Why I am thinking about using?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by whoamiboo, Jan 21, 2016.

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  1. whoamiboo

    whoamiboo Active Member

    Thoughts consume me at the moment of using any illegal drug....

    Consuming thoughts are haunting me... A little bit about me: as you can see I have been a member of this forum for a long time now. I don't post much but I feel compelled to post my thoughts. At the age of 17 years old I lost my best friend to <mod edit - methods>. Never in my life have I ever done drugs. No matter what my friends were doing I was always the one to say no. I would never want to harm my family by my stupidity like my best friend did. I only wish at a younger age I would have experimented. Now I am in my mid 40s and have a sudden desire. What is wrong with me? Has anyone else been through this? Never done drugs but wish they had?

    Some reason I want to express myself by using but I can not say that is me at all. I am in a dark area of my life right now. Things are going well at home but my mental thought are not. I want to cut, I want to do drugs and I want to die. My p-doc says that I have a sensible side to my mental disorder if that is possible. I know right from wrong but when I am having a chemical imbalance I scare myself. Scaring myself is doing something I can never recover from. Oh what to do, or what not to do. Thanks for being here to vent....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2016
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