Why I quite like my loneliness.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Joshy, Oct 25, 2012.

  1. Joshy

    Joshy Well-Known Member

    I like my isolation. Being in my room for as much of my life as possible. I don't want to go outside, because a multitude of reasons.
    I personally feel like everyone is too mature for me, or just too... I don't know. I know it's my self that is the conflict.
    I never socialized very much at all in my life. No one ever taught me to socialize, and I never had more than 1 friend at a time for very long. Not because of something like an argument or anything like that, it was usually always because they had more friends who were more interesting than me, and we just lose contact/communication completely and fade away. It's always like that. All friendships are temporary for me, and I can't make many friends very well at all.. I don't think I'm use to it like most people. They just start talking and become friends and talk more all the time without really ever having issues from my perspective.
    But with me, I can't talk. I can't start a subject and just keep talking and make ANYONE interested. I don't disgust anyone or talk about strange subjects. I usually present my friendship by showing as much concern as possible for them, and showing them I care about their existence by asking them "How are you?" and all the basic questions I should be asking, nothing rude, nothing pessimistic.

    But I just don't know what's wrong. I'm not unattractive, I get told I'm cute by many strangers. And it bothers me that I am attractive yet, socially inept from reality and EVEN the social network. I can't make friends anywhere, in reality or even online.
    It just doesn't work for me, it's never long-term, and it's never more than 1 or 2 friends at a time.

    Even just now. I thought I had made a couple new friends to talk with every day or so and have fun playing Minecraft with on a server. But apparently the host who apparently speaks for the members of the server, says I "Come in here with monologues about your "entertaining" adventure, minigames, and other bullshit that no one shows even the minimalist interest in."

    And I don't see why it wouldn't be interesting.. He wasn't even supportive. No one was actually. I always felt neglected in the server, no one talked to me much and they all kept their projects on the server confidential from me it felt like.. I felt useless and neglected.

    It's not any different for me to feel neglected. I've been feeling neglected my whole life.....
    I can't commit suicide because I have a fear of physical pain and fear of never being able to come back and keep trying to socialize and change.
    Even though I know I'm not moving. I'm frozen in space. Here in my isolation.

    I don't progress. I just decay.
    Nothing's changed even over the past 4 years or even further back. Nothing.

    I just sit here, in my isolation, playing games, making music by myself, and attempting to socialize with people online.. But nothing ever happens.

    It's the most depressing feeling to have ever experience this. I truly think nothing is more depressing than being neglected from reality, being utterly and COMPLETELY alone without friends, family, or lovers.

    I just sit here and rot. No matter how hard I try I can never be like the other people in the world who socialize and always talk a lot and are chatty and accepted...

    I think it's even more depressing than a heartbreak, or hell just ANYTHING.

    To be alone like this.... Too confused to know what to do, to inept and separated from the world to BE.

    I just want to BE. I don't care who or what. I just want to BE. Be like others, etc.
    I just can't BE.

    I'm me... And I was practically born neglected and socially inept like this. :/
  2. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    We have much in common, I've always had a problem making and keeping friends. How I got a gf I'm not quite sure but she's my only "friend". I really struggle with social situations, sometimes I have words in my head and other times I go completely blank which means I'm stood there in silence desperately trying to think of something to say. I find it much easier online because I have time to think.

    My gf thinks I have aspergers, perhaps have a look at the symptoms maybe you do too.

    I have 2 step kids so end up at various school events All the time. Whilst the other parents are chatting away, I'm the one stood there all alone feeling like I shouldn't be there and worrying that they're looking at me thinking the same thing.

    We've quite recently got a dog and when I walk him people stop and talk to me, something I find alien but exciting at the same time. For once in my life people are wanting to talk to me. I try so hard to participate in the brief conversations but usually the blankness sets in and they're left talking with me nodding and smiling. But it's amazing what difference a dog makes. These same people would have otherwise walked past without even eye contact. In fact one mother at my step sons school never so much as looked at me everyday and then she saw me out walking the dog and it was as though we'd always chatted. I was left very confused.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can say I hate how people tell me how handsome I am all the time. How surprised they are that no one has any interest in me. It is all lies, why tell someone the truth and hurt their feelings? Regardless... sorry I do not have anything I can really add. I can completely relate to you. The only thing worse than your situation is a living someone who has no problem leeching off of you.