I've thinking very hard today, asking myself "Why are you depressed?". I've have lots of thoughts but I believe the truth is, I want to be like this. I feel like I'm abusive to those around me and I don't deserve the little bit of love I have. I feel morally repulsive for my continued existence. It makes me question everything. All those times when I was "happy", was I really happy? Was I ever really "happy"? Is it actually possibly "happy"? Who am I? Am I really the person I think I am, or something entirely different? What am I? Do I need to be here? Then what is holding me back? Why haven't I accepted the inevitable? Why haven't I done it yet? Things have certainly been more predictable since starting medications, but in all honesty I know that I have little value to anyone. I have made a few attempts to talk to anyone/someone about this but I have failed so many times. I want to say something, I just can't for some reason, maybe shame? I feel awash with rejection and I want to abandon my petty life. I feel so shameful for posting this.