why I want to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Aug 10, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I've been told I need to talk about the abuse....where do I start. - I wasn't sure if this is the right place..I do feel death is near (and I apologise for having these feelings, I am doing something about it, I am getting help so please don't shout at me)

    I don't want sympathy...please don't think I do, its happened and I need to move on, but I can't move on when it lives with me everyday, please don't tell me to snap out of it and forget it...it messed up my head,I've lost many years to it..if u think u can snap out of it u don't understand so please respect my wishes and stop reading now.


    ****may trigger*****

    I was se*ually ab*sed by my father from the age of 3 - he used to hit my mother, and siblings but never me..Mum and him split when he nearly killed her whilst we were ordered to watch.

    Mum was emotionally, and sometimes would hit me..she still plays mind games but she's my mum and I love her to bits.

    My older brother from when I was about 7, would hit me, bang my head against the wall, pull me down the stairs of a town house..the last time he hit me was Janaury this year and I've not spoken to him since (although he sent me a text yesterday).

    My father re-married when I was 6, he's step son who was 12 for about 3 weeks was touching me, and had se*.

    When I was 8 ~ although I only have one memory..my mothers boyfriend had se* with me, I was ill with hep.

    when I was 9 I was ra*ed.

    From 10 - 15 I was se*ually ab*se by a friend of the family.

    When I was 18, I was a*** ra*ed.

    When I was 21, I was attacked my 3 men.

    at 26 I was ra*ed.
    In Sept last yr I was attacked by a man.
    In january this yrs whilst staying in a hotel working away, 5 men dragged me into the lift and started doing things, it was stopped as they went to they room with me by the security guard person.

    now your think I'm lying, now ur blame me, ur see me for what i am, a slag. A slag that wants to die so that it doesn't happen again. Ur all hate me now. U don't have to blame me cause I blame myself, u can't hurt me no more then I hurt myself.

    Living with this life is the reason I want to die, the reason I want to end my life. The reason why everyday of my life I wonder why I am still living when inside has died.

    Sorry if you find this offensive.

    Lost xx
     
  2. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Its not offensive hun its tragic :sad:i am so sorry you feel that every man thats approaches you is going to a....se you, but thats not the case some out there will respect you its finding one if infact you even want to.
    I can see why ur are struggling and i think you are very brave to share that with us i want you to keep safe in the knowledge that SF friends will understand and perhaps have been there themselves please hang in there hun talk to u very soon:hug::hug::grouphug:
     
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    For my mum ~ when she reads this I will have passed away.

    Mum, u know I love you and respect you, ur the one I look up to, the one I cry for. I never meant to hurt you.

    I can only imagine ur pain, when ever u see me , you see the consent reminders of nan, reminders of father, those who hurt you, those who caused u pain, those who took ur rights away, ur in dependency away.

    I know it hurts you when u speak to me, I guess that's why when u speak to me, and I remind you of nan or father u react the way u do, possibly even the reasons why you lean on me like you do, cause u see so much of them in me, but because I don't frighten you like they did, u can respond to me how you wanted to, to them. That's fine with me mum, I don't mind you hurting me, if it helps you to feel power over them I really don't. But I can see that over the years, the pain you feel hasn't eased, it hasn't helped you, and it sure hasn't helped me with our relationship being the way it is.

    I respect and understand that you won't ever be able to look at me, love me the way you do the others. That in ur eyes I will always be nan/father combined. I don't know how to say sorry for all the years of pain I've caused you, I hate me for it, I hate the way I look for the pain it causes you, I hate the way I react for the pain it causes you, I hate it, I hate every ounce of me.

    I just wished everyday that you could off stopped blaming me, that you would of listened to me and but you couldn't listen to me, I guess because of the reminders, so its time we say our goodbyes, I couldn't take anymore Mum, and I knew you couldn't either. This is killing me right now to write this, tears in my eyes I'm just so sorry and hope one day you find it in your heart to forgive me, the thought of saying goodbye to someone is hard enough, but saying goodbye to u mum is even harder, I stopped living cause I couldn't take the pain anymore.

    I love you with every inch of my life, my heart but the pain we cause each other has to end, I'm sorry mum that we could never have the relationship you have with the others, and i'm sorry. Please always remember that I love you. I'm sorry. :cry:

    much love always xxxx
     
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to everyone who has supported me, I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart I thank you. I'm feeling very down, lost and confused, the pain in my heart is to big right now. I miss my mum so much, she's alive and well but doesn't care or love me, it hurts too much right now. The news showed a young girl who was murdered 4yrs old and murdered by her mum, it hurts. mum's are meant to love, care and protect. NOTHING. I have no reason to live, my reason for living was my mum, my family, but without love or care there is nothing. I miss my baby, I want to be with her and hold her in my arms, my angel I miss her. I'm sorry so sorry.
     
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