Why I dont deserve to live. trigger.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Falcon0006, Dec 14, 2008.

  1. Falcon0006

    Falcon0006 Well-Known Member

    Im sick of having to always find that positive note, and im just gonna admit to myself Im the worst human in the world. I dont find anything good within me. It just seems like god made me to fail. here's some reasons why Im sick of everything. Im too depressed to put out good grammar or nethin Im going crazy so dont think im stupid... well do if you want.

    1. Looks wise im spotty, ( thanks to me) Ugly fat, and my brother would back me up on that ****, wear huge glasses because without them i get headaches, cant see anything, cause of I dunno depression I guess.

    2. I couldnt get a girlfriend, I'm too nervous around girls, I dont know why, I just cant be myself around them, but heck even if i could, I cant have sex cause i have some problem with my dick. Hooray. Another problem on the list.

    3. I hate my parents, I hate my family, and I get jealous of everyone who
    enjoys their families company. I hate myself around them I've never bought my mum a present and enjoyed it only wanted them cause im a selfish ****. My dad hasnt spoken a word directly to me, he takes the piss out of me, he went to jail, and my mums huge and i insult her behind her back, and I dont know why. Why Am I like this?!

    4. I had friends, but they all hate me, whenever they get the chance they fucking take the piss, and now since im depressed Im just quiet, not because im nervous, but because I really cant think of anything to say My minds fucking shot to fuck. Seriously, the guy everyone says " god that guys a looser" Is me. its sad, but Heck a friend told me thats what everyone says about me on msn. I deserve it, truthfully I'm a bad person. I havent done anything for anyone else, ever.

    5. I only play games. I ignored everyone else when i was happy, and just played games, when i was told my grandma died, I just carried on playing the game, because I couldnt understand why anyone could grieve over someone dieing.

    6. Job-wise Im never gonna become anyone. It's scary. It fucking terrifies me. Im gonna be trying to live with my parents for the rest of my life, and their not gonna want me cause they hate me. Im about to come and tell my mum i want to drop out of college, because I cant do the coursework. I want to god help me I do. I cant, because im too depressed at the moment.

    WHAT do I do I mean seriously, I know Im a bad person. i Know everyone thinks im a bad person. Im the bottom of every class, literally bottom. Not close, always bottom. I've gotta go to school tommorow and fake im happy to new friends even though I'm gonna lose them. Its not like Im at the bottom of the pile and im secretly a nice guy, Im at the bottom of the social scale, And im the worst guy In the world. THE WORST . Like I'd like someone to compare how horrible they are with me, but I know they will never come close. I want someone to talk to, but im selfish you know? I'll think about my problems then leave you out. I hate me, the world hates me, god hates me, everything is against me. and I deserve more hate then that.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    When did you start thinking about yourself in this way. It seems like your in a vicious place, it doesn't help that external forces further expand this vicious place.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Falcon

    ''Everyone hates me''

    That statement is untrue. I don't hate you. In order for people to love you, you have to learn to love yourself.

    You sound like you have very low confidence and self esteem. Maybe a therapist can help you with that?

    I hope everything works out for you..

    I'm here if you need someone to talk to :arms:

  4. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your list could go on into the thousands, but there would never be an incident. There would never be an act, a thought, any reason that would ever mean that you deserve to die.

    You deserve life and you deserve love, no matter what. Forever. It is insanity to think there could be a person undeserving of life and love.

    :hug: :heart:
  5. Falcon0006

    Falcon0006 Well-Known Member

    That was sweet. I dunno I was in the baddest mood ever, and im in a pretty bad mood now, but like its not terrible. I dunno I just reckon If anyone on this site knew me in real life I'd end up being really horrible to them cause of depression and stuff. it's been six months now and I still havent told anyone Im depressed, I think my mum and dad kind of know, but i dont have the guts to say i wanna go see a councellor, I wouldnt be able to say it convincingly enough without making it into a joke or laughing it of or something. im trying to tell my mum but i keep procrastinating, cause i know my mum is gonna have a go at me for even thinking of the idea, she will somehow get the idea that I think she's a bad parent, and go ballistic. But I think I need to see a doctor, I mean whatever type of depression is making me less intelligent, I cant even speak sometimes... I just sing a line from a song. I know I sound self - piteous, but that's because I am, and I apologise, I just hope in writing these threads I find someone who can completely relate to my problems.
  6. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    i can relate well to your problems.

    i see a few psychiatrists but my mum doesnt think any differently of me. as far as shes concerned shes glad that im getting the help that i need. your mum would probably feel the same as well. and im sure she would be there for you

    i get the feeling that you want the help but your too scared of going to get it. i dont know if im right or not but going to get the help will pull you out of this horrible vicious circle you have found yourself in, or at least help understand it. i dont know if your on any medication or not but seeing a doctor would really help you.

    im sure your mum would never think any less of you. none of us here would think any less of you. whatever you do never apologise for how you feel.

    stay strong