Why I'd like to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CTDb.S, Jan 26, 2009.

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  1. CTDb.S

    CTDb.S New Member

    I don't have any real friends. I'm not close with what little family I have. Nobody that I know, none of my acquaintances actually know who I am, know that I'm unhappy. I thus don't have anyone I can talk to about my real self, and I can't afford a therapist. So, I'm writing my story here, anonymously on the Internet, in hopes that at least one other person somewhere will actually know who I am.

    I was an only child. I was never really successful as a kid, I didn't have many friends, I got into a lot of trouble and did poorly at school. I remember my parents expressing their disapproval with me frequently. They divorced when I was nine and my mom was out of my life by the time I turned eighteen. I'm currently living alone.

    I've had (known) emotional problems for at least six years now (I'm 22). I've had one failed (clearly) suicide attempt. The general consensus amongst doctors and therapists to which I have spoke is that I'm bipolar and/or just plainly suffering from depression. I personally think I may have avoidant personality disorder, but I'm not a doctor.

    I'm in college now, and I've been doing very well, maintaining a 4.0 up until now. As previously stated, I don't have any real friends. I have what you might call "casual friends" with whom I socialize, but none of them really know who I am. I don't open up to people well. I have an unshakable feeling that I'm inferior and that I'd be rejected by anyone who got to know the real me. The people that I hang out with, we talk about what's going on at school and the lighter elements of what's happening in our lives, but no real feelings are exchanged. I couldn't say what I'm typing now to anybody that I know.

    One of these acquaintances is a girl who I've an unhealthy obsession with. I'd say I was in love if I believed in the concept. I've never really been bothered by how alone I am up until I met her, hence my ability to concentrate on and do well in school.

    Now, all I can think about is this girl. She's absolutely gorgeous. She's smart, healthy (no drugs, etc.) and knows what she's doing in life. She makes me smile and she makes me laugh. When I'm around here I genuinely feel good, happy to be alive. She's like a drug.

    The one thing I want more than I want to die is to spend my time with this girl, but it can never happen. And now that I know what I'm missing out on, what it's like to actually be happy and to enjoy somebody else's company, I've lost all my motivation regarding school, my health and my life. I don't care about anything anymore, I can't concentrate or feel content because she's all I can think about and she doesn't even care about me.

    I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi . :hug: glad you came here. : ) many of us here, understand pain, unrealized expectations, loss, rejection, the list goes on.

    you sound like such a wonderful person. obviously you are smart. . .bigtime.

    all i can say is - this is a good place to come. i am alive NOW because of coming here. this is a positive step. and you can always unload here - because here we are always in the same boat.

    i am much older than you (let's see, try your parents age?) 45, a mom, 16 and 11 yr old girls. . they are wonderful.
    BUT i am an only child too. i grew up w/nice parents - but - at the same time i know i never measured up, in their eyes.

    you can pm me anytime . there are many people here, some that are close to your age - i am a dinosaur in this forum :) but you know, i can give you an ear any time. and support . . and a mom hug
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2009
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey CTB,
    Welcome to the forum!! It sounds like to me you need to learn to love yourself first. You were denied that as a child and have carried it into your adult life. You need to take time and heal yourself first.
    I would advise you to seek out a therapist. They can help you learn who you are and to help you learn to have a higher quality of life. Once you get rid of all that negative thinking then ppl will gravitate your way. It's all in how you present your self.
    Why not be friends with this girl to start and see where it leads from there. Even if it doesn't work out between you then you will still have a friend. I wish you luck!!~Joseph~
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome and so glad you found us...at your University, is there support services? Most universities have counselors to deal with all the issues that schooling influences...next, it takes skills to be intimate with ppl, and a lot of bravery...if you feel the relationship you have with that person is not healthy, it is important to find out what need it is satisfying so you can get those things for yourself...hang in there and keep working on your social skills and you will improve...also it would be great if you found company here, ppl who do understand what you are going through, best of luck and welcome again, J
  5. CTDb.S

    CTDb.S New Member

    Thanks very much for the kind responses everyone; I'm glad I came here too.
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