Why Im blowing my brains out at the end of this month...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pantsfish, Jun 10, 2007.

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  1. pantsfish

    pantsfish New Member

    Hi, long time lurker, first time poster here.

    For me, suicides not an "if" question, but more of a "when" question. I've always known I wanted to die, I've known it for the past 9 years. I actually did try to hang myself once from a second floor balcony with a rope, but being 16 stone at the time, the rope snapped and I ended up smashing into the roof of some guys car.

    Things just lately have been taking a turn for the worse (Dont they always?). After graduating from university at the head of my class last year, I should have had the world at my feet. Instead Im shovelling horse manure for a living, 11 hours a day and earning minimum wage. No one at work respects me, I get assaulted and abused all the time, called a thick c*nt, a fat b*stard, an ugly f*cker and so on. Imagine that off everyone you worked with for a year.

    I can't get a girlfriend. This is because I am monsterously ugly. Go onto plentyoffish.com and look up this username to see how bad I am. I have no confidence, mainly because I had it all battered out of me during secondary school. My attempts to meet women usually end up with me getting laughed at or spat at. People tell me to "go out and meet people" which I did, and it didnt work. I tried internet dating, didnt work. The one girl I did meet last year, I got engaged to, until she got pregnant to someone else and told me to put up with it.

    Another reason I don't go out is because I have no friends. There is something about me which is fundamentally unlikable. Anyone who spends a deal of time with me either ends up hating me or dead.

    The friends I did have, one committed suicide 3 years ago by hanging herself from a tree in her garden. Another died in a car crash, the third slashed his wrists a few weeks ago and pretty much bled to death in my arms.

    And then of course theres my family. My mother resents the fact I have to see a therapist and goes round screaming that Im a mental Patient and that I should be sectioned. My dad tells me to get a grip. My extended family consists of alcoholics and people with the IQ of hanging beef.

    Religion wise, I turned my back on Christianity 6 months ago. The Christian God, to me, is nothing more than an evil egomaniac who sh*ts all over his creation on a regular basis. I do believe in an omnipotent being, I just think he's a bit of a prick.

    Its not that i want to commit suicide exactly, its just that i can't think of a single reason not to. I just dont care about anything. I can't bring myself to get excited about anything. On the rare occasions I do feel something, its usually me feeling hate towards everyone and everything I come into contact with. I buy DVDs to try and distract myself (last count, I had about 400) and theres nothing I'd love more than just to meet someone to watch them with, but thats not going to happen.

    So basically thats the reason i've decided that, if by the end of the month, things havnt changed for the better, <mod edit: bunny - too graphic> Im kind of resigned to it, because I know that rotting in the ground would honestly be better than the life I am forced to live now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2007
  2. corral

    corral Guest

    hi i just wanted to stop by for a second and tell you that you are no way ugly.
    i understand why you are feeling like this, cause to me also having a partner is the most important, so you just need to find that right girl and sounds like everything else in your life is ok enough.
    so i wish you to find someone true special.
    if you want to chat you can pm me anytime
  3. pantsfish

    pantsfish New Member

    Quick update. THe one girl I did have a half chance with has now texted me to tell me Im a f*cking retard and shouldnt be allowed in public. She's now gone back to her old boyfriend.

    So thats it, im literally out of reasons to stay alive. :laugh:
  4. jamesbond

    jamesbond Well-Known Member

    i can relate to everything you feel and go through.
  5. corral

    corral Guest

    some people are too cruel and they are the ones who are retards
  6. Azul

    Azul Well-Known Member

    Your life seems quite bad, man. Maybe you can try to turn your dissatisfaction into some artistic creation?
  7. Zodi

    Zodi Anitiquities Friend

    What a bitch and a coward she is. People like that just reaffirm to me that the majority of the human race are worthless pieces of scum.

    I looked at your pic and you are NOT ugly.
  8. givenuponlife

    givenuponlife Well-Known Member

    i just looked at your profile on plentyoffish and you are not ugly at all. You are actually quite handsome. I am surprised girls are not msging you more often. I have just added you as a favorite if you would like to chat some more.

    So i hope to hear from you soon so please stick around.....there is always someone that is waiting around the corner to meet you. Sometimes you just have to go around a few more corners. But believe me the person you are to spend the rest of your life with will show up, just give it some time.
  9. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    That's very low of someone to say something like that,hopefully Karma comes back to haunt them.I know what people say can really hurt and it's not easy just forgetting about what they say.
  10. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    i dont know if this will help any, but hearing your story helped me in a way. i have the opposite problem of you lookswise. im always told im beautiful and everyone sees me at face value so they think they can just take what they want. i end up either abused, called a 'tease' or whore. i feel like beauty is a curse on my life and i wish i could be ugly sometimes, that my life would be better if i was invisible. seeing how upset you are being "ugly" (tho i looked at your picture and DEF disagree) makes me see again that i cant change the way i look so either i change the way i feel or ill die. i hope that helps, we always think the grass is greener but i guess we contrast against each other. the thing we do have in common is how our parents feel about our mental/emotional problems and are psychological problems from friends death, as well as abuse. So it seems that no matter how you look, most of what makes us both sad is an extention of us and not the way we look.

    hope it helps
    hang in there/pm me if you need to

  11. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hun I am sorry people have treated you the way they have and you feel so bad about yourself. I also looked at your picture and you are not even close to ugly. (i'm ugly www.myspace.com/painnsiolence) But I don't go by outer looks I don't beleive it's right, it should matter who the person is inside, our outside apearances should have really not much to do with things, it's just like what we live in not who we really are. I hope you don't hurt yourself hun. If you'd ever like to talk please know you're welcome to message me. I truely hope you hang in there hun. :( :hug:
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