I don't have any real friends. I'm not close with what little family I have. Nobody that I know, none of my acquaintances actually know who I am, know that I'm unhappy. I thus don't have anyone I can talk to about my real self, and I can't afford a therapist. So, I'm writing my story here, anonymously on the Internet, in hopes that at least one other person somewhere will actually know who I am. I was an only child. I was never really successful as a kid, I didn't have many friends, I got into a lot of trouble and did poorly at school. I remember my parents expressing their disapproval with me frequently. They divorced when I was nine and my mom was out of my life by the time I turned eighteen. I'm currently living alone. I've had (known) emotional problems for at least six years now (I'm 22). I've had one failed (clearly) suicide attempt. The general consensus amongst doctors and therapists to which I have spoke is that I'm bipolar and/or just plainly suffering from depression. I personally think I may have avoidant personality disorder, but I'm not a doctor. I'm in college now, and I've been doing very well, maintaining a 4.0 up until now. As previously stated, I don't have any real friends. I have what you might call "casual friends" with whom I socialize, but none of them really know who I am. I don't open up to people well. I have an unshakable feeling that I'm inferior and that I'd be rejected by anyone who got to know the real me. The people that I hang out with, we talk about what's going on at school and the lighter elements of what's happening in our lives, but no real feelings are exchanged. I couldn't say what I'm typing now to anybody that I know. One of these acquaintances is a girl who I've an unhealthy obsession with. I'd say I was in love if I believed in the concept. I've never really been bothered by how alone I am up until I met her, hence my ability to concentrate on and do well in school. Now, all I can think about is this girl. She's absolutely gorgeous. She's smart, healthy (no drugs, etc.) and knows what she's doing in life. She makes me smile and she makes me laugh. When I'm around here I genuinely feel good, happy to be alive. She's like a drug. The one thing I want more than I want to die is to spend my time with this girl, but it can never happen. And now that I know what I'm missing out on, what it's like to actually be happy and to enjoy somebody else's company, I've lost all my motivation regarding school, my health and my life. I don't care about anything anymore, I can't concentrate or feel content because she's all I can think about and she doesn't even care about me. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.