Why I want to die...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dust2Dust, Dec 19, 2011.

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  1. Dust2Dust

    Dust2Dust Account Closed

    ...or maybe that isn’t quite accurate. It is not that I want to die, it is that I do not want to live. The reasons for this, in a vain attempt at self preservation, I will try to illustrate.

    I have never been like others. In the words of Mr. Poe:

    From childhood's hour I have not been
    As others were; I have not seen
    As others saw; I could not bring
    My passions from a common spring.
    From the same source I have not taken
    My sorrow; I could not awaken
    My heart to joy at the same tone;

    This is a common sentiment, from my experience, with most people. But even more acutely among the depressed. This dominating sense of isolation, and alienism or alienation. But this is just an observation, and I can only speak accurately of my “self”.

    This sense of alienation has, in no small part, contributed greatly to my disquieted nature. But, in itself not a cause. Suffice it to say, I have lived experiences that have lead to to the birthing of my death. These experiences are constants in my life. The wraiths of memory that pluck at my psyche like the needle at flesh. My father used to say, “Don't let IT (being what ever it was at any given moment) get to you. You wont remember it in five years.” He was very wrong.

    And though it is true that, due to some of these experiences, my memory is, to one degree or another, damaged, there is more than the wraith of experience in any memory. There is sensation. It was these sensations that lead me self destruction. Or maybe that term is to strong, at least at current. Most accurately is the desire for self nullification.

    Though depression is no stranger to me, as I spent a great period of my pre-teen and teen life under its effect, this feeling is that I am currently taken by is different, though related. It is apathy. Pure nihilistic discordian apathy.

    I cannot bring myself to actually care. About anything. I used to love to write. Found passion in drawing, and reading and learning. These things though are meaningless to me now. They have no intrinsic value above self gratification, or more crudely if not accurately stated, ego masturbation.

    The lack of value extends not only to what used to be passion for me, but also to life. Life itself is valueless. My life, your life, the life of the victims of some new terrible natural disaster or war. We are all just dust. Dust in the maelstrom of a unruly violent infinite blind blabbering idiot god-thing.

    It is this lack of intrinsic value that is the powder to the flint of the monster inside.

    There are rare times when, though admittedly more frequently as time passes, true caring does arouse. But it is not the “care” that most would think of. It is not the desire to see the well being of others, but instead to see my own self-loathing, nihilistic, nigh murderous nature manifested on what ever poor entity that has aroused it. I have hurt in the past. And now, at my very core, I wish to show others what pain is.

    Though, don't mistake me. My more rational mind realizes that others have already hurt more than I could even conceive. And my rational mind knows that I have no deeper understanding of pain or strife or anger or malice than any other. But this does not stop the Demon from wishing others to hurt. To some degree he is aroused by it, in the purest of physical sense.

    But the Demon is not the only thing which resides in my “self”. As spoken of earlier there is the apathetic entity, the Apathos. Both the Demon and Apathos are in direct opposition to Hope. Hope abhors, pities, and is ashamed by them. And, despite her best attempts to hold back the Demon and Apathos, she is tiring. And so am I.

    I realize, as I have for a very long time, that these feelings are not healthy. And that the desire of self nullification is equally unhealthy. It was this knowledge that gave Hope a rope to pull herself from the Charybdis that is “my” mind. I realized, after years of denial, that if I do not find away to express what is inside, to an audience that might understand to one degree or another their will be very damaging consequences.

    I thank you for sticking with my half mad blathering thus far. I hope that it, to at least some degree, is understandable. I'm not quite sure what I am expecting this to lead to. I just know I have to say it, even though my tendency for self-isolation is screaming for me not to post this.

  2. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Wow, I'm sure you've heard this before, but you write beautifully. You express so many of the same kinds of thoughts that I've not understood well enough to verbalize. I'm so glad you resisted the impulse to self-isolate because reading your post has impacted me.

    I love your observation about apathy and repressed hurt/anger are in opposition with hope, especially since I consider hope to be a lifeline to avoiding suicide.

    I am also impressed with how you are so self-aware. It is difficult for me to understand my own anger issues at all.

    I know I'm not saying anything useful, I'm in the same boat as you. I do hope to impart to you the fact that your existance has positively effected me despite the pain you are in, so selfishly speaking, I'm glad you are still alive. It is very difficult to meet someone who explains what I'm feeling like you have for me.

    Thank you so much for sharing.
  3. Dust2Dust

    Dust2Dust Account Closed

    Thank you Belladonna, and I'm glad to have been of some service to you.

    My instincts of self isolation are very strong, and it took alot out of me to write what I did... internal battles always wind me the most. My "self" awareness though, whether a positive or negative, has come from no small degree of meditation on these battles, and a great deal of time spent in isolation. And, as mentioned above, this has, ironicly, contributed to all the negative aspects of my "self". Duel edged blades cut the deepest. Though Hope has been my shield agaisnt some of the fiercest blows. But the shield maiden tires. She looks outward, upon the wreckage of the modern world, and knows that she cannot stand alone agaisnt so many raiders. She worries her ward will one day fall prey to their ways.

    I'm getting overly metaphorical again... I do suggest to spend time contemplateing and trying to identify why you are the way you are, though this suggestion comes with a warning: Do NOT get lost in your own head. And learn to identify when your thoughts are "spiraling".

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