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why is it??

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jun 25, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    why is it that others do not know just how serious i am??

    I think that either they are really scared for me or they think i am joking or they really do not believe i would do it?

    Why is it that they can not see my pain?

    Why is it that they can not feel the lonleness i feel right now??

    Why is it that doing this is the only way out for me??

    God i hate myself so much.

    I hate myself cause i have hurt others in my past.

    July 4 will be my last holiday and they have no idea that unless they spend that day and time with me that they will not get another chance.

    they really have no idea the emotional pain and hurt i am in.

    they can not possiably comprehand the pain i am in.

    why is it that there is no one close to me nor my family cares??

    why is it that the only way i can find peace is to leave this world?

    God all i ever needed was a simple phone call from two people. that was it , just a simple hello how are you doing or even we missed you or we loved you.

    why do i feel so alone tonight?

    they will never know unless they come here and read this that one phone call from them could have changed everything.

    now it is too late. just too late and my life is soon fading away into the great unknown
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I know that nothing I can say or offer can take the place of what your loved ones could or would say. All I really know about this is that they are either going through their own shit, or that they believe that you are just venting. I've had people simply NOT understand my pain simply because their own pain was so great that they were unable to look at MY pain from my perspective.

    To me, you seem great, you seem loved, you seem beautiful and faithful most of all. I can't diminish your pain, but I CAN tell you that I care about what happens to you. I don't know you, and I don't necessarily understand you entirely, but I care.

    I hope this helps in some way. I just felt compelled to respond to you because your pain is SO palpable...and I know that feeling.

    PM me if you wish :)
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i sent you a pm.

    why is it that i can not just get over it?

    why is it that the two people who meant the world to me could just do me that way without thinking about my feelings?

    why is it that i hurt so much?

    why is it that i miss them so much?
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I PM'd you too :)

    I don't know why it hurts so bad. Maybe because you trusted them so much when you were vulnerable. I know what you mean, in the sense that I have been screwed over by people (parent figures) whom I trusted and who I thought cared about me. I was pissed more than hurt...but I am familiar with the experience in general if you want to talk about it...Wonder if they were the same couple??? :)
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i do not know about them being the same couple or not but they did move around a lot as i have been told??

    but really they hurt me and i can understand really about how much pain i myself and my niece caused them but God they really meant the world to me. i opened up my trust and my love to them. I thought they would always be there for me and i never dreamed that it would end. that the good relationship i had with them would just up and end.

    i mean from the things and flashbacks that i am getting from my past and i can understand the pain and hell i put them through at times but do they not believe in forgiveness? Can they not understand that it was them that practly held me together? do they not understand that when they just wanted me out of their life that my life died??

    i know this sounds so dumb but if you love someone and you lose them and they have meant the world to you then you have lost everything and me i lost everything and their is nothing left for me anymore. i know that they were not my parents but they were like it to me. they showed me what it was to be loved for once in my life and i never could understand it cause no one ever showed me that deep kind of love and then they just left it put a deep whole upon my heart. one that i can not heal.

    God i have tried. i really have tried but i just can not shake the pain of losing them. they were my life. now that they are gone i have nothing. not even a friendship of them that would have meant so much but instead they just love me and left me because they could not handle the love i had to give toward them. it was too much for them.

    now they go on with their life and not ever think about me. how can they just do that?? how can they just go on with their life and not even think about me?? how can they just forget about me?? to me they can because they never loved me in the first place and because i was so alone and volunable to fall for it and the pain is real very real.

    i hope someday that the minister and his wife come here and hope that some day after my death they see what lead me to it and hope that it makes them think about giving their love to someone else and then just leaving without having anything to do with the one again. i do hope this can be prevented to someone else in the future.

    i admit i did a lot and i honestly tried to undo it but i could not undo it. i tried. i really truly and honestly tried but i doubt it would have made any difference. they broke my trust where i am afraid to let my heart love anyone afraid they will leave alone also. if they do stumble upon this site some day i hope they fully understand the hurt they placed upon me and the pain they put me through.

    they were my life and God does it ever hurt so much . even just typing this here is tearing at my heart. just being friends with me would have saved my life but they just do not care. sorry but the tears is just too much right now.
  6. themuffinman

    themuffinman Member

    You said that to another member...

    I have been watching your posts on here.... You seem happiest when you can relate to people.... Find new friends that you can relate to. Not just on the internet, but in the real world. Im not talking about finding friends that have the same problems as you do. But people that you can relate to because of a hobby or the same taste in music. It doesnt matter why you can relate to them, just as long as you can. Do that and you will get through this.
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