Why I feel the need to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ilikegrapesoda72, Aug 6, 2007.

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  1. Hello, I am 14. For the past year it's just been hell for me. Making it through day-by-day. Over the summer it's like I was just getting through (almost), now schools here.

    I decided to sit down and write exactly why I feel the way I feel. I broke it down into three items.

    #1 Social

    Ever since I was a child, I was extremely quiet; probably from my dad's strange habbits and OCD about how loud things were etc. I'm not really sure why I have an anti-social disorder... it affected me quite a bit. When I was 8-12 I really only had 1 or two friends... I was always frightened to talk to anyone; in paticular my peers. I was homeschooled to make matters worse. However, when I went to freshmen year it got into hell. I didn't make friends easily, and talked to no one. My parents gave me a strict talk about the people I "hang out" with too.

    I was afraid of when the teacher would not assign us work, because I just had to sit there and act as the alien, that no one spoke too. I was quite un-friendly, so I don't blame them. During lunch I always sat alone... with a few people who felt bad for me.

    Even around my own friends I don't talk much, I keep to myself. I have a knack for a good personality if it's not by means of speech (actions or the internet ^.^). I suppose that's to do with my other insecurites.

    #2 Physical image

    I have extremely thick hair, and a big head. So you might say, well keep it short: it will look fine. If I do that, I look like a chick, fo srs; I will admit that. So I always kept it long and past my eye brows; and looks like a coconut if I throughly was it every day. So I just cut it around my ears, and wash it every other day or so. Works, but I'm always so OCD/insecure about it... so I have to constantly readjust and and whatever so I don't look like a dumbass huge head, or look like a chick.

    Another part is well... "Man Boobs", usally it lasts 6 months or so; but with my it's been a year or more; and yet they stay. It's not real big or noticeable easily. I always slouch and such, and wear a shirt that cover it up good. So no one notices... and not go swimming etc. it really pisses me off that it happend to me...

    #3: Homelife

    My parents, are like aliens to be, strange habbits etc.; they just can't relate to me. They are always screaming and act stressted ALL the time.

    My sister (16) is pregnent, with an abusive boyfriend (hopefully I think hes in jail now).

    My brother forces Christianity down my throat, when I decided a long time ago that I am Athiest (I am not here to debate).


    Life just sucks for me. I think if I kill myself it's the proccess of evolution (weak die, strong live). I stopped cutting months ago, but now these feelings are just back...

    I told my mom I wanted to speak to a theripist, I think she scheduled an appointment...
  2. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I think it's helpful to organize your thoughts on paper, agreed?
    Perhaps taking a deep breath and taking that first step is crucial. People generally don't bite and it may take some effort on your part to break the ice. Join a school club that interests you. Is that a plausible idea?

    If you think this obsession with self-image is serious enough to constitute a disorder, please see a professional about it. Otherwise, how about taking up an interest in an athletic activity?

    I can't say too much about this, only that family strife will come and pass. If it doesn't work out, there will always be that option of moving out when the time comes.

    That's not really how it works. "Weakness" as you're referring to yourself, isn't exactly genetic as it has much more of a social influence.
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