Why? I just want to scream WHY!

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by JaneDoe1795, Mar 18, 2010.

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  1. JaneDoe1795

    JaneDoe1795 Member

    I didn't mention this in my last post because I wasn't ready. my hands are shaking just typing this.
    But something happend recently, definetly not what I expected.
    and it made me realized, things like this have been happening my whole life.
    When I was really little, learning how to swim our teacher was about..i'm not sure somewhere between 17 and 20 I think.
    My mom told me I must be his favorite because he was always telling her how much progress I was making, but she didn't stay to watch the lessons.
    He was always pulling me on his lap...and touching me. even when it was completely unecessary.
    5th grade my brother brought one of his friends over. Complete stoner but I didn't know I wasn't able to tell back then. It seemed like he stuck close the entire time he was over, eventually my brother made him leave when he kept giving me hugs. Eventually.
    7th grade I remember sitting in class in front of these two guys, one was supposed to be my boyfriend. What do seventh graders know about relationships? they don't.
    They kept pulling down my jacket off my shoulder, and hitting my leg.
    Touching, me.
    8th grade, I was sitting on the stage in the gym, broken finger trying out for basketball. This guy, supposed to be like, the big stud on campus came up started talking to me.
    Then he put his hand on my leg. and rubbed.
    that makes me sick to type.
    I gave him a "what the hell are you doing?" lookk and he just laughed and walked away. None of them, took me seriously.
    Recently, there's been this guy.
    And he won't leave me alone.
    he dosn't ask when he hugs me,
    touches my hair from his seat behind me,
    rubs my arm
    touches my back
    and even though it's hard for me for some agononizing reason, I DO say stop.
    he laughs, more of a chuckle.
    And he whispers in my ear.
    I wasnt to tell her, but she won't believe me. I know her, and she won't believe me.
    This is the hardest part...
    yesterday, durring lunch. Of course ALL the bathrooms were locked accept one. The one in the most deserted part of school.
    But I had to piss like BAD
    After I did my thing in the bathroom I walked out and he was there, with his friend. Who I could tell never liked me, but at least he didn't participate.
    I tried to walk around them but HE blocked my path.
    HE grabbed my arms and HE pushed me against the wall.
    his friend stood back and laughed
    as HE shoved his mouth onto mine
    on my neck
    I litterally felt like I was self imploding. thinking about it makes me want to like, take a acid bath.
    He put his hand UP MY SHIRT.
    he's so much bigger than me.
    I'm sort of tiny for my age, not much, but still.
    I was trapped there, while being felt up by..
    this..monster. THAT'S what he is in my mind. a MONSTER.
    Eventually, he pulled away, laughed, had the nerve to rufflle my hair
    like some pet
    and sauntered away with his damned friend.
    there. just writing makes me not want to quite self implode so much.
    But the acid bath still sounds good.
    And I don't feel I can face going to school anymore
    facing him
    and his fucking smirk
    his mouth
    his face
    his presence
    my life.
  2. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    well done for writing all of this :hug: im sorry you have been abused by so many different people, what the last person did to you is so completely wrong, you need to talk to someone at your school, to let someone no before he does it to someone else too, or even worse, i no this wont be an easy step, but once you have done it, you will feel better. can you talk to your parents? explain to them what happened? maybe move schools, it seems a shame to have to give up your education because of that boy, i hope that things start to get easier in the enxt few days! PM me if you need to talk, i no how it feels :hug:
  3. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry to hear this is happening to you. Get help NOW! Don't let it just go past like I did. Don't live in the hell I put my self thru for 28+ yrs.

    If he pins you up against a wall again a knee to the nuts gets the point across really quick. You need to let someone at the school know about it immediately. Talk to your parents immediately, they need to get you out of that school or something. Trying to get an education while having to worry about something like that isn't going to work.

    Something to look into doing in the very near future, self defense classes, even if you never have to use them, they build confidence. I know it helped me, making my bullies in middle school look like idiots was definitely worth the 5 hrs a week I spent learning it and the discipline I got from the classes, excellent.

    Once again, do not let this go on any longer, let someone know immediately!!!
  4. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Jane, I'm sorry those things happened to you. That boy does those things because he feels he can get away with it. Your self-esteem is low that is why you have trouble saying "stop". The best thing would be to tell an adult who can protect you, someone to be in your corner, someone who will realize the seriousness of what's going on. Someone at your school or in your family. Maybe a teacher you feel you can trust. If you can find more strength in yourself that is good too but don't be too hard on yourself about that. The abuse needs to stop for the the healing to begin.
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