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Why I Want to Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Veridia, Nov 9, 2015.

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  1. Veridia

    Veridia New Member

    The list is incredibly long. I'm a long term chronic disabled, grocery list of conditions. It has left me mostly housebound for about twenty years. Ironically, I'm the last one left alive. All local family dead, dead friends, dead pets. Everyone is gone. And just when I didn't think it could get worse, it got far, far worse.

    I fell badly and my shoulder bones were so destroyed they had to do a partial shoulder replacement. And I have complications from it partly due to my health issues and probably partly due to crappy hospital care and where I was for awhile because I couldn't go home alone in that condition.

    I was in a nursing home rehab place for three weeks after the surgery. It was a level of hell I never want to see again. You haven't experienced hell until you've been in a bad one of those. I saw and heard things so bad, I spent the full three weeks crying my eyes out. It was a filthy place where they didn't disinfect anything. The toilets only half worked. There were alot of elderly with dementia having accidents all over because there wasn't enough staff to take them to the bathroom. People screaming in pain all night because they either weren't given their pain meds or the staff were literally hurting them. Picture every horror movie with an asylum, except this was real. At least I was allowed to leave.

    I wasn't told how much pain I'd be in after the surgery or how I wouldn't have use of my arm again without many months of physical therapy. All the severe muscle cramping, plus I still have complications. And I've tested positive for a really bad resistant bacteria, it's not MERSA. It's a VERSA, which is just as dangerous. I don't know if I got it from the hospital or the filthy nursing home. And they haven't found an antibiotic I can take yet since they all make me sick.

    My arm and shoulder are stiffening up because the home agency messed around with sending a therapist for two weeks. And I was only shown very little in the way of what's safe to do with my arm. I can't do much of anything with it. The pain alone gets so bad that it's more than I can bear. The meds aren't enough. They want to put me in out patient therapy for my arm, completely ignoring the fact I'm mostly housebound for real medical reasons. I don't know if I can keep doing any of this. And now that I saw where I could end up as I get older, I want out.

    It's better to be dead than ever end up in one of those places. I have no one, all my reasons to stay died. And if that's my future, I don't want to stay. And right now, I'm so much worse without use of this arm, constantly in pain. And they are trying to stick me with some bills and I can't handle it anymore.

    I just want it all to stop. Everything. I've had enough.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I understand that you are hurting but life is important. I appreciate that you are suffering with medical problems. You have to remain strong. Like you I suffer everyday and like you I suffer from chronic health problems but I want live life. So please keep posting here as we can help you. The posting of your feelings helps you to get through each day. PM me direct and I will help you as much as I can.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum, you sure are going through a lot. I know what it is like to be housebound, I was housebound for 5 years due to severe anxiety and it was a very horrible dark time in my life. That nursing home should be looked into, I bet it doesn't meet the standards it's supposed to. I hope you can get the physical issues sorted and healed with time. You have come to a good place by joining here. I wish you al the best. Good luck.
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