Why is life so hard?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bleedorange, Mar 15, 2007.

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  1. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    Life is kicking my ass and I don't know how much more of this I can handle..., let me tell you why.

    I am 22 and currently not in school this semester and not employed. I got fired from my job I've had for 4 years two weeks ago. It happened because of two reasons. I was late that morning and I walked out in the afternoon because I caught my manager lying about letting one of the other guys leave early, he was trying to screw me over into staying and doing HIS job. So I walked out because I technically got OFF work at that time and had been there 9 hours already. But because of a new rule that went into effect THAT DAY, I wasn't supposed to leave until both of our jobs were done because we now work in teams and the other guy was on MY team, but my manager let him go early!

    He told me I didn't work as hard as him, but I spent the morning doing somebody else's job because he didn't do it to try and screw over some of the other people I worked with (none of which were actually there that day).

    So I went to pick up my check the next day and was fired. I got mad and started cussing out my boss, manager and everyone else. And in trying to defend myself I wound up ratting out some of my co-worker friends, they had broken and stolen some stuff, and now they're not my friends anymore.

    I had been playing guitar and one of my co-workers was going to be in a band with me, but now that won't happen because they all hate me. All the friends I had left in the world.

    ... my oldest and best friend is now married and in the marines so I never see him anymore and he even doesn't call me like he used to, so now I feel even more alone.

    I've been trying to get a job, but my references are fucked over now and nobody will hire me. I have $14 left to my name. I still live with my parents so it's not SO bad I guess, but I'm 22 and STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.

    I didn't go to school this semester because I'm out of core classes to take and I still have NO IDEA what it is in this world I want to do or could do.

    I have tried and tried and tried but no matter what I cannot get a girlfriend. I have never had one. I once thought this one girl liked me and I was crazy about her, but when I told her how I felt she didn't care, she even went as far as to say we were never friends, just acquiescences, even though we ate together every day at lunch.

    ... As I sit here at 3:30 in the afternoon, I realize I have absolutely no purpose anymore in life. No job, no girl, no friends, no life. I stay up until 3 am watching stupid crap on TV and wake up at 1pm in the afternoon... because I have nowhere to be, no one to talk to and nowhere to go.

    I hate it and I want everything to change. I WANT a girlfriend, I WANT a job-nay, a career. But it seems like no matter how hard I try to get this stuff, it just doesn't come.

    I refuse to be some 30 year old loser who has no life living with his parents. And if things don't get better soon... well, I have a fear of going to hell if I kill myself... so what I may do is just take incredibly stupid risks, not caring if they kill me until one of them finally does. I don't know if that would count as suicide or not, but the truth is I don't really want to die. I want things to get better. But it seems that they just do not want to.

    Do you know how many times I got on my knees and prayed for things to get better? I'm still going nowhere.

    I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    ... i check myspace out, but there is no one to leave me any messages on there. there is no one to talk to, no one to call... I swear it makes me cry... i hate life so much sometimes..
     
  3. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    nobody even talks to me on a suicide forum... maybe it is best to just kill myself. I wasn't wrong in thinking nobody cares.
     
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hi there, haven't read your posts just yet but have just seen this and wanted you to know that I am reading now, if you need anyone to chat to you are welcome to pm me anytime
     
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey bleedorange, first of all welcome to SF and I hope you find it some help and get the support you want right now. :)

    Sounds like things have been pretty rough for you but they won't be like this forever. It sucks that you lost your job and were treated unfairly by your boss. If you feel you were treated differently to the other guy on your team, can you lodge an official complaint? It's understandable that you were angry when you lost your job, hopefully your friends will come around and forgive you, did they lose their jobs? Have you tried talking to one of your friends on their own to try and explain things? If they can understand maybe they can talk to your other friends for you.

    Yes, the reference from your last boss could be a bit of a concern when it comes to applying for new jobs, do you think it would help if you could talk to your boss now that things have calmed down? On your resume/CV you could put down other jobs you've had in the past or even tutors from school.

    Don't try and force yourself into a relationship, it'll happen in it's own time. I have noticed if you look then it doesn't happen, just carry on living life and love will come your way. It's a shame your friend treated you like that and I can understand how much that would upset you, have you considered joining interest groups? Or maybe getting into sports. Things like this are great opportunities to meet people with the same interests as you and to make friends. Then, when you become friends you may get close to someone and relationships can happen. The best relationships are those that have a strong friendship base.

    There's no shame living with your parents at 22. Not at all. You can't help your situation at present and it's good you have your parents to lean back on when things aren't going your way. You are still considerably young, too. As cliche as it may sound, you still have your whole life ahead of you so please don't give up now. :hug:
     
  6. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    Thanks. I never took suicidal thoughts seriously. I have had them before but right now I feel so worthless I have actually taken a gun and put it to my head with my finger on the trigger, squeezing just a little but not enough to make it go off. I was terrified to pull it all the way but why would I even do it if I wasn't a little serious? How much longer will it be before I really do it? I don't know the answer myself but I'm becoming more reckless and less worried about the consequences it as time goes on.
     
  7. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I'd just like to say that I am a 36 year old loser, haven't had a girlfriend in 7 years and can't hold down a job and I live with my parents. I do have alot of good and caring, loving friends that mean the world to me and me to them, all found on this site. Stick around, if nothing else you will have a place to vent and maybe a few friends to chat with in the early hours, it's not as good as getting out there and living but it helps just knowing somone other than your family gives a shit (another thing I am eternally grateful for).
     
  8. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member



    I'm afraid to go back and talk to my boss after the things I said. And I'm scared that nothing will happen if I don't look for love. It hasn't found me yet and I certainly haven't been "looking" like I used to as much.
     
  9. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    I meant no offense by that statement. I just don't want to be in the same lonely place I am now 10 years down the road. That is what I mean. I wanto be successful at something. But I keep failing. And it seems that the longer life goes on the worse it gets and the less friends I have. But thanks for caring.
     
  10. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    See how I offended someone with something I said. I didn't even mean to do it but did it anyway. The more I think about it the more I realize that all I do is make people not like me.
     
  11. Robin

    Robin Guest

    You misunderstood, I wasn't offended at all I promise :) I just meant that only the tiniest of humanity will make a major impact on the lives of millions, for the rest of us, the good we do is largely anonymous in history.
     
  12. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    If you're scared to speak to your boss face to face can you speak to them on the phone or write a letter? Instead of focusing on love it may be more beneficial to focus more on friendships. Friendships tend to last longer than relationships and like I said in the last post, friendship is a good base for a relationship. You can love your friends, and yes it may not be the same type as romantic love but friendship love is great on it's own. Sorry if I'm not making much sense and also apologies for all the questions I've asked especially in the last post, just want to help. :) :hug:
     
  13. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    I will give myself some more time, but if things don't get better for me I am going to kill myself. It sucks when I count the years that I've said to myself they'd get better but they got worse. If this is another "worse" year (which so far it is)... I am not going to do it anymore.
     
  14. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    I'm also afraid of just being friends. I have tried that route but the girls always tell me they see me as a friend and not as someone to date. one even told me she would never have told someone how she felt if she had been there friend for a long time, basically saying it was dumb of me to tell her how I really felt.

    I don't want my feelings towards someone to grow in a friendship to only be shot down.. again.
     
  15. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    I have even had a girl tell me "You know why I didn't want to date you? Look in the mirror bud, if you can't figure it out than your stupid." That still hurts today.
     
  16. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I'm glad you've decided to give yourself more time, hopefully you will find a spot in this world that you feel comfortable with and in touch with, it's a good feeling but can take a while to aquire.
     
  17. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    It's very odd. Some days I don't feel this lonely and others I have a sudden and frightful feeling of loneliness. Where I start looking for people to talk to but when I find no one I get more depressed. Today is one of those days. But you people are helping. I am bipolar or maybe a social anxiety disorder or something?
     
  18. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I'm glad you found us, sorry you had to reach a point so low you had to look for us.
     
  19. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    This is an animation i made earlier today..

    <mod edit: Robin - link depicts suicide>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2007
  20. bleedorange

    bleedorange Member

    I tried calling my boss as per your suggestion but he told me that he has had enough of me and no apology will be accepted and it's a free country to just go find another job. I told him you'll give me a bad reference and he said that's what I deserve. :sad:
     
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