Why I want to die.

[DarkFuture]

I am 24 years old. I have been jobless for 2 years. This happened due to, I DIDN'T TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY.

2 years ago, I rejected a good job offer, while I was studying. I thought I have other plans. Then I wanted to study abroad, but it was too costly. Then I got an offer from Dubai. I thought I have been saved. When I went there, the. company was fraud, I came back wasting a large amount of money.

Now, its been 2years. I have a younger brother. My parents aren't that rich now.

I think now that I am just a money wasting machine. If I live further, I don't think I could earn enough money to make a living. Then I have to marry also. All the expenses will have to be beared by my parents and they will. But I really think I am a load. If I end it now, it will atleast release them from thinking WHAT WOULD BE MY FUTURE.

The only thing which prevents me is that HOW MUCH I WILL HURT MY PARENTS AFTER COMMITTING SUICIDE. But I think my brother. will give them support.

 

[windlepoons]

You are not a money wasting machine. You obviously have qualifications and you will be able to get a job and make money.

 

[Stranger1]

What makes you think your brother would step up... What if he follows your footsteps..You took the easy way out whats stopping him..I'm not trying to b harsh but I have heard it happening too many times..You would devastate your parents also..Suicide is not easily forgotten..It's past down the lines of the family sometimes..Go back to school and finish your degree..You will find a job..

 

[peacelovingguy]

I'm jobless - aged 47 - but am doing a degree because I never really had any further education - so I fancy getting a degree to hang on my wall.

I'm not worried about work - I'll survive. Well I'll actually live a little - surviving alone - well - we need some fun in life. Sometimes it costs - but I'd sooner walk on a beach in England than some tropical paradise which in fact turns out to be a glorified slum - complete with fake smiles. Cash for the illusion of friendship.

As for marriage - its the brides fathers task to pay for the wedding - but sure - you'd be expected to work - but just avoid women with expensive tastes - like, will she accept a pizza or cry because your not eating in some Michelin restaurant? Does she complain about public transport?

If your sitting there thinking about robbing a bank just to date her - don't do it bro! Many a man is sitting in a cell wishing he had been honest.

Finish your education - your young - you got tons of time to sort things out.

I never took education seriously - for like - a long time!

I've lived off the charity of others - but never thought of killing myself for the bullshit reason of money - ever!

I mean - people have all manner of reasons to want to die - but - truth is - rich people want to die also.

Hey - I feel your pain - a man wants to be able to take care of himself - and whoever he cares for - be it your family or the one you make yourself.

But - I had good jobs and earned lots of money - thing was I had no time! Well - I could donate money - but really- better for me to donate some time - because I think I'm worth more than all the cash in the world.

If it come to it - when you have your kids one day - tell me - will you not bail them out a little? Hell - that's what parents do - but your a good son - you are a late starter (like me - but - lol - earlier!) and will get yourself a degree or whatever it is you want.

Maybe you'll form a band - leave marriage till later in life.

To be honest - marriage can be fantastic - but the 'for better or worse' part will be tested!

Random lyrics...

"I married myself
we're very happy together"

"The moon and the sky looked battered and mangled
the bells in the chapel went jingle jangle,
jingle jangle,
jingle jangle,
jingle jangle
Do you love me?"

"The women I loved
took to my best friend
some joker got lucky
stole her back again
you better come on in my kitchen
cos its bound to be raining outdoors" (1920s)

"Well I changed the sheets on my bed
ran a comb through my head
pulled in my gut
but still she said
that she did not want to"

"I'm a man
I spell him
H - I and M
a natural born man!
Man!
I'm a Rolling Stone." Muddy Waters 1950s

I do love my music!

And it will never leave me - if I am broke it is here - if I have a hand full of bills - wads in my pockets - it treats me the same.

I know men who actually gave in to some women who cried the blues about guitars and bleating about it not earning money and being like an unrealistic dream!

My mate got moved up into the loft with his musical equipment - so he lives up there and she has her mates all yapping away watching the TV (at the same time!) - well he is lucky! At leas he was 'allowed' - but if you fall deep in love you might throw out your dreams - then get divorced and realise you got no woman - which is not a great feeling - but you got no guitar - which is really bad indeed!

So - if you do play guitar - confess that to your women - as well as the fact you feel like dying sometimes. If she acts moody on either one - I'd not order dessert - but would of course escort her home - quick peck on the cheek - and thank God for your good fortune and foresight.

Worse thing is - imagine you ended up with a women who gets the kids the sad game console guitar things!

I think you'd be a broken man at that point.

I could see myself weeping in the garden shed - looking into the mirror and saying "you bought this on yourself - you handed your dreams over to someone else and listened to reckless advice."

So - EVEN if you are in debt up to your eyeballs - even if you got no woman or cannot afford a date - get your priorities right!

I got a nice Fender Strat - that baby - its a special guitar - but my old acoustic - which my bro smashed back in the 80s after I pickpocketed him - lol - sounds bad - er, I was bad. For a while. But I'm alright now.

My guitar has outlasted all women. Its soothed my troubled soul at such times it needed to soothed.

I always know its over when the old blues song comes ...

Woke up this morning
wished I dead

The cheerful refrain of many a man and women.

And women who play the guitar - do not let some miserable joyless dipstick try to tell you not to pursue that passion.

A guitar is for life!

Makes me sad to think that people out there - might have a National Steel Guitar - actual steel guitars - made in the 1910s- 20s. People might have one of those in a loft - neglected - and all the time it really belongs to me - yet fate cruelly denied it to me - left me a hostage to fortune and fortune can be a cruel mistress with a whip in one hand and - lets not consider what might in the other.

I will get one of those guitars one day.

I have actually held a real one - touched it - lovingly so - and could not play it - told the owner I felt like I'd be sleeping with his wife - he laughed and said "The milkman has that covered" - well he never really - but it would have been jolly decent had he the wit to throw that one in.

You Americans out there - you ever see one of those babies - or hear of one - lot of fakes and later models - or if your granddad dies with one in his arms - well - God Rest his soul - but, ahem, what's happening with the guitar? (sorry for the dark humour - but sure - granddad would laugh also - mine would - he's dead also - well I hope so - we buried him!)

Hope this amuses some - sorry if you think it self indulgent but I feel the blues - so thought of better stuff to unload.

Regards.

Below - icons puzzle me - what emoticon is that one emanating - below! ? lol


:reub:

 

[DarkFuture]

That was assuring. But why isn't there something which feels real. I mean words may work great upto some level, when you feel that you just need some push.

But what about the time, when you doubt whole existence? When you find happiness is just an illusion. Everybody is pretending to live. When you think these things, then words fail.

I wish there be some shop, where you go and get a proof that by doing so and so your life will be as you want it to be.

 

[nolonger]

When you've gotten to the stage where happiness is an illusion, it can be hard to go back. In the end, happiness is simply ignorance. It's a feeling that everything's all great blah blah. Life simply is. It's not great. It's not bad. It just is.

have u ever tried therapy of some kind? i did some cbt but to be honest it was a load of bullcrap because i cant just tell someone why i feel a certain way.

 

[DarkFuture]

No, I haven't tried any therapy. I was on some medication a year ago, but then I felt no difference. I think the real difference could be made by only chemical changes in brain, you know those hormones shouldn't get produced in the first stage. Everything else fails for me. I have got a real stubborn brain.

How did you got out of this pit?

 

[nolonger]

I'm on some medication at the moment. But I don't know if it's working anymore. It's kinda hard to tell most of the time.

I wouldn't say I've gotten out of this pit. I don't really plan on doing so. I have about a year or so till school finishes and then I'll see what I'll do from there. Chances are, I'll end up going crazy on booze to forget everything, my smoking will skyrocket and I might try to drag a plan together. I too have a stubborn brain, but when you've been this way for so long it becomes a part of you. I was too far gone by the time anyone could help me.

Maybe try some therapy if you want. But if talking about ur feelings doesn't work, it wouldn't work either.

 

[Stranger1]

If you say your meds aren't working go back to your doctor.. It took six years for them to find the right combination of meds to help me..We just made a change in one of them.. My mood stabilizer..It was too early for me to trll her if it was working or not..So I see her again in three months..So try some different medes.. Just be aware that some of them cause weight gain..