Why is it always the weekends?

[AlexDanish]

From coming here, I've read people's posts, and always felt their desperation. But I always thought I was different because I had someone who cared about me, and I cared about them. Someone who didn't want me to go and wanted me to hang on.

So I felt like I really had something to live for. Me and her have been good friends. We would always talk if I was depressed, or if she was depressed. And we were always there for each other.

Two weeks ago, she got in a fight with a friend. And every single art class she would wait by the door for me and we would walk to the next class together. And we talked about my depression.

And then, she and that friend made up. And now, she doesn't walk or talk with me much. I feel like I was used, because we don't talk anymore about our problems or even about normal stuff.

It feels like she just used me, because she wasn't used to being alone. And she says everyday "We'll talk tomorrow, we'll talk tomorrow I promise" and I'll feel happy because I know we will talk the next day, but we never do. She has so many close friends, and I only had her.

And now we don't talk to each other anymore. I feel completely used. She was the only person I could confide in and now I have nobody left. My parents are complete assholes, I've lost my best and only friend, my grades have slipped down the shitter, and I can't live up to everybodies expectations anymore.

I've never felt this crappy before. I've felt like complete shit before, but now that I have nobody left I feel way more crappy. And I've measured out necessary lethal doses of the drugs in my house, due to the lack of other means.

I think I am going to kill myself tomorrow. I'm going to write a note, and tell everybody it wasn't their fault because I just don't want to be a burden anymore, and I don't want anyone to be traumatized or anything.

I'm just so tired, and now I really, truly only have this forum to tell. I could go on about my problems, about how deep I've been cutting my arm, that people are beginning to alienate me at school, how people are announcing that I hurt myself, and so much other shit but I just don't feel like it anymore.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

 

[RySp123]

You feel let down and abandoned and I feel your pain in this but hun wouldn't it be possible that she is trying (in a bad way as you are hurt in the process) to move on, and feels that this once built bridge with you, constant reminder of this depression period, she rather cut short any interaction for the time being? She might even be ashame to have shared such intimacy.

It doesn't mean that she has forgotten you or what has happened between you two, but that in order to overcome what she was going throurgh at the moment she need some space even if that means keep you away without having the strenght to tell you about it? I know it is misleading as thoughts but do not be too quick to judge. Could be also that her feelings towards you were shifting and got scared and has choosen to keep you away, delaying the moment to facing you with all this?

All are possibiliities hun, but you've decided what was going on as a certainty without an open door to other possibilities..... but till you do clear this up with her...... wait and see...... few days more you can wait no? might change your life or change your mind completely......... but you will never found out if i was right should you choose to go ahead with this. Take the necessary time to find out hun. You might be missing the most important thing of your life. God knows....

You say that you "can't live up to everybodies expectations anymore." Are you not yourself expecting from her, from others as well?

What expectations do you feel others have towards you? Are you not expecting something out of yourself in the belief that is it coming from others? Often we believe it comes from outside yet it is a self mirroring of inner beliefs yet unreal.

You said to have read many posts, hopefully you also read in the after... section also. If not I encourage you to do so..... just for you to realize that there is no definite security that you will succeed (fact is that you succeed are of less than one percent) yet can come out of it with damaged liver, kidneys or else.....survive but be a vegetable or crippled for life. There is no such thing as a sure way to suicide.

I am a parent, a grandparent, a friend, a neighbour, a human being hun and to all these should I loose a child to suicide, no matter what is said in his-her letter, I would feel NO MATTER WHAT that perhaps I could have prevent this from happening and this though will remain with me, the doubt will remain with me till I die and this will be my living nightmare forever as a child can't be replaced, it is loved unconditionally no matter what. I lived through suicides, relatives, friends and neighbours so I can tell you exactly how a relatives feels for loosing someone.

Do you feel so bad? Do you feel that you have nothing going now? What about tomorrow, a tomorrow not so far when you'd meet a girl, a friend or a mate? How about seeing the sky clear up? How many possiiblities are you ready to give up? I feel for you, for the pain and loneliness you feel at the moment but it is a moment in life...... what is a few weeks or months in a 80 years' life time? Not even one percent....... hold on, hang on hun...... give life the possiibility to show you that there is more to life than the present...... exist what is called 'future' and it can be wonderful shoulld you give it a chance to be. What hav you got to loose? Me? I'd loose a friend, a neighbour, a class mate (that perhaps I have never bothered talking to yet always thought he was kinda cool)...

wait........... there will always be time to do what is on your mind....... give time ...... let life be for the moment being will ya?

I do believe you need a friend, a friend is someone that listens to you? Also a person to talk to..... for now you have more than one issue on your mind, bothereing and disturbing your life. Reach out to a counselor at school or outside school..... talk to your family doctor about what is going on..... talk to your brother, sister or parents...... whoever is willing to listen to you and if you can't bring yourself to verbally express it, write it and hand it to the person (parent, relative, sybling, doctor or counselor or school director or nurse....... whoever........ can be a neighbour also).

You dont want to be a burden and traumatize anyone you say. Let me ask you this hun. If your mom or dad or sybling or neighbour was hurting... wouldn't you like to know or would you rather ignore all about it? Are you so superficial or think that your parents or syblings and so on are insensible to ignore hurting? I am quite certain that the answer is 'no'. You'd like to know and be there to help somehow as i can feel you have a big heart... so have they hunny..... give them a chance to show you how much they love and care about and for you. Reach out to them!

They might even see something not quite right but waiting for you to confirm their doubts...... that is a real burden for a parent...... see and know wihout knowing for certain. Talk...... speak out hunny. I am quite sure you won't regret doing it. Theywill be there for you as you'd be for them in similar situation.. why hesitate if not your own fear to open up? Write it down.... pour your heart out and let them know how you feel and hurt inside. Let them know how it affects your life and shchooling...... together a solution you will find.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" you've asked....... i have answered as best as I could......... yours now to decide to follow it or follow a different path.

As a parent, it would destroy me hun. NOTHING is more important or has more worth in this life than my children. I might not tell them in a way that might wish for or need, i might not always be the mother they have hoped for but one thing is for certain. To a parent, its child is ALL in this life time. NOTHING can or could possibly replace him-her. NOTHING could ever alleviate the loss no matter what who or time (future)...... telling you from experience. A parent would go to lenght to help and save a child, his-her own child. Should they know, they would react and act to save that child hun. Show them your thread if you cant tell them verbally or write it to them.

It will be a positive start. As for the girl, personally (if you feel it is right or might help you..... dunno here) I'd write her a letter and tell her that I feel used than discarted once there is no more need for ears to listen to her pouring her heart out. I'd tell her that I am hurting inside. That I have thought she seek me out of friendship yet it was only a use and throw away after there is no more need for me and this is a sad way to go about in life and bad way to treat people. I wouldn't use bad words or else.... but i'd let her know how i feel. I'd be careful and choose my words also so that in case that person decides to share or show that letter to other(s), nothing negative could come out of it......and none of my issues or problems are written in that specific letter so you protect yourself yet she will know that what she is doing isn't right by you.

Now, open the window...... its cold i know :smile: and take a deeep breath of fresh air. It will clear up your mind a little... or go for a 20 min. walk and once you come back..... reflect and decide how to go about it with your parents-sybling-relative-neighbour or counselor and how to go about it with that young lady.

Wishing you all the best

Be well and stay safe please

Still confused and want to talk? You can pm me anytime about anything... use it hun. I am here for you if you want me.

 

[AlexDanish]

Yes, and it makes me feel like crap when I think about it, that she would be ashamed to share those feelings with me because I felt like the one who she could always talk to and that felt great for me... If she needs space or time to move on, that's fine, but this has gone on and on and the pain from abandonment I feel from this just won't stop. It feels worse and worse, and peaks every single night, to the point where I wish there was some easy and painless drug that I could take to kill myself.

I don't want to be someone somebody else is ashamed of, and I don't want to be a painful reminder of any bad feelings people feel. I guess if she doesn't want to see me, I should simply just kill myself so she is never reminded of that painful time.

No, the "expectations" that I'm talking about stem mostly from my family. My mom wants me to be a doctor, my dad wants me to be a veternarian, or something like that. I'm not naturally smart. My grades are terrible. I can't get into any decent college or university with them. Whenever I try to fulfilly my family's expectations, if I don't meet them at their standards, I am just a failure in their eyes. And people tell me that I will be someone great, do something amazing. But I simply can't. I'm not an amazing person. I am just one person out of billions that quite simply won't do anything that means anything to anyone.

I know there is no sure way to suicide. But some methods are better than others. And the short or long, dull or excruciating pain I may feel from some methods, it's better than the long, dragged out shit I go through every day. I'm not searching for a way out of a temporary problem. I'm searching for a way out of this life.

I know even with my letter, people will feel like crap. But it's better than going with no explaination, or going with a painful, spite filled letter. Whatever I can do to alleviate the pain on others. I would not wish any of this type of pain on my greatest enemy.

I've given life a shot. I've felt joy beyond joy, and pain beyond pain. I've seen my share of sunsets, I've met my share of people. I have given life a shot. And the longer I stay, the more convinced I am that I was never meant for earth.

You say to reach out, and I have. I told my best friend, aside from that girl, that I would see him in a better place, and that I'm sorry. At first he was scared, but then he seemed to not care. That weekend, I didn't get one message, or one call. I thought maybe if I told him, he would try to save me. I guess it was a cry for help? But nothing came. And now he's angry at me because "We don't talk anymore". I can't tell my parents, I can't tell anyone else. I've told enough people and it's painfully clear that it doesn't matter.

My killing myself may be painful to them. They may blame themselves, despite what I say. But it will pass. In a few days, weeks, or months, eventually my memory will fade because I am just one person who never did anything of any importance.

I wish I could tell her how I felt. I really do, but I can't without sounding completely dependent on her. She's made it clear that she's completely over it. And nobody will make time for me.

So, you say, what if I stay alive? What will happen? I'll go back to the same thing, day after day. Me and her will talk a few times a week, and that's it. And maybe I'll see a movie with my friends ever so often. Maybe I'll get mediocre grades.

It's all the same bullshit, day in, day out. I'm not worth the time for anyone. I have no real friends left, nobody left to turn to. I'm pretty sure tonight I will attempt to kill myself again. And maybe, in that time of desperation I will call out to him or her. And I'll wait by the phone like I always do, because I am completely dependant on other people. But it's not going to ring, and if it does, and by some miracle they talk me out of it, I will end up in a hospital and in a physch ward and then it just doesn't even matter. It's just not worth it anymore without my two best friends.

 

[graycloud]

"You beg and plead, but no one here can save you
Why would they try when they can't quite save themselves?"

I like your quote it seems so true, but we will try because even if you don't feel us we are all with you. We understand and feel your pain. I think because we can't save ourselves that we want to at least try to help others because we don't wish our pain on anyone.
I do understand how alone and unloved you must feel. When my Dad died I needed someone to lean on and there was no one. What hurt the most was that those who claimed to love me was the very ones who never came by to check on me or even give me as much as a call to see if I was ok. My Dad has been gone a year on the 30th. In this whole year I have had two personal calls (other than my son who mostly calls for money). One was from a "friend" who only called to find out how my Dad died and why it took three months to have his funeral. Almost as soon as she got her information she said she had to go and would call back later. It's been 10 months and I'm still waiting for the call back. The other call was a friend/coworker who called to tell me she had to go back on her invitation for me to come to her house because she was going to help her friend plan a wedding. It's been months since then and she still hasn't invited me to her house again. I don't think people mean to be uncaring and hurtful, they just don't think sometimes. Alex you are not alone in your pain some of us feel it too. You are young, there is so much good in life for you to still experience and your life could turn for the better if you just give it a chance. Please don't give up yet, hold on for just a little longer. We are here for you.

 

[SoulRiser]

I know what it's like to have friends who are great for a while and then they end up hanging out with other people again and neglecting me. It sucks. But why should you have to die because other people are lousy friends? I don't mean to say they really are lousy friends, I mean, they may have all sorts of reasons and things keeping them busy... but in the end, it's not your fault. You deserve better than that... don't give up. There are billions of people in the world, many good friends out there that you haven't met yet. I had no close friends in school, none at all, I only found them years later. Some in college, some online. I think it's worth waiting for. Sure, that doesn't guarantee you will find them, but I think the odds are in your favour. Kind, caring, intelligent people are rare, let's face it, but they do exist, and I think they're worth sticking around for because it's great when you do find one. Just try not to be too dependant on them though, because nobody's perfect, and even the most reliable person on the planet can't always be reliable.

I'm kinda rambling a bit... sorry :P

And now...

No, the "expectations" that I'm talking about stem mostly from my family. My mom wants me to be a doctor, my dad wants me to be a veternarian, or something like that. I'm not naturally smart. My grades are terrible.

Hold it right there. Grades have nothing to do with being smart. Grades are just a (very inaccurate) attempt at measuring how much a person has learned about something. Did you know Einstein hated school? He said that cramming for exams actually annoyed him so much he couldn't stand to think about scientific problems for a whole year afterward.

Whenever I try to fulfilly my family's expectations, if I don't meet them at their standards, I am just a failure in their eyes.

I know a lot of parents like that. It's really sad that they think that way, but they're wrong. They are so, so wrong. Different people are good at different things, just because you don't get good grades doesn't mean anything. It could just mean you don't like the work, or you're not interested, or the method of teaching doesn't work for you... school tries to teach everyone the same thing in the same way, and it just doesn't work for everyone.

And people tell me that I will be someone great, do something amazing. But I simply can't. I'm not an amazing person. I am just one person out of billions that quite simply won't do anything that means anything to anyone.

You can do whatever you want with your life. Don't let anyone else tell you what they think you should be doing, it's YOUR life, not theirs. It should be your decision.

I hope you don't try to kill yourself... and if you are thinking about it, at least read this first. I know it has nothing to do with your friend problems, but it might help with some of the... "other" things

Good luck.