Does anyone actually read all of these? TL;DR - I'm going to kill myself. Long version - I have been struggling with demons in my head for a long time, and I have now decided to take my own life. I am certain this is the right decision because I feel sick in the pit of my stomach every moment of every day. For anyone who is wondering why, the main reason is because the love of my life gave up on us. I assure you this is not a knee-jerk reaction, as it has been over 2 years now. I have gone out with a few girls, I've been working, I have tried to bury myself in video games, watching sports, watching streams, sharing a nice dinner with friends, all of the normal things a person does when trying to move on and begin a new life. The reality is none of it has mattered to me. I do not hate her or blame her for leaving; I know I could have done several things differently to make it work. What haunts me every day is that I wasn't given a last chance to truly be the man I wanted to be with her. She was my everything and I didn't know until she said she was leaving. As far as blame does go, I would put nearly all of it on my stepmom, my dad, past roommates, coworkers, fake friends, and unfortunate acquaintances. I am scared, but I am also excited. Since I was 8, all of the comparisons to “normal people”, the hurt, the loss of my best friend, the loneliness, the subtle and embarrassing “reaching out”, the rejection, and being told I'm just dramatic...that is all done. And that is an exciting feeling. I am scared because I'm not sure what's on the other side. I am scared for my mom, and I hope in the limited time she has left that she does not have to find out that her son finally gave up. I hope she is told I ran away to run a fruit stand in Nicaragua. I am 30 years old, so I hope you can all understand that I'm not just some emo kid who just got dumped by his first girlfriend. I believe that, for some people, time does not make things better. I have been struggling with a want to live since I was 8 years old and my dad and stepmom ditched me at Universal Studios. Since I was 10 and was ridiculed for having a severe speech impediment. Since I was 12 and my mom had stroke. Since I was 18 and lost the only friend I ever really had. And so much more in between and since. More than anything in the world, I am tired of comparisons. I have Asperger's and autism, but my family always told me I was just a lazy, pathetic, useless whiner who just needs to study more. My learning disability is pretty severe, and I may not sound stupid here, but language is really one of my only skills. My math is at about a 5th grade level and never improved no matter how much I tried. I have horrible social anxiety and am incredibly reclusive, introverted, and awkward. My dad would tell you I just don't put forth any effort. I guess I'm not a strong person. I can't imagine something like the loss of a child, but for me, I believe I would reach this same conclusion. Fortunately, I do not have kids, and the fallout from my exiting this world will be very minimal. It will be a while still before I'm able to get my method. I've actually been selling everything I own on Craigslist bit by bit and whatever is left will be destroyed, as I don't want my family profiting from my death. That is the last thing they deserve. If anyone is still reading this, I want to know if anyone understands that - it's not that I want to die - it's simply that I feel that I have no reason or desire to continue living. Is there anyone who believes you truly can die of a broken heart?