I don't know where to start. I'll try to be very basic. For starters, I am primarily feeling suicidal due to my incompatibility with others. I struggle to have simple communications and especially any kind of relationship with anyone. This includes my immediate family. I used to have a very close relationship with my mother, but within the past decade we have become enemies. It's mainly because she has went from this complete saint to an evil person, who I don't even know. She had went from never telling a lie, no matter how awkward or how "dangerous" the truth may be, to being a chronic liar. She will now even lie when it is not necessary. She was a bit clumsy before, but now she is completely irresponsible on a voluntary level. Overall, the mother that I once knew is gone. My mom is still alive, but she's not really here anymore. What little relationships that I've had, they have crashed and burned. I don't feel that any relationship is genuine. I don't feel that anyone has taken the time to learn anything about me. I've stuck my neck out for complete strangers, yet nobody has really stuck up for me. It's a really terrible feeling when you need help, but nobody has your back in certain dire situations. I feel that I am in the background, forgotten and not respected as everyone else. I felt sad at first, when nobody would really remember my favorite anything, but now it's to the point where I'm just pissed off. These people have known me for a long time, but they still don't bother to take a mental note of who I am. I really have no clue as to why me, other than I just have terrible luck in life. I realized today that I may not be a typical case of wanting to die. I really don't want to die or kill myself as the main point. I know this doesn't make sense, but what I really want is the ability to kill myself to show people how much I'm hurting. Then, once I'm dead and everyone is grieving, I want to come back alive to reunite with them but this time with true love and respect that never ends. It's like I feel so desperate in reaching out to people that I'm willing to take my own life, and that's the only thing that may get their attention. I have had a very unusual life. My childhood was very screwed up. My dad was never around and I never got to know him. My step dad never seemed that interested in me at all. To this day, I feel awkward talking to him as if he's a complete stranger. Anxiety has crippled my life's development. I was a hermit for a solid 7 years. I know this is the internet and you're probably doubting that as a fact, but I literally have stayed exclusively on my own property for 7 years. I can't just go out in the world like most people can. I missed a lot of school when I was young due to an uncontrollable fear, nearly to the point of going to kid jail and being sent away to foster parents. The only thing that probably saved me from that, was the fact that my step dad was in with the judicial system. The best I can explain it, is that school was very traumatic for me. It was like having stage fright every moment that I wasn't at home. As my fear grew, my grades slipped. I found myself just filling in the blanks because I just wanted to go home immediately. I had zero interest in learning, and my poor mental health even delayed the genuine love of education from me at a young age. I was actually convinced that education was my enemy, when all along it was just the hostile environment in which it was presented to me. I wasn't bitten by the learning bug until my late 20's. Instead of getting help or the teachers being interested in why I missed so much school, they immediately assumed I was just lazy or was being delinquent. My grades were fine for someone who didn't show up to classes half of the time, and they were still beyond passing. However, the school took my absence personal and would not allow me to graduate without taking additional classes on top of the ones that I obviously couldn't handle. I got angry and finally dropped out. To this day, I am yet to have a real job which is the first step in starting a normal, independent life. I was watching something today about soldiers of war, going back home and not being able to go back to their civilian lives. I realized that's how I am in a way. It's as if I'm stuck in high school like some ghost, and I just don't know how to move on. Even though war and school was a terrible place for us, we are still drawn to it almost like a captors relationship with it's kidnapper. I never really had a life because I was too worried about being judged or things just going wrong. I was, and I still am, this very neurotic person that seems to be constantly stuck in flight mode. I'm hyperventilating while everyone else is coasting through the progression of life. I don't know who I am and I'm sure I'll die before I get to know myself. What I really need is a group of people. I've not really had a true friend or anyone to depend on. I crave a team or a brotherhood of some sorts. The best thing about school was the sports and group competition. I'm here on this site because one-on-one isn't enough for me. Calling the suicide hotline will do absolutely nothing for me. I have tried talking to single individuals in the past, but it does't seem like they understand anything. To be honest, I think that most people start to tune you out after a while and don't really listen. Talking often times makes things worse, because with one person it feels so temporary; it's like today you are the star of the show, but tomorrow you're forgotten again. I guess I've never felt like I've had a family, and I'd do anything for one right now. I'm tired of struggling alone, and I'm not talking the typical "I have no significant other" type of loneliness. This is a much darker and deeper kind of loneliness of nobody out there being even close to being like me. Nobody even notices me as if I'm some wandering ghost in the background of their lives. I genuinely feel like I'm the last of my species, which is the kind of terrible loneliness that I'm dealing with lately. The worst part is, I'm a funny and average looking guy at the very least. I've always been nice and respectful to others, despite my history with people. I don't understand how it all went wrong. Sure I've had "friends" in the past, but the type of friends that end up stealing from you or using you exclusively for their own gain. There are times when it feels like the error is on my end, and at times it feels like it's everyone else who is screwed up instead. Thanks for reading.