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Why is life just a sequence of ironic dilemmas and catch-22s?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Apr 18, 2009.

  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I hate people! I don't believe people are 'generally good', people are shit, people are mean, selfish and evil, people think about themselves first and others later. There are no selfless deeds - everybody is thinking of themselves underneath it all and how what they are doing will eventually benefit them. Whether it be money, gratuity & praise, friendship and love....

    But I want to be loved. No... I NEED to be love. I crave love and understanding and acceptance and real friendship like nothing else in this world. I need someone to care for me with pure authenticity, I need someone to love me in that exact same way. I need to be wanted, I crave it, I want it. But for that - I need people.
    These same people that I despise? Really? Ugh. Great. :dry:

    I'm fat. I'm fat and I'm ugly, I do not have a pretty face and I have crap boobs that are small and are as flat as pancakes, so even in being fat I have nothing I can use to attract the opposite sex. I am almost 18 stone, which is about 250lbs. I use food as a way of making me happy, and then I get depressed because food is what is making me fat.
    Men say things like don't listen to the haters, love yourself, fat girls need love to. You can get a man you're pretty, you're sweet, you're fun, you're a nice girl. Friends say things like you're intelligent, you're a catch, you're amazing, you're loving. Just because you aren't a size 0 - who cares. You're big and beautiful, you are a sexy big girl and they'd be crazy not to want you. You're not even that fat anyway.

    Okay men, if I'm so pretty, sweet and fun how come you won't date me? How come your girlfriends are all skinny and blonde, how come when a fat girl asks you out you say fuck no I wouldn't date that fat ugly heffer, how come most of you look at fat women as if they are some sort of disease, how come you only want to be my friend, how come how come how come ay Gok Wan? With your size 6 catwalk models you fucking liar.
    Friends, thank you for pretending to build up my confidence but how about you just shut up, smile and nod in the future?
    If I'm so sexy how come as soon as you put on a pound you scream bloody murder and don't eat for a week? How come we go shopping and you pick up a size 10 and say something like Oh God, this is tight, I need to go on a diet or OMG I look so fat *pinches an inch of nothing from her waist*. How come you laugh at fat girls in clubs or when fat girls hit on your boyfriend you say "oh I'm not worried", or when you're competing with a fat chick in anything you assume you will win or when you hate someone at work or college she is always a fat bitch. You want the world to be this accepting place, but you are no better than anyone else!

    My dilemmas continue, I'd be here all day.

    Dilemma? I can't get a job, I get jobs I hate, I get jobs I can't do, I'm not qualified to do anything.

    Catch-22? Because I have no confidence, because you won't hire me, because when I get there I leave, because I'm lazy.

    Dilemma? Mum and Dad, you treat me like shit, you've verbally abused me so much, that is why I am the way I am.

    Catch-22? Mum and Dad, I want to love you and I need you around but secretly I want to hate you and get away from you. I'm all twisted up inside over this. I don't know what to feel it's like barbed wire is around my heart and tightening up in my chest the more I talk about this.

    Dilemma? I want to kill myself. This world is too difficult for me to live in. Maybe some of us just weren't meant to be here. We arrived by mistake and now we struggle to get through this thing called life. We struggle to breathe, we struggle to wake up in the mornings.
    We just struggle.

    Catch-22? I'm scared. I'm too scared to end it all. What is on the other side? Will it hurt? Will I go to hell? Will they deem me selfish for bearing me and then me taking my own life? I'm too scared to kill myself. So I live on and I keep on suffering.