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Why I hate myself

Marga

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi guys, just want to vent a bit. After years of therapy and numerous books and everything where you are told to love yourself first, I am realising I do hate myself and I know why. I have grown up in a disfuctional family - my parents, who never divorced (which would have probably been better), have lived in an abusive relationship. Our household was like a warzone. Not physical abuse, but emotional. Of course, they abused not only each other, but also me. I sort of feel sorry for them and I know life has been hard on them, so right now, as they are old, I try to help them as much as I can (which is limited as I live in a different country than them) to make their life a little better. However, it doesn't change the fact that I am broken and act disfuctional in my relationships. I have just gone through yet another breakup. And can't get over it. Why? Because I know it's also my fault. In the relationship of my parents, things are so entangled that is not clear who is the abuser and who is abused. Or can it be both? In any case I am applying the behaviours of my parents in my relationships and I don't even know if I am acting as the abuser or being abused. And that's why I hate myself. After years of trying to fix myself, I don't seem to be able to make it. Again I lost a guy I loved a lot. Will not see him again. Will not have children with him. Will be lonely again. Sometimes people are broken beyond repair and that's me. I have been trying so much to get better, but I don't have any energy or motivation left. Thank you SF for at least having an opportunity to write this here. Hopefully here are people who understand how I feel.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear of your abusive upbringing. That can leave mental scars which can be dealt with in therapy. I think you are an amazing person to still try and do as much as you can for them even after all that has happened, that really speaks volumes about you as a person, you should be proud of that.

Sorry to hear of your break up, break ups can be pretty hard sometimes depending on circumstances and feelings.

I think you should seek therapy. I know you are only venting here so I'm sorry for suggesting therapy but I really think it can heal old wounds and put your mind back in a good place.

I hope venting here helped you, remember you are an amazing person and even after all that has happened you continue to fight which is admirable. It shows courage and strength.

*hug for you, if wanted x
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
*hug I'm sorry. I understand self-hatred. It's an awful feeling, and makes everything else harder.

You are wrong though, you aren't broken beyond repair. It sounds like you understand some of the problems you are having in relationships. You can work toward finding a healthier way to deal with stuff.
 

Marga

Well-Known Member
#4
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear of your abusive upbringing. That can leave mental scars which can be dealt with in therapy. I think you are an amazing person to still try and do as much as you can for them even after all that has happened, that really speaks volumes about you as a person, you should be proud of that.

Sorry to hear of your break up, break ups can be pretty hard sometimes depending on circumstances and feelings.

I think you should seek therapy. I know you are only venting here so I'm sorry for suggesting therapy but I really think it can heal old wounds and put your mind back in a good place.

I hope venting here helped you, remember you are an amazing person and even after all that has happened you continue to fight which is admirable. It shows courage and strength.

*hug for you, if wanted x
Thank you Champagne, for your supportive words. I have been going to therapy for 6 years now, really trying to work on myself. I really made an effort. And I thought it was working. But I don't think there is any point in continuing if I can't even maintain a partner relationship, let alone, what I would like to, have a family. Sorry I am being negative. I just feel like I reached a dead-end. But thank you for your optimism. I don't want to bother people with my current negativity.
 

Marga

Well-Known Member
#5
*hug I'm sorry. I understand self-hatred. It's an awful feeling, and makes everything else harder.

You are wrong though, you aren't broken beyond repair. It sounds like you understand some of the problems you are having in relationships. You can work toward finding a healthier way to deal with stuff.
Thank you sinking ship for understanding. Actually I guess you are right, I could continue working on myself probably. But right now I really don't know where to take energy and motivation for that. I really loved this guy and I know I made a lot of effort. But it didn't work. I am aware of some of my patterns, but probably unaware of most of them. And I won't get another chance with him. I know this will sound pathetic but I found him like the kind of guy with whom I would really like to stay. And now it's over, so what's the point. This is already ruined. Sorry for my negativity and thanks again.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
Hey, Marga. Don't worry - you're not being negative, just explaining your feelings and that's totally okay and that is why this site exists, so that you can ''bother people'' (you are not bothering people in reality, just letting it out and doing the right thing by seeking support, please continue to reach out so you are not suffering in silence). Well done for making all that effort over the course of the past six years and beyond, you're a fighter.

Okay you feel you have reached a dead-end. I think you should start small and what I mean by that is do just one thing today that will make tomorrow a little better and easier for you. There's an article on the front of this site called, ''what can you do today to make tomorrow better''. I have personally read it over a hundred times and its helped me immensely, I think it might help you too.

Also, do you think that changing therapists and shaking things up a bit may help? Changing therapists can seem daunting at first due to having to explain everything all over but in the long run it might be just what you need. I really have huge respect for you for fighting and fighting and not giving up. Keep up the hard work - I know how mind and energy consuming it can be. Keep fighting and posting here and don't ever think you are being too negative or being sorry for it - its why this site is here and I think most of us can relate. *hug x
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
Thank you sinking ship for understanding. Actually I guess you are right, I could continue working on myself probably. But right now I really don't know where to take energy and motivation for that. I really loved this guy and I know I made a lot of effort. But it didn't work. I am aware of some of my patterns, but probably unaware of most of them. And I won't get another chance with him. I know this will sound pathetic but I found him like the kind of guy with whom I would really like to stay. And now it's over, so what's the point. This is already ruined. Sorry for my negativity and thanks again.
You don't have anything to apologize for.
I don't think it's pathetic that you think of him that way. You know, you always learn something from every relationship, that can get you closer to being who you want to be and being with the type of person you want to be with.
You don't have to rush into anything right away. Do what you need to for you right now. And try not to beat yourself up so much. A relationship takes two people. Whatever your faults, he certainly had his too. Just because you and him didn't work, it doesn't mean you're doomed.
 

Marga

Well-Known Member
#11
Also, do you think that changing therapists and shaking things up a bit may help?
I had a very good therapist for several years. She then moved to a different country so couldn't continue with her. I have actually thus tried some others and with none of them it worked very well. I also feel like I'd like to take a break and just like a normal everyday life. But doesn't seem so easy.
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#12
Do you think any of us had a perfect family? I believe we're all dysfunctional in some way. But, it doesn't make you a failure. No one is perfect. The most important thing is, to believe that you are NOT broken or a failure. That you can be better than what you expect of yourself. Yes, it's not a easy task. But, if you let yourself believe you're not a good person, than you will always put a roadblock in front of you. Goes for everything we do. We are the only ones who hold ourselves back. Yes, it's a tough battle. But, never give up.
 

Marga

Well-Known Member
#13
Do you think any of us had a perfect family? I believe we're all dysfunctional in some way. But, it doesn't make you a failure. No one is perfect. The most important thing is, to believe that you are NOT broken or a failure. That you can be better than what you expect of yourself. Yes, it's not a easy task. But, if you let yourself believe you're not a good person, than you will always put a roadblock in front of you. Goes for everything we do. We are the only ones who hold ourselves back. Yes, it's a tough battle. But, never give up.
Thank you! 😊😊 There are times I think that. But it's so hard to accept oneself when there are many people who judge, don't like me and hurt me, don't accept me the way I am. Don't accept that I am not perfect. But thank you. It's somehow a really hard time for me right now. Your support means a lot.
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#14
Thank you! 😊😊 There are times I think that. But it's so hard to accept oneself when there are many people who judge, don't like me and hurt me, don't accept me the way I am. Don't accept that I am not perfect. But thank you. It's somehow a really hard time for me right now. Your support means a lot.
So many? One or two individuals don't represent the majority. Everyone judges. And, especially nowadays dating has become a huge hurdle because everyone expects perfection. Yet, they fail to see their own imperfections. Anyone who judges you, has yet to look at themselves. Don't let those people drive your life. You need to pick your head up and drive on. That goes for anything in life. It's easy to give up, takes less energy. No one controls you, except you.
 

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