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Why I Am Here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by JV3, Jul 26, 2012.

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  1. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I'm J, I'm 26, and I currently live in a small suburb of Birmingham, AL USA. I work at my dad's accounting firm and am trying to learn the profession on the job as I didn't go to school for accounting. I also play piano and sing to make some extra money on the side.

    I went to the University of Alabama for 5 years where I double-majored in English and Secondary Education and double-minored in Creative Writing and History. Unfortunately, I had a financial catastrophe during my last year, and while the University let me proceed through my classes, I owe a huge debt that I can not pay right now or anytime soon; therefore, I don't currently have my diploma, so those 5 years seem like a big waste to me. Before that fiasco, I had dreams of writing novels and teaching creative writing.

    I first dealt with suicide and depression right after I turned 14. During the first year, I saw several counselors and psychiatrists, and was diagnosed at different times with severe depression, bipolar, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, ADHD, OCD, and, while never diagnosed, I suffered slight symptoms of schizophrenia. I was placed on several medications. At one point, I was taking Aderall, Prozac, and Paxil at the same time. That was the only combination that kept from having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, but I felt like I was losing my humanity in the process. By the time I turned 16, I had stopped therapy and began to take myself off the medications.

    I still dealt with some anxiety and depression over the next few years, but nothing I couldn't manage. My next spell didn't come until I was 21. My fiance of one year and I had a fight we couldn't recover from, and she opted to dump me rather than try to fix our issues. I had a hard time dealing with the reality that we weren't going to get back together, and the more time went by that semester, the more intensely depressed I got. This is when I began to have impulsive suicidal thoughts. I would have moments where I would get so depressed that I would want to kill myself in a moment. I used to drive along the interstate and debate running into traffic and sometimes I would park near a lake and debate driving in. Luckily, I did have some friends at the time that really helped me pull through, and I also discovered an unrealized talent in singing and in playing piano. This helped me eventually get through that.

    Over the past year, though, my life has seemingly hit rock bottom. I've already described my issue with college, and because of that I've been completely broke the past three years. I've lost a lot of friends for a lot of different reasons - some my fault and others out of my control. The friends I do have, I don't really "talk" to in order to keep some social interaction without being a burden. I'm lonelier and more isolated than I've ever been in my entire life. I don't have a lot of direction and I have little to no motivation. My suicidal thoughts are much more real to me now that they ever have been in my past. I come across to most as very calm and collected, but the truth is I'm so numb to everything now. I'm numb to the thought of death. I researched suicidal patterns online and I notice that where I am today in my thoughts and actions are definitely getting much closer to the "imminent" side. I fantasize about doing it. I think about making a will. I think about what my funeral would be like. The thoughts are calm now, not like the ones before where it was a means of escape from such deep depression, anxiety, stress, or revenge against myself. It scares me when I get in a decent state of mind because I can look at who and what I am becoming and I realize that if I got set off in the wrong way in the wrong moment that it's very possible I would actually go through with it.

    I'm not a professional psychologist, but I think one of my biggest problems currently is that I have lost comprehension of most things in life. For most of my life, I have been someone who tried to understand everything. My "curse" (others call it a gift) is that I see so many possibilities and potential outcomes in every person, event, or scenario. It's like a web that goes out from my mind where I've been able to pinpoint things and understand things, but now that web just goes out forever and I can't real my thoughts back in. It drives me crazy. I used to like in a world where I believed free will and destiny, structure and chaos, could coexist. None of these things make sense to me anymore, and I believe that I am continuously losing touch with reality and "common sense." Over the past year, everything I believed in, everything I stood for, everything I hoped for has been challenged, and in many cases I don't know who or what I am anymore. I feel like a broken person that's not repairable.

    That's basically where I am now. This is why I am here on this forum.

    - J
  2. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome! :)

    This is how I've been feeling too for quite some time now, but in a Very good day I see it as if somehow I'm forced to start over, find new meanings, leave the old ones. As if I didn't get something right until now. Anyway, I hope you find something helpful here. Take care.
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    JV3 hello and welcome to SF's.. sorry things are so bad these days.. you have lots of company here that are feeling the same way.. thanks for opening up here.. i do not know how to help; you.. look around this place.. lots of forums on all kinds of subjects ,
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