Why is it so hard?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Perfect Melancholy, May 15, 2010.

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  1. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Basically I don't know what else to do, I can feel myself planning my next overdose and I know this time I want to make it work.

    I have been trying to fix things for myself going to the doctors to get some meds to help the anxiety, but even then the only way I can handle this is thinking of a way out. I dont even know what triggers it, I finally spoke to my friend about me attempting last Friday all they said was I was selfish and a coward, she has no idea how much it took how alone I felt to do that.

    I know sometimes you need the tough love but all it makes me feel when I try to talk to anyone about it is it would be easier now just end it, I cant even face work at the moment I get there and walk in the office and panic and now I am going to be in trouble for being of.

    I have the docs tuesday but that is to far of its my friends birthday tonight I know I am going to drink and end up trying something when I get home. the tempation is to great but at the same time it scares me, I really have nothing and am trying.
     
  2. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know if your friend said what they said because that's what they think you need to hear or not but I think it is a kind of defence mecanism for them. Either way most of the time I don't think it's very helpful when what you really need is understanding. It's good that your going to the docs and getting meds but if you do go to this party do you have to drink? Do you drive could you not be the designated driver?

    What ever happens please stay safe and keep posting.
     
  3. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    You're not selfish and you are not a coward......it takes a huge amount of courage to talk about these types of feelings and I am sorry you did not get more positive feedback from your friend.

    Hang in there and keep talking here......I've found a great deal of help from being here..take care...shaz
     
  4. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I'm sorry for what your friend said.

    Can you try to avoid any alcohol tonight? If you are already in a bad place, that might make it really hard for you.

    Please stay safe, and keep talking. That one person didn't understand how you are feeling, but many of us do, and we're here to listen.
     
  5. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Well I told the two people that knew what I am like that I had tried to overdose, one of them doesn't talk to me now and the other well said what I said above u.u

    The problem is I never turn up when I make appointments, I get so anxious that I cant go. So I went to the docs and I have to take these tablets to calm me down problem is they take 6 weeks to kick in.

    I cant avoid going out tonight I keep standing my friend up its his birthday and although he does not know about me if i don't drink he will know something is up thing is I am really anti social at the moment scared to go out, so I know by the time I get home I am going to end up hurting myself if I have even had a bit to drink, then maybe I will try and take it to far, Its a vicious circle because I am trying to sort myself out, but in doing so its completely killing me if that makes sense
     
  6. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I understand what you mean "I am trying to sort myself out, but in doing so it's completely killing me". I feel exactly the same right now... I am forcing myself into uncomfortable situations because I 'think it'll help' but so far it's just made me more anxious, just crossing my fingers that things will change any day now.

    I think friends and family are so difficult to tell because you never know what their reaction will be, you hope for a supportive one but sometimes you get one (if you get a reaction at all!) that can send you spiralling back into a pit of despair and you are supposed to just accept that they feel that way, if only it were that easy.

    Being sociable can help definitely, I mean you could drink vodka and orange all night... except the first drink will actually be a vodka and orange and once you're sure everybody is reasonably drunk, just drink orange juice. Is that a possibility?
    Is there a chance of making your excuses early as well?

    Another thought for the birthday drinks thing is the second you come home, could you come on here? Talk it out for as long as possible or maybe chat to someone from SF on the phone or on msn? Anything that will take your mind off things. Someone from here kept me talking once for a couple of hours after a particularly bad and drunken night, and I am so thankful to him everyday, because if he hadn't I would've almost certainly overdosed.

    You said the tablets take 6 weeks to kick in, how long have you been taking them so far?
    Just take one day at a time, that's how I try and play it. I tell myself I just have to get through this week and I plan out each day down to the number if I can. Making sure I have something to keep my mind occupied at any given moment when and where I can. Time will pass and things will improve. I know I can't promise that but taking each week like that really does help. With the Doctors appointments also, you could try natural methods to help with your anxiety. One thing that helps me is music - up loud and I just literally hoist myself out of the house, before you know it you're concentrating on the music and you've forgotten how far you have travelled and bam! You're at the Doctors surgery.
     
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Thank you Aurora, I hope I haven't triggered you in anyway.

    Thats the thing I went to the doctors Monday after I overdosed friday, I have only been taking them for a week. I KNOW there is no quick fix, but my thought process is like this.

    No one needs me at the moment, I have only been sticking around because people need me. They now don't need me. So why should I continue hurting there is no point.

    But then do I not deserve a chance to live this life happy, but then I think no I don't because I am a burden on people. I am not cut out for this world.

    The last few days I have to take it an hour at a time, do small things. Right now I am thinking make it til i go out, then see what happens I cant think further then that.

    I will probably come here after I go out but I dont really type much I am more of a lurker.
     
  8. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    No you haven't triggered me, don't worry about that. :hug:

    You say people needed you before but they don't now - how come?

    What makes you think you are a burden on people? I used to say things like "I am not cut out for this world" but that's just because it was too hard to stay and fight and it still is... fighting is hard and I'm not sure I'm strong enough but I know I can't leave until I gave it a good fight. You are right in what you said - you DO deserve a chance to live this life happy. But as much as it hurts it's your fight and yours only and you are doing great so far... better than you know. The fact that you are even on a forum talking about stuff and reaching out. The fact that you even went to the Doctor and asked for help. All of that is like throwing out a punch, you're fighting to get better and you're doing a stand up job so far! You just need a little help to get through these next few difficult parts.

    Have you considered group therapy or one-to-one therapy of any kind? That's the next step for me also. I think you have to get these things out and talk about them face to face with another human being... I don't know why - but I know it's a massive massive part of getting better.
     
  9. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Well one thank you for listening to me vent I really appreciate that.

    Um well I feel like people only need me because they need something, I have helped a lot of friends and they have disappeared, I have tried to be this happy person which is like my disguise.

    And the people I am close to I made sure they were okay before I tried last Friday, they don't need me now. Its like I have put everything in place so no one could miss me. My family are fine my sister is due her next kid in October and is getting married, I am not even invited to the wedding, and I only found out she was pregnant on facebook.

    I had a friend killed in Afgan in Feb, It hurt a lot but I have been making sure everyone is okay and they are now, then there was one person I tried to talk to about it-and they refused saying they had a lot on. Which is fair enough, but it didn't stop it hurting that they couldn't even give me 5 mins just to let me grieve with them on my own. Before that I found out my nan had died, except everyone in my family kept it from me, so I never got to go to the funeral. And that has all happened this year, without even going into the stuff that happened before that.

    So yeah I feel like a burden because my family don't want me, my friends leave me. No one takes the time to listen, hence I went to the doctors I would do therapy but that's a long way of. I have to get rid of the anxiety but that comes with the meds which is going to take a while to work, and I dont think I have that much time, I know if I slipped away now people would not even notice for a few days, I do feel like a ghost sometimes.

    um sorry that kind of just all came out then, I have always found it hard to talk to people face to face hence it normally comes out like this, its easier to hide behind a screen. It doesnt hurt so much when you find out no one cares
     
  10. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I think a lot of people on here will be able to relate to that having to put on a happy disguise and it's not an easy thing to do, I'm sorry you've had to do it for so long.
    Your sister, if you don't mind me asking - what happened there? Sounds like maybe you were close before but you aren't anymore?
    I have a feeling you say they wouldn't miss you and they'd be fine without you but it'd probably kill them and tear them apart.
    You definitely need to deal with your grief over your friend but as you say, therapy will come after the 6 weeks, and I think it'd be a good step - please don't give up. I really want to hear that you are still around and that you gave it a try. :)
    Grief counselling as well as counselling for anything else.

    Can I ask why your family kept the death of your Grandmother from you? Is it because they thought you wouldn't cope well with the news?

    In terms of telling a friend/family member something about yourself like this (that you are suffering with depression and mental illness) I cannot remember the exact advice I was given but I wrote a thread about it. I don't know if it'll help, but I hope so.

    http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=80945

    You wanna hear something sad? If I slipped away my family wouldn't notice for a few days either AND I LIVE WITH THEM. I actually laughed a little when I said that because I guess if I didn't laugh I'd cry. lol.
    So I know what you mean about feeling like a ghost, but just remember you're not invisible to everybody and now you're part of the SF community, we'd definitely miss you if you were gone, remember that. :hug:
    I can't see how in any of this you seem like a burden at all, because you do not. You arent dependent on anybody or using anybody, so please don't think that.
    And if you need someone to listen, I'm always here. I think sometimes people who haven't been through depression or find it difficult to empathise just don't know what to say or how to respond or even appear confused/bewildered even if they do listen and that can be worse, because it makes you almost wish you hadn't said anything.
     
  11. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    My family basically don't talk to me since my dad passed, I used to be close to them all. But after that they don't bother with me now. I have my sister on Face book but that's it, I spent Christmas alone getting drunk, but that was fine because I hung out with friends boxing day.

    I was coping fine until all this happened this year, I was self harming a lot but I had it under control then it seems like it has fallen apart somehow.

    Thanks for the Link I will probably read it when I get back later give me something to do, why do your family treat you like that? can i ask? I am sure they would notice-if you don't want to write it here, you can pm anytime I don't mind.

    I guess I should get ready to go out, I am just not going to think about it and have to hope for the best, I still don't know what to do I guess that comes later.

    Sorry that I seem so pathetic and dumb, I am really trying:i'm sorry:
     
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