please.

    You know what [INSERT HER NAME] anyone would think ive done nothing.Anyone would think i never went to A and E with you before when i needed to two or three years ago?You make it sound like i never did.Like i never did anything for you.i went a good two or three times with you and previously.i went then when i COULD so why are you punishing me now.YOu make it sound like i do nothing.Then theres that ive moved to [TOWN LOCATION OF HER PROJECT] with your support and encouragement and i thank you so so much for helping me with that.Yet cos i can do some things which are positive now again but not all its not good enough for you.The fact that i moved so far was not an effort to you.Teh fact that i tried.That im doing other things.Suddenly youve decided its not good enough.Its not good enough cos i cant do some things.Well sorry for trying.

    Ive not been very well recently emotionally nor phsycailly come to that,That is my responsibility not yours i know.ive tried to protect you from the true extent of my sitaution for so long now but i cant do this anymore [INSERT HER NAME] and i feel like saying i dont know how you can treat someone who has now on average taken over [EDITED VERY LARGE QUANTITIES OF MEDICATION FOR SAKE OF FORUM] tablets a week now since last March and spent nearly three thousand pounds [and thats not the most of it as cos everything before too] on doing so to be able to carry this alone or even worse walk into A and E?Of course im gonna want to die if this is my situation.Wouldnt you?You have no idea.You have no idea what my life is like for me.How devastating things have become.How lost,confused and disorientated i become.How i have no routine in my life.How my life is not recoverable.You have no idea what it is like to be in the dark,disorientated,confused and in the middle of nowhere.Thats what happened to me last night [no it wasnt late the nights are getting darker earlier now] all cos my desire for death was too much not to act upon again.Yes i ended up by a very main road,no idea where i was,with little or no pavement and that was me.

    BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I DONT EVEN MATTER.IT ALL COMES DOWN TO COP OUTS.INQUIRIES AND INQUESTS WHICH MIGHT NOT EVEN HAPPEN DOESNT IT.IM NOT IMPORTANT.THEY ARE.ITS A COP OUT BUT I UNDERSTAND.THIS WHOLE THINGS A COP OUT BY YOU BUT I UNDERSTAND.

    SAD THOUGH



    Ok so im a coward.i used to try suicide straight out.Maybe i will gain sometime but i dont anymore at present.i just do my daily thing.Yeah bad idea,yeah it wasnt meant to go on so long.But that doesnt mean that i dont need to do it.im in a lot of pain and i do_One of the reasons apart from the failure of previous attempts that i find it hard to do suicide straight out anymore is cos i thought i had you and people who cared.Now im not so sure anymore.

    Sounds like you wouldnt give a damn.
     
  4. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    You dont know how it feels when the most valuable thing in your hourse is four or so big plastic crates of empty tablet boxes to the value of nearly three thousand quid? [Would be more but had to get rid of them each time i moved.]Everyone may think thats pathetic but you all dont know what its like for me INSERT HER NAME.None of you.

    You dont know what its like to be disbelieved or treated badly by the authorities when you are dying.

    Thats why i keep the boxes.i dont need to prove to me that im telling the truth but the boxes comfort me in my truth.The truth which everyone else either doesnt believe or like you doesnt fully grasp the concept of.Doesnt know what its like.Not really.

    The boxes are my friends and they comfort me in my truth and the reality of my life.

    You dont know what its like to have to go out travel miles and then swallow mouthfuls of tablets in mouthfuls of EDITED FOR SAKE OF FORUM each day.Mouthful after mouthful.Yeah thats right.You dont know.

    You would tell me its my fault cos i choose this for myself.i wouldnt blame you for blaming me.Told you that before.Hey id hate me if i was you.But maybe you could think what pain a person must be in to need to do this?Maybe you could just think?What pain a person needs to be in to do this and build it up over years [wasnt supposed to take this long],to need to do this to themselves day in and day out.Just think about what it must be like to feel the need to do that.It used to be regardless of being out at midnight chasing tablets and my death [still is when i slip back but like i say ive made the effort],what its like to be out there in the snow,thunder and lightning,in halestones and in absolutely pouring rain [i have been out in those conditions many many times – it is scary and i still need my death,still do it yet people think i do this for joy,for fun HER NAME??] and then to come back and still feel the need to shove those tablets down you.Maybe i deserve how your treating me.Maybe i do.im not saying i dont - thats your decision but how do you think i feel to feel like that inside myself,then to go through all that outside and feeeling such a need ot shove them down me when i come backand then be treated like this by you now?How do you think that feels.

    As i say im no angel,never was,never will be but i think sometimes the things some people say or write and the actions they make are just cruel.And you already know what i think of some of the things written about me by people when ive been dying.They hurt me so much especially a particuarly letter you know about written by a professional the other day.How can people write things like that letter about me when im dying?How can people write things like that about me when im dying?Its just cruel,callous.i might be no angel but i could never do that to people.Never.Could never be so inhumane and uncaring.

    You helped me a lot,you inspired me a lot.The times when you said youd always be there for me if im dying or not,the times you said to let whatever is going to happen now happen in EDITED AS TOWN NOW IN AFTER MOVING AFTER KIND SUPPORT FROM HER PROJECT [where youd helped me move to - and you say i make no progress and do nothing and make no effort,i moved all this way despite my circumstances and sitauton but thats no progress??Thats worth you treating me like this cos i struggle with other things is it??Worth ignoring??] whether i was going ot die or not and youd be there for me,the time when you took me to the church and held my hand and lit a candle for me.,the times when you told me that you knew i was dying without prompting they all touched me.They all mattered to me.They all mattered.i cried when you did the last cos i felt so touched cos i thought it truly meant someone was there for me and truly understood.All those times.They all mattered to me.They might not matter to you.Certainly dont seem to anymore.But they mattered.They mattered to me.

    I have no idea how you feel right now and im sorry if ive hurt you though youve hurt me too.But i am sorry for my part.im sorry ok.But i guess all you can think about now being a professional with potentially a dying person on your books is that you have to cover yourselves.You dont want my texts.In fact you dont want me or my situation anymore.YOu have to cover yourselves.i can understand that.Probably all you can think about is inquests and inquiries.i can understand that.

    I understand that.It just makes me sad.Makes me sad that all of that matters more than me,more than caring.All of that matters more to professionals more than caring.A potental enquiry.

    I see where i stand now and dont worry i am very hurt but i understand it.It is partly what i feared.

    This is just not the project or the person i knew.im sorry for my part but this is just not the project or person i knew.im very sad.

    Its only any potential enquiry that matters now.Not what im going through,the truth of my sitaution,end of life care or just being humane or even just professionals being professional.None of that.Just potential inquests and inquiries.

    You tell me off for boundaries for my messages [the times you feel like it and arent encouraging me to open up that is] well HER NAME now your more concerned about the possibility of enquiries,inquests etc perhaps you should keep your work phone switched off at 1am or 2am these days.i know you had it on cos i get delivery reports.How about boundaries HER NAME,if im that much of a nuisance,if you really dont want me to text why dont you turn it off???Why,why,why HER NAME?You are confusing me!!!!EDIT – ADDED FOR BENEFIT OF FORUM IT WASNT ME TEXTING HER FOUR AM CHRISTMAS MORNING.I APPRICIATED THAT SO MUCH,SHES A GREAT PERSON BUT THEN SHE CANT TELL ME OFF FOR BOUNDARIES CAN SHE??

    Well i wont be texting you now youve told me not too and so i hope thats what you really wanted cos having your phone on pretty much most nights at one to two am whenever i did unfortunately have to end up sending you texts in great distress at that hour isnt what that signifies to me!!!!!!!It signifies you are waiting for messages.Well i hope you wanted none cos that s what your gonna get now after sending me that letter isnt it so i hope its what your wanted despite your actions there signifying the opposite.i know you used to keep the phone on if you had known someone was particularly in crisis one night or other but you keep it on a lot more now it seems and thats great if you want to provide a caring service but not if you dont but then dont criticise us and i dont know what game your playing but your sending out mixed messages.

    Do you remember HER NAME how you used to encourage my texting to make contact in crisis no matter what the hour if i felt i was in real danger?Do you remember that?i think you encourage most of the group to contact you in a crisis.And i used to tell you simply my texts were often only to make contact.May sound stupid still but i didnt necessarily need anyone to read them.YOu used to understand that and encourage it.It is still the same now but im taking it you dont want me to contact you anytime outside office hours even in dire crisis or via text or writing anymore and i certainly wont be after youve hurt me like this.

    Your very good at taking away the things you have encouraged arent you.And very good at taking away literal lifelines too and without a second thought.Well i hope youve got what you wanted and i hope your proud.

    Oh by the way did you give me Ted just by coincidence too or was it cos you knew i am dying = just seems a bit strange otherwise.

    Well i guess you have made your choice both professionally and humanity wise.Whats more important?Potential enquiries and inquests and kath who may get better or may not.

    Well stuff kath then aint it.

    That sounds about usual to me so dont worry about it.

    I couldnt come back now anyway.Not even if you wanted me to.And youve made it pretty clear that really you dont.We dont even have a line of open communication i can feel comfortable with and i cant even be truthful about my sitaution anymore.So there would be no point.But youve made yourself more than clear anyway.

    You have taken everything away and clearly i have let you down.

    Well i miss you.i will miss you HER NAME and the project so much.i really will.i already feel ive let you down.i feel that ten times more now and i know that what i do will never be good enough now.i know that more now.

    Sorry that what i do will never be good enough.

    I think so much of you for helping me and ive tried my best though it will never be good enough now.i didnt mean to drag you into this.Never meant for it to be a battle between politics and caring either......but i guess with the world on enquiries and inquests out there these days it has to be.i understand that.

    I will miss you.i will miss all the project.Sorry.

    Sorry that you had to make this choice.

    Sorry for everything.

    I repeat do not reply to this as you very badly triggered me and that is dangerous.

    Your sincerely
    kath and Ted INSERT MY SURNAME
     
  5. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Kath;

    Not sure what to say except that I'm sorry you're going thru such trying times, especially with those who are supposed to be helping you. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs and hope your circumstances get sorted to your satisfaction.:smile:

    love,:hug:

    least
     
  6. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Hi Kath,
    It sounds like such a confusing and troubling time for you. I'm sorry that such a precious relationship has deteriorated. I could empathise with much of what you'd read over boundaries because they are so important for us, and people need to be consistent and transparent.
    :hug:
    Sarah
     
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