Why is everything in life so hard to understand...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Entity, Apr 13, 2009.

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  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    I am dealing with too much stuff for me to handle right now.. and i dont want to tell anybody.. but i have to.. so i thought id come here.. my life, for me, is messed up.. and i cant deal with all of it...
    for those of u reading this and dont know me..
    i started si at age 9
    my parents got divorced when i was 12
    my dad remarried a year after that.. (he was cheating on my mom)
    my mom is a lesbian
    i live 5 hours away from my family
    i practically raise my little sister.. cuz my mom doesnt
    my brother moved out in August last year to go live with my dad.. my mom said she hated him.. and couldnt wait for him to leave
    i am bi
    i am super shy

    i have suicidal feelings that are very strong right now..
    all of my friends are going through hard times right now.. and i keep trying to help them ... but i get sooo upset everytime i help them now.. i keep things bottled up and i go back to where my feelings on something were really strong and i hate to have my friends upset ... but i end up hurting them everytime i talk to them.. and i am having a hard time not hurting them...i end up feeling so stupid and then they become upset and i fear their lives over what i do to them.. and it scares me soo much.. and i have been doing some things that i shouldnt.. i have continued to talk to my stepbrother and we started sex texting... and he sent pics.. so i sent pics.. and i know its worng.. and for those of you that dont know wat happend dont ask.. i dont want to talk about it.. but i still like him... and i cant!
    i played a mean trick on him earlier today and i shouldnt have.. and now i dont think he trusts me... not as much anyways.. and he seems really upset.. and i wanna know why.. but he wont tell me.. he keeps saying he is fine.. but i know he isnt... and its my fault.. i take full responsibility everytime my friends are upset.. its usually because of me.. and i should stop it just bothers me.. that i keep hurting all these people and i wish i knew how.. i wish i could stop... i wish a lot of things.. but they wont come true... i have been wanting to die more and more recently.. after all the things i keep doing to fuck my life up... i am still here.. i am too scared to find out what will happen... i am really paranoid about everything... i am going to my first ever psychocologist visit tomorrow.. and i am freaking out..
    i dont know what to say.. i dont know what would be okay for me to say...
  2. xxscreamxx

    xxscreamxx Member

    I'm glad you took the step to go see a phychologist, I think that will help you a lot.
  3. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Good luck with your appointment tomorrow.

    I've got one tomorrow too, they can be annoying.
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    you've told me the story a few times, and i can promise you he's using you

    you don't need to know what to say at a psychologist appointment, just remember they're there to help you, and nothing more, don't be afraid to tell them anything
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    You could start tomorrow by showing the psychologist what you posted here. It will give you enough to talk about for several sessions. He/she will work with you to understand that what your friends do isn't your worry. You've given your input, but any choices they make, they make themselves. Please don't blame yourself.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree either print out what you wrote here or write down your thoughts.. It will help with you being nervous.. If you get upset just picture her/him naked, that should make you smile...lol... Seriously I am glad you joined the forum and that you have taken that step to get help..You may want to think about getting a therapist, I have found them to be more help than anyone..Take care!!
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