Hi, long time lurker, first time poster here. For me, suicides not an "if" question, but more of a "when" question. I've always known I wanted to die, I've known it for the past 9 years. I actually did try to hang myself once from a second floor balcony with a rope, but being 16 stone at the time, the rope snapped and I ended up smashing into the roof of some guys car. Things just lately have been taking a turn for the worse (Dont they always?). After graduating from university at the head of my class last year, I should have had the world at my feet. Instead Im shovelling horse manure for a living, 11 hours a day and earning minimum wage. No one at work respects me, I get assaulted and abused all the time, called a thick c*nt, a fat b*stard, an ugly f*cker and so on. Imagine that off everyone you worked with for a year. I can't get a girlfriend. This is because I am monsterously ugly. Go onto plentyoffish.com and look up this username to see how bad I am. I have no confidence, mainly because I had it all battered out of me during secondary school. My attempts to meet women usually end up with me getting laughed at or spat at. People tell me to "go out and meet people" which I did, and it didnt work. I tried internet dating, didnt work. The one girl I did meet last year, I got engaged to, until she got pregnant to someone else and told me to put up with it. Another reason I don't go out is because I have no friends. There is something about me which is fundamentally unlikable. Anyone who spends a deal of time with me either ends up hating me or dead. The friends I did have, one committed suicide 3 years ago by hanging herself from a tree in her garden. Another died in a car crash, the third slashed his wrists a few weeks ago and pretty much bled to death in my arms. And then of course theres my family. My mother resents the fact I have to see a therapist and goes round screaming that Im a mental Patient and that I should be sectioned. My dad tells me to get a grip. My extended family consists of alcoholics and people with the IQ of hanging beef. Religion wise, I turned my back on Christianity 6 months ago. The Christian God, to me, is nothing more than an evil egomaniac who sh*ts all over his creation on a regular basis. I do believe in an omnipotent being, I just think he's a bit of a prick. Its not that i want to commit suicide exactly, its just that i can't think of a single reason not to. I just dont care about anything. I can't bring myself to get excited about anything. On the rare occasions I do feel something, its usually me feeling hate towards everyone and everything I come into contact with. I buy DVDs to try and distract myself (last count, I had about 400) and theres nothing I'd love more than just to meet someone to watch them with, but thats not going to happen. So basically thats the reason i've decided that, if by the end of the month, things havnt changed for the better, <mod edit: bunny - too graphic> Im kind of resigned to it, because I know that rotting in the ground would honestly be better than the life I am forced to live now.