Why is it hard?? Long post- sorry

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by booeyburgers, Dec 1, 2007.

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  1. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    First, im 24 and live in the US. Have been feeling suicidal for years. never really told anybody about my attempts. i have tried twice and both with pills. they were all over the counter meds and we all know how that ends. Vomitting and very painful. I never taught of any hanging or cutting techniques nor would i. I don't want someone to clean up my mess. I only recently told my family doc about this but gives me medicine that takes forever to work(?, never liked taking meds and never took the antidepressants long enough to get the full effect). I feel at peace with this future decision and i know its the right one.

    My current stage I'm in is a research and isolation stage. I don't wanna talk to anyone and i have written my "will" or "goodbye letter". I told my brother to find my laptop if something were to happen. I have a strong feeling to do it by the end of the year but i can't find a clear cut method. I would appreciate any help with that but i know a mod will delete this sentence and i understand why.

    I don't wanna hurt anybody else while i do this final act. I drive on 18 wheels so it would be rather easy. My family has NO idea and they would even further expel me from the family. I only have 1 true friend but he doesn't know anything about this either. like i said i have been this way for years. My first attempt was 10 years ago and the most recent one was about 2 years ago.

    I want the end to be short and painless

    Sorry for the long post, i know i hate reading long posts too.

    Any help is appreciated:cool:
  2. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome to SF :smile:

    Please, please, don't do it. I know it seems like the only way out, the end to your misery. Talk to us here, on the forums, get to know people, share your experiences with other members. Because you are not alone in feeling the way you do, and you never know, talking to others may help you.

    Let it all out, find ways of dealing with the way you feel, you've got everything to gain and nothing to lose.

    Take care and stay safe,
  3. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    Coming from someone who absolutely pants at giving advise...

    Just take each day as it comes. Stay and talk for a while and see if there is any support that we can give.

    I'm at the same stage as you, in a room full a people I still feel alone and out of touch. Spent many days researching ways to die whether it be short turn plans or ways to inflict long term damage.

    Your always welcome here !
  4. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    talk is cheap and accomplishes nothing. :unsure: i've been there and in the process tried to kill my brother!! :rolleyes: That was some of the fun times. i want to thank you for your kind thoughts.

    still researching for that miracle :trampolin

    p.s. i love the smileys here its awesome

    edit: I would love to kill some one as well, preferably strangling with bare hands and hopefully it would be my sister... i could only wish :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 1, 2007
  5. Light_In_The_Dark

    Light_In_The_Dark Well-Known Member

    We are all here for you. This forum is helping people since 2004 and its really great. Hope youll find you peace here. Stay safe! :hug:
  6. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    i think i found that miracle drug, now i just need to know where i can find it...

    i can't wait to see the other side :) :) :)
  7. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    Please stay around for a while. Over doses are very painful. Your death will not be quick or painless or even guaranteed.

    I agree talk is cheap, but why not stay and try it for awhile. There is lots of good people here that will probably understand what you are going through at some level.

    What is there to lose ?
    If your going to die anyway you might as well try and get support from here first.

    I'm in chat sometimes and there are many people that are here for you.

    Please reconsider for now.
  8. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    i'm not considering an OD on drugs but <mod edit> (not enough for an OD just to be relaxed). I just got to find some and research other possible methods.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 1, 2007
  9. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    May I ask, why is there some urgency for this to happen ?
  10. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    i'm very patient, no urgency at all. I think this would be the ultimate high, slowly falling asleep and than you'll be gone. still searching:rolleyes:
  11. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    Cool. I understand.

    Is there some curiosity involved?
    The only thing that keeps me form suicide is that my family will be dragged through the stress of my suicide whether they actually care or if they will be just just embarrassed.

    Why do you want to die?
  12. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    why? boredom and being lonely. thats about it. Unlike you, i don't care what my parents/family would go through and i guarantee that they would not miss me or know what would happen to me.

    what about you?
  13. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    I don't really know.

    I find it hard to communicate in social situations (I'm fine when its a structured environment like at work.)

    I feel out of touch with everything, everyone is laughing at me and chanting my name, everything I do is being monitored and watched, all of my belongings are tampered with. I'm not trusted at work, I don't add anything to society. I have no close friends and my family cannot understand anything that not 'normal'.

    To take everything to its most basic parts, I do not know who I am.
  14. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    Alot of people don't know who they are and many of them are just "going with the grain". trying to blend in so they don't stick out from the crowd. I, too, don't know who i am, what i want to become, and kinda scared about leaving this life before my grandparents do. which is another reason why i want to kill myself. i would like it for one day where my family can focus on me.

    I hate being in social situtations and have never been to a bar or club!! NEVER!!! I hate talking to people (I have a small speech problem and my family ridicules me about it) and don't really care about anyone else.

    this is definitely not normal, even if you do wanna kill yourself becuase that is really fixable. I too hear voices in my head but i think they are my friends and treat them like it. If they tell you to do something bad, i reply (in my head, not outvloud) and tell them to do something else. They are my companions and my only true entertainment.

    Everyone is being monitored and watched which is the reason to give them a show. if you think you house is bugged, walk around naked, sing loudly, tell bad jokes. if someone is watching they will either laugh or leave you alone eventually.

    the only why you going to add something to society is to invent a spectacular gizmos that would fix everything or find a cure for cancer. while its not impossible the probability of you or me winning the Nobel Peace Prize is few and far between. another possible way of adding to society is mentoring young people or counselling. yes this is scary but even chatting via email is a way to add to society.

    if you not trusted at work than you can always find another job. i know it sucks looking for one but it can be done.

    I hope i helped you
  15. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    i tend to go thru trends of suicide and laziness. right now i'm in the laziness trend and could care less of what is going on. Sorry for doing this but it happens.
  16. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member


    Stay awhile, some ppl here may be able to help you to stay strong and continue w/ life.
    dont give up just yet, there are really great things to experience if you give it a chance.
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