A little background before i get started here. Ive been on and off again depressed since i was 16 and im currently 19. I dont know how to organize this all to make sense but below are a few reasons why i am the way i am and very confused of whats become of me. Im going ot be honest below is one of the hardest things i ever typed out so please bare with me if it doesnt all make sense. It started of when before i was 16 i hated the way i looked and it changed my personality and the way ive acted ever since. Not that it was that big of a deal i was always scared of what people thought of me and how they veiwed me. From 16 on i started to get very depressed and at one point i decided it was the end and i just wanted to ___ people to help myself feel more comfortable with dieing as i wouldnt be alone. From that day till i was late 17 i was thinking of ways to get guns and how it would happen. Eventually i got some high powered weapons. when i turned 18. In the back of my head i knew i didnt have it in me to do such a terrible thing but felt impulsive to keep getting more weapons. When i finally collected what i wanted it was more of a comforting thought that set me asside so when i was depressed it would help lift my spirits that ... well i duno how to put it. During that time from 16-18 i once took a loaded shotgun and put it under my chin and told myself to outweight the reasons to die with reasons to live or that would be the end. I would do this with no real intention of killing myself but wanted it to no longer be just a thought but an actual option that was available. Some nights i would just try to train myself to be more diluted so i wouldnt bother me so i took a pistol and wraped a towel around it and stuck it in my mouth to see how it felt. One day along time later i wanted to see if i had what it took to pull the trigger so i took a [ ] and pulled the trigger only to realize that it had been loaded the night before. From that i just lied my way out of it as i didnt want to ruin my record with mental health issues that would prevent me from purchasing firearms. All this time it was this nagging feeling that i had to die and leave a lasting impression of it behind. I thought of hanging myself,gassing myself and other terrible things. My mind is warped i dont think a day has gone by in close to a year that i didnt think of killing myself. Everything ive been through during highschool hasnt helped a bit and in some cases its often made it worse. Above is the thoughts of my depression and i dont htink i can ever be comfortable with myself. Im a very nice person at times wether i know someone or not. I dont like the idea that i have such evil thoughts but its hard to shake off. Im not a violent person im not a hateful person i strongly believe in god and constantly remind myself that he has a plan for me but through all ive put myself through mentally its becoming harder to understand my purpose in life. Yes im generally kind of young but im afraid and saddened i will never make anything of myself and if i dont kill myself ill always be the way i am and thats not fair that i have to live like this. I never push myself to do things i just hope things will happen for me if i wait long enough but this is just to much. I have no job, i dont know why but im not a very likeable person regardless of how nice i am , as the saying goes nice guys finish last. All my friends seem to have given up on me as im just a waste even my long time friends no longer call to hang out as im just stuck here and i ionly had 2 good friends and there very active with a life i would give anything to have. In the bible it says not to envy people but everyone i see i feel when i see people that are well off and happy i get sad that i will never have that and in a way i deserve it. I love my family i love my friends even if they dont like me back ill always be there for them. I always have dreams of doing something but i cant pull myself to do anythiing beyond my endless cycle of what im doing right now in my life. As the lord puts it to hate is to kill and i dont like to say this but i hate myself i hate the choiced ive made i had what i became and its hard to come to terms that ill ever be ok with who i am and be accepting of new things in life. Again im sorry if i rambled on but its taken me over a year to come to terms with it all and i feel i need to get it off my chest and share it annonymosly.