i know i'm coming to the end. i'm finishing, as best i can, the few things i have left to do. i am trying to do what i can to explain this decision to my kids, and to make sure that everything is as easy for them as possible. the thing that i'm still struggling with most of all, though, is how this will affect them in the long run. the few people i have talked to about this try to convince me that my suicide will have disastrous consequences on them. they tell me about how they would feel if their fathers killed themselves. they tell me about statistics that suggest that children of parents who kill themselves are more likely themselves to consider suicide. i'm sure there is validity to all of this, but i am also sure that people react differently to things based on lots of variables and on their unique situation. why can't it be possible that my kids will adjust to this just fine? why isn't it possible that they will understand why this is the right decision? or maybe they'll just hate me for doing this and never think about me again . . . i'd be perfectly happy with that result, too. how can anyone be sure that my death is going to be a horrible thing that they will never be able to deal with?