Why is it?

[White Dove]

Why is it that people are not there when you need them?

Why do they not care?

Why can they not see my pain?

Why can they not understand that if ever came a time in my life that i needed someone that it was now?

How can i go on knowing i am alone. knowing i am unloved, knowing not one person that i have felt close to is here for me? They never cared.

Why is it that i was never loved? Why is it that there are many more just like me that have never been loved. that are alone and hurting? How come i have to be the one who got this way? How come i had to end up with cancer? is it because of my past?

Why can no one see that i need someone? Why can no one understand my pain, my loneleness,? do they think by rejecting me and ignoring me it will help me? Why cant they see it is killing me. killing me with a force i can not stop. a pain that is unbearable. A pain that will not end.

i have lost all hope in love. a love of any kind because i have no love. i never had any love. They say it is evil . well you combat evil with love do you not? then why wont they love me to kill this evil? Why can i not be loved? Why am i the person who has to endure pain and endure being alone?

Why did i screw up my life? my life is wasted. my will to live is gone. why could i not have died on my last attempt? Why bring me back to endure all this pain again? The church critized for trying to take my life. they never could forgive me so why the hell am i still here?

They hurt me. they hurt me with their pretend love for me. you do not love someone then walk out of their life. that is not love. never has been love. i got accused of being obsessed with them. God why could they not see througfh their own minds and into my true heart. why could they not see it had nothing to do with obsession? Why could they not see they meant everything to me? Why could they not see they hurt me? why can they not see me hurting now? why can they not understand me? i had no one. i basically had no one and then they came along and now i lost them.

i hurt them. God i hurt them and i tried i really tried to get them to just forgive me. to just be a friend to me because they meant everything to me but they want nothing to do with me. i did it. i screwed it all up because i wanted more love then they were willing to give. i drove them away. i hurt them. i drove them from me and now i deserve nothing. i deserve not to live.

i cant go on. i am useless. no one is there to stop me anymore. why did i have to do this? why could i not see that no one could ever truly love me? why could i not see that i can never be loved. they pretended but my love was real. God i can not go on. i just can not endure anymore of this pain. why could they not love me? why could they not be there when i really needed them the most. they dont understand this pain i am in. i doubt they believe it. why can i not accept that they never loved me? why do this to me? why give me this pain? why give me cancer? why?

God why?

 

[the_me_that_you_know]

Why is it that people are not there when you need them?

Why do they not care?

Why can they not see my pain?

Why can they not understand that if ever came a time in my life that i needed someone that it was now?

How can i go on knowing i am alone. knowing i am unloved, knowing not one person that i have felt close to is here for me? They never cared.

Why is it that i was never loved? Why is it that there are many more just like me that have never been loved. that are alone and hurting? How come i have to be the one who got this way? How come i had to end up with cancer? is it because of my past?

Why can no one see that i need someone? Why can no one understand my pain, my loneleness,? do they think by rejecting me and ignoring me it will help me? Why cant they see it is killing me. killing me with a force i can not stop. a pain that is unbearable. A pain that will not end.

i have lost all hope in love. a love of any kind because i have no love. i never had any love. They say it is evil . well you combat evil with love do you not? then why wont they love me to kill this evil? Why can i not be loved? Why am i the person who has to endure pain and endure being alone?

Why did i screw up my life? my life is wasted. my will to live is gone. why could i not have died on my last attempt? Why bring me back to endure all this pain again? The church critized for trying to take my life. they never could forgive me so why the hell am i still here?

They hurt me. they hurt me with their pretend love for me. you do not love someone then walk out of their life. that is not love. never has been love. i got accused of being obsessed with them. God why could they not see througfh their own minds and into my true heart. why could they not see it had nothing to do with obsession? Why could they not see they meant everything to me? Why could they not see they hurt me? why can they not see me hurting now? why can they not understand me? i had no one. i basically had no one and then they came along and now i lost them.

i hurt them. God i hurt them and i tried i really tried to get them to just forgive me. to just be a friend to me because they meant everything to me but they want nothing to do with me. i did it. i screwed it all up because i wanted more love then they were willing to give. i drove them away. i hurt them. i drove them from me and now i deserve nothing. i deserve not to live.

i cant go on. i am useless. no one is there to stop me anymore. why did i have to do this? why could i not see that no one could ever truly love me? why could i not see that i can never be loved. they pretended but my love was real. God i can not go on. i just can not endure anymore of this pain. why could they not love me? why could they not be there when i really needed them the most. they dont understand this pain i am in.

I think people tend to ignore/run from/deny what they cannot understand. Some even fear what they don't understand. I know people let their fear of something turn into hate for something..... why is it human nature to hate what you fear or simply can't understand? This I do not know. I did not create humanity.

 

[Esmeralda]

Are you by any chance in South Florida? I knew a minister and his wife who were very similar. Your church sounds cruel to me. No true Christian should ever "punish" someone by alienating them. Have you considered talking to a priest? They are highly educated, compassionate, offer meaningful advice, absolutely confidential and FREE!

 

[ybt]

Are you by any chance in South Florida? I knew a minister and his wife who were very similar. Your church sounds cruel to me. No true Christian should ever "punish" someone by alienating them. Have you considered talking to a priest? They are highly educated, compassionate, offer meaningful advice, absolutely confidential and FREE!

LOL peanut, did you mean that post ironically? if you did that was amazing

 

[White Dove]

Are you by any chance in South Florida? I knew a minister and his wife who were very similar. Your church sounds cruel to me. No true Christian should ever "punish" someone by alienating them. Have you considered talking to a priest? They are highly educated, compassionate, offer meaningful advice, absolutely confidential and FREE!

no i am in tennessee.

The church of Christ claim that God punishes his children. a tough love they call it to bring them back to Christ if they have done something wrong. in this case i did something very wrong. i attempted my life on more then one time. it is evil ( they call it ) and even in my last attempt when i was out of my body i heard the minister say it is evil pure evil and i overheard him say that she cant keep doing this or shes going to have to quit coming. then i heard nothing more but went on into the peace and quiet of the afterlife then i remember is waking up.

In the afterlife i had peace and there was no pain. it was dark. it was very dark that i could not even see my hands then this light bright light appears asking me if this was what i wanted. i said no but i should have said yes. this being was surrounded with love. i could feel the love. now i feel nothing and i want that feeling of love back. i want that peace back.

they never forgave me for that attempt. even though i made a public humiliation and walked up front for their forgiveness but i received none. i got a cold feeling that day. i was crying on the inside and when i needed the love of Gods people it was like there was nothing there. not one person that day hugged me. i did not need a hug that day. that was not what was important to me. what was important to me was to know that i had been forgiven for my attempt. it was to know that i was truly loved.

i felt used. i still feel used. i feel as though there is nothing. it was not as if i had been walking up front all the time. i had been up front at least 2 other times. i was coming to God and i was hurting inside and i was rejected. i am still rejected by those who should not reject me. i have done too much to even be forgiven of in this life so i have to end it. i had a past and it is a past that will forever haunt me.

i made a mistake. i have made several mistakes. i let my heart trust in others and i get hurt. i tried. i have tried so many times but there comes a time when one has to say stop and when one has to quit. so now is my time to quit. i can no longer trust a minister. fear . fear is whats keeping me back. fear of rejection. Fear of what others see me as.

i was trying so hard to get people to love me or to just accept me for who i am on the inside. Just accept my heart. now my heart is broken and tattered that nothing can heal it. i have lost all feeling of love, of hope. i am dying on the inside both physically and emotionally. there is not one there for me and when i need them the most.

What good would it be for them to be there now for me? if they were not there before when they thought i was healthy then why do i need them now when i am dying inside with cancer? it truly would not be true love. they would be there only because they felt sorry for me not because of true love.

i am rejected. i am alone. i am abandoned just like Christ was. I feel his pain. i can feel his loneleness. i feel the sadness he felt. this emotional pain that they inflict upon me is considered harsh tough love to them but what it really is to me is a slow dying pain that is slowly killing me that has a force that even i can not stop.

 

[Esmeralda]

These people are NOT true Christians. Please consider talking to a Catholic priest. In the Catholic church, NOTHING is unforgivable. NOTHING. You confess to a priest, and are absolved of your sins entirely. They never judge, and only give you advice if you ask for it. I have told priests my deepest, darkest secrets and was never judged. Consider leaving this church for another because it is ridiculous that you are being treated this way. It's them, not you.

 

[White Dove]

These people are NOT true Christians. Please consider talking to a Catholic priest. In the Catholic church, NOTHING is unforgivable. NOTHING. You confess to a priest, and are absolved of your sins entirely. They never judge, and only give you advice if you ask for it. I have told priests my deepest, darkest secrets and was never judged. Consider leaving this church for another because it is ridiculous that you are being treated this way. It's them, not you.

please do not be angry with the church of christ any?

They are some really good people in the church of christ. that is their belief and their faith which was my faith once. everything that happened including me feeling rejected was all my fault. i did wrong. i tried to take my life because of a depression which i still have. It is a force and a pain that not many can fully understand. Even though i felt betrayed and rejected and still do i do not blame them. it is their way. according to their belief it is Gods way.

I did not post this to hurt the church of christ in any way. i really do not blame them for me and in fact i wonder why they put up with me in the first place. They did help me a time or two and even once bought me a car when mine had quit on me. They are really some good people.

They do not understand my pain. nobody really understands my pain at all. this pain has no way to end as i see it. i have no way to stop it. it is a force unlike anything i have ever had to deal with. They had every right to do what they think is right.

i on the other hand am faced with trying to fight something that can never be fought. it can never be won for me. the pain is so great that it enslaves me in its path. i have tried so hard to fight it but what point is there in fighting something that i can not win.

everything that has happened to me has been my fault. I am the one to blame for it all. i did not take care of myself in my younger years and did without food many times. i eat the wrong kinds of food when i did have something to eat and now i am faced with a dying cancer that can not be cured at all. there is no hope for me. it has gone too far and spread to way too many organs for anything to help.

I am glad that there is at least a place here where i can tell my true feelings online without all the bad feedback from others. What all i speak here is my true feelings. my true fears. my true wishes to end this world sooner. i seen and watched my mom suffer. i held her hand as she threw up gane green and i can not stand to go through what she went through. she was tough. i on the other hand am not so tough.

My life is ending. rather i take these next steps or not it will end in one year. i have nothing left. i have no family , no church family , no friends. and now my hope of even believing in God is slowly fading away.

please do not be angry or upset with any church of christ. they do what they think is best. and i just do not see how they even put up with me and my pathic life. they had every right to do the things they did. even though they do not understand my true pain or the force that controls my emotions and therefore can not understand. i know what it is like to be totally alone now. i know what Jesus felt when he was alone just before he died on that cross. maybe it is Gods punishment to me? maybe it is something more? but this pain is so powerful and to those who can not understand they can not feel this pain. they can not understand what i live through day in and day out.

to any church of christ members. i did not mean this to turn into a bad thing for any of you and if it did i fully apologize if it seemed that way. you have your beliefs like i once had. why you put up with me is beyond me or the reasons why i do not understand. the reasons for me to suffer or endure this pain i can not ever understand.

this pain must end. if not by regular means then by my own hands. i can not endure nor fight a losing battle. i am losing this battle of life and this battle of cancer both at the same time. it is a force that can not be stopped.