Why have I been gone? I really don't know. I feel guilty almost- like I abandoned all of you. Everyone. White Dove especially. But somehow I just never logged back on. Let me fill you in on what's been going on at least with me. Kyle, who I went down the the school counselers about because I was afraid he was going to kill himself, is my friend again. But that's another story. Anyway... Guidance does shit. Sorry for cussing, but it's true. You tell them that you've lost all interest in life... and they look at you funny and ask how things are. I finally stopped cutting around the end of September, haven't since but I have seriously thought of it since. I've had other forms of self-harm, but not cutting. I want the scars to go away. I think. I went to the, ahem, girl doctor in October. I don't see why. They really should have sent me to a shrink instead of an ob-gyn. They would have really gotten down to the root of the problem then. However, while in Mrs. Dr's office I told her about the girl problems. Like irregularity and such. I also told them about the mood swings and tried to get across how severe, violent and sudden they are. But those fell on a deaf ear and she didn't understand. NO ONE understood that the mood swings are the REAL issue. So they scheduled a nice little sonogram. When they were calling my name for the sonogram, everyone looked at me funny, down their noses- like here's another teenage pregnacy. Add the fact that I wore a skirt that day. Even the doctors looked at me distainfully until they learned that the real reason for the visit was my cycle was all out of whack. I could be imagining that... but I'm not so sure. I'm hypersensitive to being judged, so... They thought they found the problem: polycystic ovaries. HAH. Let me tell you, the guy that did the sonogram told me they didn't look polycystic. But the doctor told me they did, slightly. So we really still don't know why my body suddenly turned on me- the nausea, the loss of appetite, irregularity, the intense stomach pain- so they're only paying attentin to irregularity and calling it polycystic ovaries. Now I did do my research and the only critera I meet is irregular cycles. I meet nothing else- I really should be sprouting hair and a whole bunch of other not-so-pleasant things. Now depression and anxiety IS linked, but only because I should be upset about my apparence- which is fine. But more and more I am meeting critera, have matching symptoms and everything starts to look more and more like a mood disorder. I know that if I bring this up to physicians they will be dismissive (because it's rare). But... it's not that I'm bummed. I was ready to kill myself. I was cutting nearly every day in September. My sorrow, my guilt, my depression, my anger and my hoplessness was swallowing me. I was making plans to kill myself (in fact, in September I had planned to be dead by now). Polycystic ovaries don't do that.