Why I want to die, Why I am here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soi, Nov 19, 2014.

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  1. Soi

    Soi New Member

    I don't know where to start. I'll try to be very basic. For starters, I am primarily feeling suicidal due to my incompatibility with others. I struggle to have simple communications and especially any kind of relationship with anyone. This includes my immediate family. I used to have a very close relationship with my mother, but within the past decade we have become enemies. It's mainly because she has went from this complete saint to an evil person, who I don't even know. She had went from never telling a lie, no matter how awkward or how "dangerous" the truth may be, to being a chronic liar. She will now even lie when it is not necessary. She was a bit clumsy before, but now she is completely irresponsible on a voluntary level. Overall, the mother that I once knew is gone. My mom is still alive, but she's not really here anymore.

    What little relationships that I've had, they have crashed and burned. I don't feel that any relationship is genuine. I don't feel that anyone has taken the time to learn anything about me. I've stuck my neck out for complete strangers, yet nobody has really stuck up for me. It's a really terrible feeling when you need help, but nobody has your back in certain dire situations. I feel that I am in the background, forgotten and not respected as everyone else. I felt sad at first, when nobody would really remember my favorite anything, but now it's to the point where I'm just pissed off. These people have known me for a long time, but they still don't bother to take a mental note of who I am. I really have no clue as to why me, other than I just have terrible luck in life.

    I realized today that I may not be a typical case of wanting to die. I really don't want to die or kill myself as the main point. I know this doesn't make sense, but what I really want is the ability to kill myself to show people how much I'm hurting. Then, once I'm dead and everyone is grieving, I want to come back alive to reunite with them but this time with true love and respect that never ends. It's like I feel so desperate in reaching out to people that I'm willing to take my own life, and that's the only thing that may get their attention.

    I have had a very unusual life. My childhood was very screwed up. My dad was never around and I never got to know him. My step dad never seemed that interested in me at all. To this day, I feel awkward talking to him as if he's a complete stranger. Anxiety has crippled my life's development. I was a hermit for a solid 7 years. I know this is the internet and you're probably doubting that as a fact, but I literally have stayed exclusively on my own property for 7 years. I can't just go out in the world like most people can. I missed a lot of school when I was young due to an uncontrollable fear, nearly to the point of going to kid jail and being sent away to foster parents. The only thing that probably saved me from that, was the fact that my step dad was in with the judicial system. The best I can explain it, is that school was very traumatic for me. It was like having stage fright every moment that I wasn't at home. As my fear grew, my grades slipped. I found myself just filling in the blanks because I just wanted to go home immediately. I had zero interest in learning, and my poor mental health even delayed the genuine love of education from me at a young age. I was actually convinced that education was my enemy, when all along it was just the hostile environment in which it was presented to me. I wasn't bitten by the learning bug until my late 20's. Instead of getting help or the teachers being interested in why I missed so much school, they immediately assumed I was just lazy or was being delinquent. My grades were fine for someone who didn't show up to classes half of the time, and they were still beyond passing. However, the school took my absence personal and would not allow me to graduate without taking additional classes on top of the ones that I obviously couldn't handle. I got angry and finally dropped out. To this day, I am yet to have a real job which is the first step in starting a normal, independent life. I was watching something today about soldiers of war, going back home and not being able to go back to their civilian lives. I realized that's how I am in a way. It's as if I'm stuck in high school like some ghost, and I just don't know how to move on. Even though war and school was a terrible place for us, we are still drawn to it almost like a captors relationship with it's kidnapper. I never really had a life because I was too worried about being judged or things just going wrong. I was, and I still am, this very neurotic person that seems to be constantly stuck in flight mode. I'm hyperventilating while everyone else is coasting through the progression of life. I don't know who I am and I'm sure I'll die before I get to know myself.

    What I really need is a group of people. I've not really had a true friend or anyone to depend on. I crave a team or a brotherhood of some sorts. The best thing about school was the sports and group competition. I'm here on this site because one-on-one isn't enough for me. Calling the suicide hotline will do absolutely nothing for me. I have tried talking to single individuals in the past, but it does't seem like they understand anything. To be honest, I think that most people start to tune you out after a while and don't really listen. Talking often times makes things worse, because with one person it feels so temporary; it's like today you are the star of the show, but tomorrow you're forgotten again. I guess I've never felt like I've had a family, and I'd do anything for one right now. I'm tired of struggling alone, and I'm not talking the typical "I have no significant other" type of loneliness. This is a much darker and deeper kind of loneliness of nobody out there being even close to being like me. Nobody even notices me as if I'm some wandering ghost in the background of their lives. I genuinely feel like I'm the last of my species, which is the kind of terrible loneliness that I'm dealing with lately. The worst part is, I'm a funny and average looking guy at the very least. I've always been nice and respectful to others, despite my history with people. I don't understand how it all went wrong. Sure I've had "friends" in the past, but the type of friends that end up stealing from you or using you exclusively for their own gain. There are times when it feels like the error is on my end, and at times it feels like it's everyone else who is screwed up instead.

    Thanks for reading.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Your life is important and please do not think anything different. You must realise that you are important and not the only one suffering in anguish. From your post, you seem a nice person who just needs people to understand your feelings, way of thinking and support you when your require. I think this is your haven. Keep posting for the support you deserve. Do not fret now.
  3. Soi

    Soi New Member

    It's nice to see a reply so early this morning. I have to add, that I've had some of the worst days of my life lately on top of just not wanting to exist. I've been much more accident prone, when I'm normally a very cautious person. Just as soon as my toe heals well enough to wear shoes again, from dropping a 4x8 sheet on it, I stepped on a nail this morning. It's frustrating because neither of which is really my fault. It really freaks me out when I hurt myself, especially if there's any chance of it leaving a scar or any lasting affects. I have no problem with physical pain, but I do carry a thick phobia of germs and infection.

    Yesterday I was having the best day of my life, but then later on one of my pets suddenly died. It was just a few weeks back when I lost another pet. I felt like a new person and I was about to go out in public and do normal things for a change. It all turned to anger and frustration, because really it was my parents negligence that was the cause of both pets dying. Nobody follows rules around here which always leads to chaos. I'm living this same pattern of people disobeying my wishes/techniques, then I have to deal with the aftermath even though I take strong preventative measures. It feels like I have no freedom here. I guess this is why I want to be apart of a team or have a new family. My existing family just acts like a bunch of lazy, rebellious teenagers. I'm the youngest in the household right now, but I feel like the parent that nobody listens to.
  4. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Dear Soi, wow, you sound like an incredible strong person, so hopeful and positive even though you've gone through all of the things you described. And I was astonished, there is no victimization in your story, you tell the story of your life, and sound maybe unhappy but also acceptant about it, there is no anger in it. That is something which I admire, and I believe you are a wonderful person.

    Well, what else can I say to you? Personally, I've also had troubles mingling with other people and feeling accepted, always being ready to help others, but when I needed help, I was treated as if I were a demanding burden, and when circumstances worsened my situation rapidly declined and eventually to brought me to the brink of live and death. Now I feel so destroyed that I know that I will never in this lifetime feel what's like to be carried by a community of friends. I'll be hospitalized for the next 2 years, and the staff is very friendly there, so that will be my next experience of being taken care of. It's a good place for me to be. I've been so broken that I will never live up to my fullest potential, which I really regret, but which I can only accept. I've decided not to end my life, so I'll go on, one step after the other, seeing where the path of my life will take me, embracing all that I encouter, including my suffering.

    On the other hand, there has been a time in my life where I really rose above my limitations, and where I did meet new friends and lovely people, and where I was an uplifter for others. I met many new people in three particular communities, you might look whether these communities exist near you too: The first was a dancing community, i was a dancer of Argentine tango, which was my ultimate passion and I deeply regret that I can't dance anymore. The other was a Wake Up Sangha and a Satsang Community, the latter being two spiritual communities, one for meditation and life sharing for young adults and the other for selfrealization/soul development with help of an enlightened teacher.
  5. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    What you went through with school sounds a lot like social anxiety to me, which I've also had for most of my life, and why I also dropped out. I used to get straight As. My grades slipped because I was around only 2 out of 5 days at most, not because I couldn't do the actual work. I started contemplating ways I could lie to my family that I was at school when I was really going to go do something else, even if it was just sitting at the park writing for 6 hours, or riding buses back and forth. When it came time to do a graduation project in 12th grade, and I knew I had to present it to the whole class, I decided uh-uh, fuck that, and just left and never came back. I did get my GED that same year, but my social anxiety prevented me from finishing anything else I ever tried to start as well. That was in 2007, since then, I've tried going to technical school to become a pharmacy technician, and dropped out of that when it was time to do my externship and I realized I was going to be dealing with a bunch of assholes who were going to complain about anything and everything the same way as if I was working a regual retail job. Then I went to community college in 2009, and between everything that's been going on with me...from depression and suicidal thinking, to social anxiety, to drug addiction...it took me until now to finally be able to finish that. I'm supposed to be getting my associate's degree this December. And the ironic thing is, the social anxiety is still very present, and I have to do a presentation for one of my classes next week. Am I scared? Hell yeah. I'm scared shitless to go up there and have to do that...but between everything I went though, I can honestly say, I've been through things that have been a lot more scary than this. When my addiction was at its worst, I went to the bank trying to cash fake checks to get money to get high. And those 5 minutes in there, wondering whether or not they're going to realize that the signature on the check is fake and I'd be arrested and charged with a felony right there on the spot, that was absolutely brutal. And I did that on about 5 different occasions, so you can imagine what my anxiety was like then, but because of how much I wanted to get high, I did it anyway. And that was a real, legitimate fear...like, in school, granted yes, the possibility of others criticizing and ridiculing you feels very real too, but at least you know that nothing 'BAD' bad is going to happen to you and you can always walk away from the situation. If the whole check thing went wrong, I wouldn't be able to get away from that. I'd be spending several years in prison. So, I guess I came to a realization that if I could handle that kind of pressure, I could handle a presentation. So, that's my experience with it...and for you, I suggest trying to deal with your social anxiety first before you try to lead an independent life because I know how much it can stand in the way of that.
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