I understand. I have been there and it is confusing. But u do deserve sooo much better. Once u get away and have some time, u will look back and wonder why u ever took that shit from anybody and wanted them in your life. But until then, I know it is very hard to stay away and u do have to be ready. The sooner the better, becomes it only gets worse. U are in love with who u wish he is, not who he really is. Look at the truth and facts not feelings.
Later on it is so hard to forgive yourself for staying so long. U can do this! Calling the hotline can help with encouragement. Also, reading articles so u are able to see more what is really going on helps too. Counseling helps a lot because they can help u to see clearly and get healthy self esteem so u never take abuse from anyone ever again.