why i'm suicidal

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by jason, Aug 24, 2015.

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  1. jason

    jason New Member

    Hi my name is jason.
    Iv'e been suicidal on and off since age 15 and am now 34. It started when i absolutely destroyed a class project by paying as little attention until the last moment as possible. I dropped out of school completely when i realized i wouldn't be able to go to the college of my choice. Prior to this i had had some problems but was labeled as gifted. I kept on running away from my problems and dodging confrontation because of my low self esteem.
    I tried local junior college a few times but couldn't pass college level math classes like pre-calculus and statistics and in any event because of comparing myself to other younger people usually dropped out quite early in the semester. I was too shy to ask women out in my 20s and now with no career in my 30s doubt anyone would consider me attractive. Quite frankly i'm pretty ugly too.
    When i dropped out of high school my mother went crazy and had me diagnosed with schizophrenia with the help of quite a bit of doctor shopping. So, i don't have a work history even at mcdonalds and have been in and out of board-and-cares all my adult life. I feel so lonely dejected and alienated from society. It's like i'm mentally retarded but someone played a prank on me by having my grades upped when i was in elementary school and setting the bar way too high. I know i'm not supposed to say this but i've thought a lot about suicide with <Mod Edit: Methods> just to alleviate the psychic pain.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2015
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Hey Jason.

    Welcome aboard. Only yourself is your own worst critic. Give yourself some credit. Just fyi. I went through k-12 without any studying at all. My IQ was at 121 with the real test by a psychological eval. I didnt believe in it. When college came around I never studied and only opened the book for the test the night before. When I returned books for cash the books were always looking brand new. They diagnosed me recently with schizoaffective disorder. I still dont believe in it but I barely got thru college by luck and bullshitting my way through I am sure if you didnt run away you would have done what I did just to get out of there with piece of paper. Now at 33.....I am at a dead end job with no desire to advance my career nor go back to school. I am kothing, a nobody that even cant remember what I learned in school. I cant do algebra let alone enroll in pre calc!

    I am slowly realizing it is my own life to live and I am only responsible for my own happniess. Maybe not having a job is kinda better than having a deadend job just being taken advantage of working like a dog with no reward in the end moneywise. I even cant buy a house with my salary.
     
  3. jason

    jason New Member

    This is jason again. I'm sorry about your predicament, but i could never bs my way through college and i always studied. In fact I wonder if studying when i was young made me appear way smarter than i actually am. I have a cousin who breezes through graduate level math but didn't do well in high school because he didn't care to. I also would be very lucky to have an iq of 121.
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    The lesson of my story is I took the easy road through college picking the easiest major instead of pre medicine. I never applied myself to be a true student. I ran away from the hardest classes. I just took a shortcut and now am at a job getting me no where. A major thats useless.

    We all have our regrets. Just sayin whatever motivates us the most to move mountains to get what we want is what we need to find and hold onto it for dear life.

    34 is not old. I have coworkers in their 40s and 50s going to college. Never to late.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2015
  5. jason

    jason New Member

    i'm worried the only college major i can get through would be a useless one like you're saying because i don't know if i could stay in school without a breakdown for four years. There is a school which has a nine month program to become a medical assistant, but the field doesn't pay much. Besides, i can't drive. Still, it would be an improvement.
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    There are vocational programs out there not just college. People make alot money in skilled trade with short time in training programs. Maybe that can be feasible as well?

    Just curious why cant drive? Meds? Or never got around to it?
     
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Jason, welcome to the forum. I know you scared but do not worry. I breakdown everyday but I still survive on a hour by hour basis. We can help YOU as we all here understand what you are going through. I know you are hurting but keep posting here. You are at low ebb of your life but be strong. We a very caring community and we can help you. Do not worry now, this virtual hand I give to you is one of compassion and re-assurance that I do care. Remember that someone does care and we will get you the next four years. Life is about living and nothing more. We have a purpose in living and we want go naturally wherever we are deemed to. Be safe and strong.
     
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