Hello everyone, I've struggled with depression most of my life. I've been on anti-d's for years. Tried many different ones. I had a meltdown last august and wanted to kill myself. At the time, I was in relapse mode with my alcoholism. (i had previously been clean and sober for 9 years). After my 3 day stint in the hospital, i quit drinking and resumed aa meetings. The doctors took me off the Adderall i was taking for ADD. We've tried various medicines for both the depression and ADD since then, but nothing seems to be working. I have stayed sober and have over 6 months now...but my depression just seems to be getting worse. I am not working now, as my work is seasonal and that coupled with the winter isn't helping. I've gained 30 lbs. since i quit drinking and taking adderal. I'm eating chocolate like a crazy person....unhealthy amounts. I can barely bring myself to get to the meetings anymore. I find myself looking online for alternatives to a.a. I'm also looking online for ways to kill myself. I don't think my friends in a.a. know how to help me. Or that a.a, as such is my answer. I've gone from having boundless energy from the Adderall to sleeping 15 hours a day. When I think of leaving the house I fear losing sleep that i think i so desperately need. I can no longer do simple chores. My house is a wreck, but I can't pull myself out of this terrible place to do anything about it. Somedays I think burning the place down would be an easier solution. I might have one decent day a week and get a few things done, but the next day my lethargy resumes. I don't know what to do. I went off of my meds this week for no apparent reason. I can't really say that my depression has gotten any worse since not taking them, but it certainly hasn't gotten better. The counselor they set me up with sucks. I got nothing from the sessions. I hate what I do for a living and would like to change that, but the fear is overwhelming and I have no consistent strength or motivation to follow through on any ideas. People I know tell me to cheer up...it will get better. Smile, they say. I don't think they really know how close to oblivion I really am. I've tried to share with some, but no one really understands if they haven't experienced life long depression. Scared to die, but more afraid to live. When everyday seems like an endless repeat of the day before. When there are no dreams left. When every hopeful idea is immediately supplanted with "you can't do that" or "you will fail." I feel like such a whiner. I don't like being this way. I don't like the thoughts i have, or who i've become. I can't even consider getting into a relationship with someone because it feels as though I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm ok with being single right now, but being alone all of the time can be dangerous for me. I fear going back to alcohol to numb myself, but I know I'm even worse drinking than I am now. Thanks for being here..i hope i can get some help.