Why I Want to Die *trigger warning*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Twocky61, May 11, 2014.

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  1. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    My situation was whilst in local authority care a fellow resident & myself were both raped by what turned out to be a bi-sexual staff member, which I realised he must be when I found out we were both victims, her & I - After months of regular sexual abuse Helen (not her real name) & I teamed up & decided we would escape the situation we were in - We realised reporting the matter would be pointless as we believed we would not be believed as he would obviously deny it & also I was taking more than my fair share of abuse to protect Helen; it seemed he was not fussy who he abused, so my reasoning was I was the guy and it was my duty to protect Helen, the girl

    Eventually Helen & I ran away together only to be found by police only a week later - we were seperated back at the childrens home, but realising that would leave Helen more vulnerable than she already was I regularly made sure we spent time together - I knew she was still being raped but at least I was there as someone she could share her burden with

    The last time Helen & I saw each other was her final night - in the morning Helen was found hanging in the plant (boiler) room

    My anger against our 'monster' was unbearable & I knew then it was my duty to Helen to get that 'See You Next Tuesday'

    I never did have the oppurtunity to get him

    Since Helen died I have regularly self harmed as a coping mechanism for the fact I failed to protect Helen & I still feel to this day her death is my fault; yes, she took her own life, but was to all intents & purposes killed by the 'Monster' and me too - I tried to protect her but failed miserably

    I will never forget Helen - I will take her death to my grave and I often wish that day was here now

    I have had vatious relationships including with a girl 'Abigail' (not her real name) who I woke up to find her dead in my arms; she had committed suicide, just like Helen had all those years ago

    Now I am in a relationship with Claire (real name) who has a history of serious DV at the hands of her ex husband who I have a strong desire to kill

    There is more that has happened in my life but the above covers a proportion of it

    After I left school aged 16 I found a job working in a local engineering factory that manufactured bespoke engine parts for the aviation industry: Dowty Aerospace. After six months working there I suffered a serious industrial accident which if I chose to I could have sued my employer for gross negligence under Health & Safety at Work legislation - I had no desire to do so lest I lose my job when I was well enough to return. The accident involved my falling from an unsafe mobile scaffolding tower onto a cutting machine where a cutting blade pierced my abdomen deeply and my legs were trapped in the machine. Bleeding profusely and in intense pain I soon passed out with the pain to awaken to find firemen using a crane to free my legs and paramedics were treating my deep wound until they could remove the blade from my abdomen

    After a major operation and physiotherapy I eventually was able to walk again after months in a wheelchair which I hated causing me to feel suicidal and subsequently I made six attempts during that time the most serious attempt being stabbing myself deeply in my stomach with a carving knife so desperate I was to die - I was in a deserted field where I moved myself out of my wheelchair and lay in agony on the grass waiting to bleed to death - The knife remained inside me and I must have lost conciousness because when I awoke I found myself in hospital - the farmer who owned the field had been out with his dog and came across me laying there bleeding & apparently dead

    I was later sectioned to a psychiatric hospital where I was an impatient for initially 28 days but stayed there for 3 months until I was transferred to a long stay unit - All through my stay I was prescribed Valium which kept me sedated & drowsy and unable to motivate myself to attempt suicide again After a further 3 months I was reviewed again but I ended up staying in the long stay unit for nearly a year - whilst there I did regularly self harm which prolonged my stay but sedated & drowsy I did not care if I stayed there for the rest of my life

    Eventually I was released out into the community under the care of a Community Psychiatric Nurse who I did get on well with but like Lyndsey my CPN now I can't confide in her as i can't confide or hold eye contact with anyone which is why in an internet forum typing I am able to express myself more freely because my inhibitions drop a little
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2014
  2. pleasedonthateme

    pleasedonthateme Active Member

    Re: Why I Want to Die

    im so sorry... sorry.
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Re: Why I Want to Die

    No need for you to be sorry Pleasedonthateme me but thankyou anyway :hug: :hug: :hug:
  4. pleasedonthateme

    pleasedonthateme Active Member

    Re: Why I Want to Die

  5. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I think is important to report sexual assault to the police. Maybe the first report won't be believed. But if there is a second report later. And there are independent reports. Then it will be believed. Sex predators do get caught, sooner or later.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I am so sorry to hear of your background Twocky, so very sorry all this has happened to you. You sound like you were a minor when it all started - in local authority care, is that right? I can understand how intimidating this must have been for you and Helen, but her death was not your fault hun - sometimes we take too much upon ourselves trying to stop the pain when we never can really prevent the choices that other people make, it's beyond our power and often we don't realise what we could/should have done until after the event, and then we can only try and find ways to let it go....... I am very glad that you like SF so much because this is one of those ways, being able to talk about it to people who care, like we all do here :)
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I completely agree. My heart cries for you. :hug: I hope someday you are able to break free from these chain link memories by forgiving all that's in the past.

  8. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    do you feel like you want/need to confide in lyndsey?
  9. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    That's terrible. I'm so sorry. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I'd love to kill that man....Anyway, I'm glad you're able to express your feelings here. *Hugs*
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I am sorry about your loss. Helen's death was not your fault.
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The major thing with abused kids is "it's my fault!".
    I carried the same guilt for years, happily a thing of the past, but saw the same guilt in the abused kids I worked with.

    Know this, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!, IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT! The guilty piece of shit has probably not wasted a moment of his time feeling guilty about anything, but his time will come, it most certainly will come!
  12. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Thankyou Hatshepsut, urPrecious, Daphna, ScaryForest, Forge2Trust, Sudut & Terry


    Both Helen & I were eleven & we were in a childrens unit which was part of Lancashire Area Health Authority which has since closed and is now a nursing home
  13. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    I feel comfortable talking to Lyndsey to a point but under her Duty of Care policy she has to report to her line manager any concerns she has for my welfare. Because of this i rarely confide in her and I definately have no wish to confide in her my life prior to my relationship with my teacher but enough said as Ben has already told me that is not an appropriate subject fo SF as some of you have been abused by their teacher whereas in my case it was consensual though the law would not see it that way
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