Why is it so hard to leave him?

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by brookie, Feb 6, 2015.

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  1. brookie

    brookie Member

    Why is it so hard to walk away? All these thoughts are running through my mind. What if he's right? What if I can't make it out there by myself? What if no one will ever love me and I'll die alone? What if this time he really will change, I mean everyone deserves a second chance right? As usual I'm just over thinking and over complicating things. Considering that the bruises from the last punishment haven't even healed yet it is still incredibly hard to leave.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :arms: It is hard to leave him because an abuser systematically degrades and destroys his/her victim's sense of self and self-worth. Then the abuser promises to do better and there is a period of calm and good. And then something in the air lets the victim know it's time to walk on eggshells...until the abuser explodes over something that he/she blames on the victim and he/she becomes violent with words and or fists. It's a cycle. Every time a victim goes through the cycle, they tend to feel a little less confident and somehow "more deserving" of the abuse. It's how the abuser manages to keep the victim feeling bad enough to "accept" the idea that they "deserve" the abuse.

    You ARE a valuable person. You DO deserve to be treated WELL. You do NOT deserve to be yelled at, insulted, put down, hit.

    Do you have a domestic violence crisis line you can call? They can help you develop a safety plan if you want, and even offer suggestions for "how to get out" if that is what you want.

    Things you might consider right away are:

    - if you are staying for now, create a "safety plan" - if he gets violent, is there a room in the house that you can lock yourself in, lock him out of? Is there a phone in that room in case you need the police?
    - if you have kids, talk to them and say that if he gets angry and mean, they are to head to the "safe room" right away and not let him in
    - talk to your friends and family so they know what is going on; if they are not supportive, talk to a womens' shelter or domestic violence group
    - create a package of items that you would need if you left on short notice:
    - set aside some money for yourself - cash, bank and credit cards, car and house keys, tickets/tokens for public transportation
    - copies of your personal ID, and if you have children, theirs as well (driver's license, birth certificates, passports/immigration papers, health insurance cards)
    - pack a suitcase of clothes for you and each of the children, include a favorite or special toy, dry snacks, juice boxes
    - if possible, arrange with a friend/relative that they will take you in any time of the day or night if you need that
    - alert the local police that there are problems - this is not the same thing as asking them to charge him with anything, it's just so they know you might need assistance down the road and might hasten them to your door if you do - this is not an "emergency call" so don't call 911/999, call the local station - maybe ask if they have a domestic violence unit - they might direct you to a victims' services organization that can also help you
    - put emergency services number 911/999 on speed dial on your personal phone; call if he threatens you in any way
    - if you are going to leave, DO NOT tell him where you plan to go/stay; ask friends/family NOT to tell him where you are

    A final question for you...does he have access to weapons? If he does, PLEASE, you might want to consider getting out now. Your life and if you have kids, their lives, could be in very serious danger.

    I hope you'll update us if you can. :arms:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If possible press charges against him that will put a record into police about his violence You can survive trust me ok without him you can survive with help womens shelter they will help. He will NOT change he won't you do not have to continue to live in fear please reach out to someone authorities women shelter a friend but get away now ok no more abuse for you
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