Why I'm Giving Up

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MyCatWillMissMe, Oct 24, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Does anyone actually read all of these?

    TL;DR - I'm going to kill myself.

    Long version -

    I have been struggling with demons in my head for a long time, and I have now decided to take my own life.

    I am certain this is the right decision because I feel sick in the pit of my stomach every moment of every day. For anyone who is wondering why, the main reason is because the love of my life gave up on us. I assure you this is not a knee-jerk reaction, as it has been over 2 years now. I have gone out with a few girls, I've been working, I have tried to bury myself in video games, watching sports, watching streams, sharing a nice dinner with friends, all of the normal things a person does when trying to move on and begin a new life. The reality is none of it has mattered to me. I do not hate her or blame her for leaving; I know I could have done several things differently to make it work. What haunts me every day is that I wasn't given a last chance to truly be the man I wanted to be with her. She was my everything and I didn't know until she said she was leaving.

    As far as blame does go, I would put nearly all of it on my stepmom, my dad, past roommates, coworkers, fake friends, and unfortunate acquaintances.

    I am scared, but I am also excited. Since I was 8, all of the comparisons to “normal people”, the hurt, the loss of my best friend, the loneliness, the subtle and embarrassing “reaching out”, the rejection, and being told I'm just dramatic...that is all done. And that is an exciting feeling.

    I am scared because I'm not sure what's on the other side. I am scared for my mom, and I hope in the limited time she has left that she does not have to find out that her son finally gave up. I hope she is told I ran away to run a fruit stand in Nicaragua.

    I am 30 years old, so I hope you can all understand that I'm not just some emo kid who just got dumped by his first girlfriend. I believe that, for some people, time does not make things better. I have been struggling with a want to live since I was 8 years old and my dad and stepmom ditched me at Universal Studios. Since I was 10 and was ridiculed for having a severe speech impediment. Since I was 12 and my mom had stroke. Since I was 18 and lost the only friend I ever really had. And so much more in between and since.

    More than anything in the world, I am tired of comparisons. I have Asperger's and autism, but my family always told me I was just a lazy, pathetic, useless whiner who just needs to study more. My learning disability is pretty severe, and I may not sound stupid here, but language is really one of my only skills. My math is at about a 5th grade level and never improved no matter how much I tried. I have horrible social anxiety and am incredibly reclusive, introverted, and awkward. My dad would tell you I just don't put forth any effort. I guess I'm not a strong person. I can't imagine something like the loss of a child, but for me, I believe I would reach this same conclusion. Fortunately, I do not have kids, and the fallout from my exiting this world will be very minimal.

    It will be a while still before I'm able to get my method. I've actually been selling everything I own on Craigslist bit by bit and whatever is left will be destroyed, as I don't want my family profiting from my death. That is the last thing they deserve.

    If anyone is still reading this, I want to know if anyone understands that - it's not that I want to die - it's simply that I feel that I have no reason or desire to continue living. Is there anyone who believes you truly can die of a broken heart?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 24, 2015
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling so low!

    It sure can feel like we might die of a broken heart! It can hurt so much. Being sad and grieving a loss are hard. Our whole heart and mindset want things the way we hoped it would be. And then it's not that way, and how do we cope with a broken dream? It hurts.

    If we hurt ourselves because of a broken heart, we are hurt by our OWN actions, not by the broken heart. Feelings eventually settle down and people start to see other things in the world that make them feel all right. It takes some time, though. A year...three years...five? Two weeks, for some. A decade for others. Six months for someone else. I think the key is to allow our feelings to be feelings, but not let them determine our "actions" or "behavior" - because feelings won't kill us, but actions/behaviors might. What a shame to die for feelings today that could settle over time! And settle so that we're able to meet other people and do other things. If one person turns out NOT to be the love of our life, there are 6,999,999,999 or so other people in the world we might connect with.

    I know it really really hurts. I'm not saying it doesn't. (When my ex and I split up, it was like having my soul ripped out.) You probably had lots of dreams and images of what life would look like with your ex gf.

    Maybe you met her so that you would know what good things you want in a person. Maybe there is more you'd like, and she just isn't the person who can give that. Perhaps someone who can is waiting for you and couldn't be part of your life until the way was clear? It still hurts now. But life is not over and doesn't need to be over. Please, don't give up. Allow yourself lots of time to grieve and heal from this break up (and yes, it can take more than a year or two).

    Be safe and strong! ((hug))
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am sorry, I am sorry first for your loss, I have lost my one True Love as well, I am sorry that You have been hurt by those that were supposed to love, care and nurture you! I am sorry that you have decided to leave all of it behind the way you have, I have not had to deal with Asperger's or Autism, I am sorry that you have had to deal with those as well, You life certainly has not been easy.

    I do not believe that you are Lazy or any other things that your father seemed to put on you, I cannot help but wonder how he would have made out with any one of your afflictions, We in this forum will not judge you, I can only see and sense a person that has been deeply wronged, never given the love or comfort he so rightly deserved as a child was not even respected as an adult, I can feel and understand your pain, anger and frustration, as well as your sense of loss! You had needs then and you have needs now!
    it is obvious to me, as will also be recognized by others that you are a caring loving and feeling person capable of deep commitment an Love. You deserve the same respect and attention as anyone else on this earth, Please give yourself the chance to try an have all of these things, do not give up, you deserve the opportunity! We in this forum will try an help you see there is still some good out here, you may not see this now but it is here, we care about you, we will support you as best we can help lift you up to help you feel better about yourself an the world at large, You deserve to have that chance, we have felt your pain through what you have written, we know it and feel it in ourselves, let us have the opportunity to help you see that you are a caring, worthwhile person, deserving of and entitled to respect! We are here for you!
  4. ImperfectDoughnut

    ImperfectDoughnut New Member

    do you think you still have hope?

    let me tell you a story. I'm a game developer, and I was working with vertex transforms. I was having a hard time orienting a plane in space that I could build thing to. In order for my objects to translate (move around) this plane correctly, I had to make sure they were referencing the right space (world or local). At first, when I tried moving an object down it's + x axis on the plane, It would flop down it's - y axis. After much trial and error, I came to the conclusion that the reason for my object not moving in the right direction was that my objects were referencing the world space (the plane) + x axis which was set to - y axis rather the local + x axis(my object's x axis).
    What I learned from this is that sometimes we let "life"(world space) determine our destination. This makes us feel like we have no control over our lives and therefore we feel powerless. If we start referencing our own space and accept the thing that happen in life, we will soon realize that we are in charge of our lives. Don't let life determine how you feel or react to those feelings, look within and find the answer. you are the answer!
    you have the power to influence and make life a marvelous adventure for yourself and for others.
    my advice is that you look within and fine the things that you can drawn to that will keep you alive. perhaps you have a little cousin or brother that you can spend time with and help get through things that they might go through in the future, or you have something you really want to do? like travel or build things. Invest in you. you are worthy and you don't need anyone's approval, you only need yours.

    your friend,

  5. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies. You guys often mention aspects of hope but the reality is there is no hope for me so that's why it's pretty much a done deal already. There is no pill I can take to remove my disabilities or make me more physically attractive or grow money for me. People have told me I would end up alone and for 30 years I tried to not believe it but they were right. No woman is going to be with a guy who is poor, average looking, has no possible career goals or ambition, and a limited future. I cannot conquer these disabilities no matter how many jobs or friends I have. It is impossible to love someone like me who has been broken in so many ways and it is impossible to love myself.

    I want to ask again, does anyone understand that perhaps someone can literally have no reason to continue living and therfore just wants to leave this place? I'm like a fish in a tank who just swims back and forth all day with no purpose, but unfortunately I have the sentience to know I have no purpose. I envy the fish.
    2 people like this.
  6. ImperfectDoughnut

    ImperfectDoughnut New Member

    no one is telling you all of this, you are. just read your messages and you will see that you are convincing yourself that you're not enough. you don't need anyone but yourself. I bet that if you started to do something about your problems instead of complain, your life would change. progress = happiness my friend. all it takes is a decision.

    I will be frank because I care about you. there are people who support and love you but no one feels sorry for you, never will. it's up to you.
  7. ImperfectDoughnut

    ImperfectDoughnut New Member

    49,000,000 deaths this year. all you will be is a number if you kill yourself. However, you have much to lose. out of all those people you are still alive because you were meant to do something great. there are little kids who look up to you, people who will need you. stop thinking too much about "I" and start focusing on how you can make the world a better place. take your pain and turn it into your fuel. you are powerful.
  8. Lazarusz

    Lazarusz Member

    You need to develop a bit of self-confidence. I don't get the "average man" thing you say. If by "deluxe version" you mean to be rich, have tons of money, have cars, houses, vulgar females following you, to be a Polymath like Da Vinci, and etc., then we all are very average people.

    I am good at languages, and have knowledge of 14 or so; but I do not speak most of them because some are difficult or/and I am not interested in developing the skill (that's laziness). I can't play an instrument, I am not rich either. And there are s many things I can't do that I don't care.

    And I see that what really hurts you is the "love" thing. I reckon that if you had your beloved one you wouldn't be depressed. The guys are right: you should not treat yourself like this. You should read, write, paint or do something artistic. Paint your depression, or write it. I always write when I am totally depressed, and by now I've got 4 novels. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll do something with them.

    My mother used to tell me that I was a failure: in childhood I believed it; in adolescence, I doubt it; and when I reached maturity, I saw that the failure was Mother. I told her once: You didn't deserve a son like me. I am such a great son for such a little mother.
  9. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Cool so nobody answered my question with any sort of feedback. What's going to happen is already happening; I've sold most of my furniture and fancy electronics, and I'm going to give all of the money to a person who deserves it. I just wanted to know if anyone agrees or disagrees that you really can just die of a broken heart and if not wanting to live can be justified or is largely irrational.

    Please stop replying about hope and that I need to just buck up and look out for myself. If that's what you want to say, just don't post, thanks.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    SF is a pro life site, we provide support and helpful support and hope. If this isn't for you (and I don't mean to sound harsh) maybe you are at the wrong community.
  11. Lazarusz

    Lazarusz Member

    Can you die of a broken heart? Firstly of all, heart has nothing to do with love, it's brain. Instead of saying "you'll always live in my heart", people should say "you'll always live in a part of my brain".

    Secondly: No, you can't die of a "broken heart". But you can die of loneliness. That's what you are doing. Maybe you just don't tolerate yourself, and the nothingness is better than your own company. It's irrational to die only because a woman decided that you were not the right person. Maybe she was not the right person for you, but you didn't have enough time to realise it. Love is like a chain, and (s)he who escapes from it, it's free. The other remains in a state of anxiety and desperation.
  12. Lazarusz

    Lazarusz Member

    Allow me to illustrate what love is.

    View attachment 113 The cage is the deepest and most dangerous feeling on earth: love
    Those 2 cute parrots are yourself and your beloved one.
    Everything is perfect as long as you remain together inside the cage

    View attachment 114 One day, one of the birds decides that freedom is better than living in a cage with the same person.
    Your beloved one has gone. She decided that in that cage she would never find happiness, which does not exist either.

    View attachment 115
    And now you have remained caged inside your solitude, and you want to die while your beloved one is free, finding "happiness"

    YES. It's ridiculous. Maybe you could get out of your cage and find another one.
    4 people like this.
  13. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Thanks Lazarusz, I think that is a pretty accurate statement, for all of the reasons I put in my first post. The #1 reason is because I lost her, and the #2 reason is because my disabilities make it too hard for me ever meet someone else I truly enjoy being with, and I'm not willing to try anymore. Like I said, I've been out with a few other girls for a couple months at a time since then, but no matter how much time I spent with them, they just didn't really matter to me. I felt like Patrick Bateman when he tells his fiance that she's just not terribly important to him; totally dead inside with no regard for the feelings of others. I never came close to feeling like I loved any of them, even though we got along and there was nothing I resented about them.

    I'm going to be gone next Monday (the 2nd) but I appreciate any further input on this specific issue until then.
  14. April Moody

    April Moody New Member

    Do you mind if I ask what you plan to do with your cat? (I assume you have one based on your screen name.)
  15. ImperfectDoughnut

    ImperfectDoughnut New Member

    Ok. do this. go to the poorest area of your city and use your money to help people in need. buy a homeless guy a sandwich and sit down with him, help an old lady cross the street, buy a person sitting alone a flower, hug as many random people as you can, pay for the groceries of a lady and her children. etc. do this everyday until it becomes a habit. this will make you realize that you have the power to do things you can't even began to imagine. don't sit alone with yourself, get out there!
  16. Lazarusz

    Lazarusz Member

    Hey, My Cat Will Miss Me:
    I gave it a thought again. About the Love thing. The only solution for your unhappiness would be killing the object that inflicts pain on your soul. But not literally, of course. Have you ever tried to mediate about her as a human being? Is she really special, or it's just that your solitude is very repellent? Sometimes people mistake "love" for loneliness, and money for "happiness".

    I hope you don't become one of those psychopaths that kill their girl/boy-friends. Which is a very mediocre and animalistic manner to "solve" the problem. That's exactly what they do: they kill the source of pain, risking their freedom. Because a painful freedom is worse than a
    peaceable slavery.

    By ending your life because of love, is like detaching yourself from the iron ball, but, still, you will carry the chains around your ankles and wrists.
    I hope that the heaviness of those chains allows you to do whatever you've got in your mind. I once met a man who had so much weight inside his body that he couldn't even die.
  17. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    My roommate will take care of my cat.

    Lazarus, you are an interesting fellow. :D

    It's not loneliness; I said I've been with a few other girls and they just didn't matter.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.