why i let you down *SI trigger*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by faithless, Nov 12, 2008.

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  1. faithless

    faithless Member

    i posted a few months ago about being suicidal over the fact that no university would accept me with the grades i had, i got a lot of help but not much later did i realize that it had nothing, and i mean NOTHING to do with being a bad student, it was more of the following:

    - wasting four years doing nothing but subjects i hated, i mean i get having to do the odd subject i disliked but chemistry? when i could be doing art instead? the only reason i took that subject was because "i" "wanted" to be a doctor (basically, my mom wanted me to be a doctor, i guess i adopted it and fooled myself into thinking that that's what /i/ wanted because i didn't know what it was i wanted at the time)

    - disappointing my mom because of my falling grades, my lack of motivation and interest in even attending university. i can think of her and immediately break down in tears

    - her not even considering letting me explore my other options (gap year, volunteer work, traveling and trying things out until i know what it is i want to do). fuck, she's so against it that when i once brought it up she was furious, literally the anger inside of her it's like nothing i've seen before, she just started swearing it was word after word of nothing but insults she was almost shaking (i say almost because the only reason she wasn't shaking was because her anger was showing itself verbally) i don't remember crying harder than i did that night, the next morning my eyes were so puffy. my mom is usually very good with words, but she kept repeating herself like she was so angry she couldn't think of anything else to say fast enough because all she wanted to do make me feel like an idiotic bitch for even bringing it up and it didn't matter how

    i can't spend another four years doing something i don't want, well really it isn't even four years it's the rest of my life it'll be university, then working and living in this god forsaken country, then getting married and having kids in the same god forsaken country, and i don't even want kids (but it's not my choice to make, apparently).

    well other updates since then:

    - i'm cutting again, blah blah i knew i'd start again but it's helping me quiet things down

    - after much thought, i've decided on how i'm going to kill myself, it'll seem silly but it works for me and it's something realistic, i'll have to keep putting it off until i burn all my journals/clear all my hard drives/get rid of anything that's ever meant anything to me, i don't know if i should leave a 'note' behind, they're too cliche (and i can't do anything that resembles your 'average' suicide because i know my family and the shit they'll say, the crap my aunt gave me when she found out about my cutting gosh the things she said i can remember every fucking word)

    i don't even know why i typed all that but i have to go to bed now since i've got school tomorrow. can't keep doing this. i hate the fact that i've regained the ability to cry gosh. thanks to anyone who manages to read all this, i almost feel obligated to post this as "tl;dr".
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Faithless,
    Boy you are getting it from your mom and your aunt. How old did you say you were? If you think you need a hiatis from school then do it. It's your life. Have you considered a junior college? From what I hear they aren't that bad. I wouldn't know I never finished high school (smoking to much pot).
    I think if you let them force you to go to school it will reflect on your grades because your heart won't be in it. You need to do whats good for you!!! They will just have to get over it. So they get pissed off thats there problem..Take Care!!~Joseph~
  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Not much I can add to the good advice Joseph has given you. You must live 'your life'. If that doesn't fit in with some peoples plans for you then they need to adapt not you.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    There is nothing wrong with taking a break and trying to decide what path you may want to choose to follow. Your aunt and mother mean well, but they are not being realistic if they want you to follow in a career choice that will only serve to make you unhappy. One problem I an forsee with taking a break before continuing on is that the majority of the time they don't go back to get a degree or any kind of higher education. I hope you do not find this to be the case for you. Take care and stay safe.
  5. faithless

    faithless Member

    @joseph: i'm 17. they won't really let me take a break or anything, i can't do much about it and i won't even consider bringing it up with my mom. i can't even leave this place for another 8 years without consent from a male relative.

    @snowraven: i wish that were the case ^^;

    @gentlelady: they couldn't care less if i was happy or not as long as i'm doing what they think i should be doing. to be honest right now i'm not sure if i'd even want to go to university i just want to leave this place.

    thank you all for your responses ^_^.

    i was hesitating about even posting in the first place because i don't know what to really expect, i feel like it's hopeless and the only way out i can see is just putting an end to it
  6. mufc89

    mufc89 Member

    i can kind of relate to your situation, I myself have been forced to go university when really i have no motivation to work and mostly depressed all the time.My parents said if i didnt go then i would have to leave home.its pretty shit when people force you to do things you dont want to do.
  7. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    "i can't even leave this place for another 8 years without consent from a male relative." => OK.. that is very odd, you need consent from a male relative?? Hmm.. weird. Can't understand the motive for this.

    Hi? Faith, how are you doing? Your mother seems to have very high expectations of you. I had been in your shoes for 3 years, by the way..

    Do you want to become a doctor?

    3 years for a bachelor of science degree, MCAT, 4 years of med school, 2-plus years of residency and last but not least a couple of years to pay off all the tuition debts..

    If your dream is to become a physician, do go for it, if not don't even bother and do what you dream of doing.

    And don't lose any sleep over grades, you're a young kid. You can always go to adult school later to upgrade your highschool marks. I'm taking classes there right now.

    You're not as 'doomed' as you think. And once you start university, no one's going to care about your highschool stuff anymore.

    Think about what you truly want to do. Do you like performing arts? working in retail? interior design? fashion? engineering? Take your time and think about it. 17 is still very young and you have time to do some soul-searching before entering university.

    University/college is not a waste of time(It was a hard lesson learned for me), the education will pay off tenfold in years down the road.

    Becoming a doctor would be amazing but please don't let your parents dictate what you'll be doing for the next 20~30 years..
    I'm sure your parents want the best for you like every other parent and A LOT of the times, parents are right.

    However.. you can't budge on the right to pursue your dream. We can't ask our parents for permission for every little step we take. It's our lives after all.

    Do not give up on your life and dream yet. You haven't even started. Highshool is just another hurdle in the way.

    Good luck~
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