i posted a few months ago about being suicidal over the fact that no university would accept me with the grades i had, i got a lot of help but not much later did i realize that it had nothing, and i mean NOTHING to do with being a bad student, it was more of the following: - wasting four years doing nothing but subjects i hated, i mean i get having to do the odd subject i disliked but chemistry? when i could be doing art instead? the only reason i took that subject was because "i" "wanted" to be a doctor (basically, my mom wanted me to be a doctor, i guess i adopted it and fooled myself into thinking that that's what /i/ wanted because i didn't know what it was i wanted at the time) - disappointing my mom because of my falling grades, my lack of motivation and interest in even attending university. i can think of her and immediately break down in tears - her not even considering letting me explore my other options (gap year, volunteer work, traveling and trying things out until i know what it is i want to do). fuck, she's so against it that when i once brought it up she was furious, literally the anger inside of her it's like nothing i've seen before, she just started swearing it was word after word of nothing but insults she was almost shaking (i say almost because the only reason she wasn't shaking was because her anger was showing itself verbally) i don't remember crying harder than i did that night, the next morning my eyes were so puffy. my mom is usually very good with words, but she kept repeating herself like she was so angry she couldn't think of anything else to say fast enough because all she wanted to do make me feel like an idiotic bitch for even bringing it up and it didn't matter how i can't spend another four years doing something i don't want, well really it isn't even four years it's the rest of my life it'll be university, then working and living in this god forsaken country, then getting married and having kids in the same god forsaken country, and i don't even want kids (but it's not my choice to make, apparently). well other updates since then: - i'm cutting again, blah blah i knew i'd start again but it's helping me quiet things down - after much thought, i've decided on how i'm going to kill myself, it'll seem silly but it works for me and it's something realistic, i'll have to keep putting it off until i burn all my journals/clear all my hard drives/get rid of anything that's ever meant anything to me, i don't know if i should leave a 'note' behind, they're too cliche (and i can't do anything that resembles your 'average' suicide because i know my family and the shit they'll say, the crap my aunt gave me when she found out about my cutting gosh the things she said i can remember every fucking word) i don't even know why i typed all that but i have to go to bed now since i've got school tomorrow. can't keep doing this. i hate the fact that i've regained the ability to cry gosh. thanks to anyone who manages to read all this, i almost feel obligated to post this as "tl;dr".