Why is this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Austere Night, Aug 28, 2008.

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  1. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    Am I the only one here that gets the most ridiculous feeling in the world; the feeling that you don't want to get better? No matter how much I know something can help me, I always seem to be hesitant. I get this feeling that my depression has become such an integral part of who I am, that'd I'd rather die with it than be cured of it and feel as though I was no longer myself.

    It's the most counter-intuitive thing, but I can't shake it, regardless of what I do or what rationality I bring to it.
     
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    If I read you correctly, I don't think you're alone in this.

    My take: after one has spent so long adapting to depression, there's solace in remaining there. Sometimes I feel it would disturb my perception and sense of awareness if I rocked the boat. So, although the boat I'm in has holes, I'll let it sink. I guess I kinda don't care anyway. I find comfort in the thought of suicide, and the thought's closer if the desolation remains.

    But I'm sorry it's like that for you. Hope you figure something out. Feel free to PM me if you need a listener or anything :hug:
     
  3. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    I think the other part of it is that I thinking all the time when I'm sad, of various things and because I've this I'm above average in academics because of it. Whenever I'm happy, I never bother to. Every time I get happy, I get sad that my happiness is so out of place and stifles my ability to think. A horrible perpetual motion.
     
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You need to find out who you really are. Your depression does not describe who you are any more than your hair or eye color describes who you are. Take out the trash. Cut away everything that is ancillary and get to the fundamental "you". That's who you are.
     
  5. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    I don't agree with that analogy. My eye colour is a trait of something I have. My depression is more analogous to the whole eye, or a leg or something. It's always been there, and thusly has become an actual part of my being. It has been shown, in movies and in life, that amputees have a bit of an identity crisis when they lose a limb. It was always there with them, so it became part of who they were. Cutting depression off of me is like cutting off a cancerous leg. I may be better off without it, but it is something of myself I'm losing.
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have been holding on to mine for 15 years. With therapy I kind of put it behind a glass window so I know it is there but I am not acting on it. I have held on to it for so long that it is definitely a permanent part of my life. I think about it everyday and using my coping skills I put it where it belongs behind the glass. Well that is about it. Yes I think about it dailey!!!:chopper:!!!
     
  7. jdb

    jdb Member

    I've had depression all my life, and I consider it part of who I am as well, bit I think it's a part I could be without. Besides of that there are lots of other things I am as well but never had the chance to know. Depression helds me back, while life is going forward. Even if foreword isn't that good on its own, it's better than staying put. So I guess I agree except for the part that I wouldn't mind changing into something else.
     
  8. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    i get that feeling a lot, probably cos when im depressed i know were i am....rock bottom, pretty simple.
    not being there confuses me and i get out of my comfort zone, i dont know how to cope with constant positive emotion.
     
  9. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    Maybe you need to find something to grip onto that's worth cutting away the depression for, like cutting off an arm in a trap to reach the glass of water that'll let you survive. Maybe it'll require to let your depression go and suffer a while before finding what it is that will fill that missing piece.. i don't know.. i talk crap lots so feel free to ignore me ^^
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I've posted about this before. It seems like a lot of people suffering from depression have a hard time getting better, because the depression (and everything that goes along with it) have become part of who you are, and it's hard to just give it all up. It's like a captian going down with his sinking ship instead of grabbing a safety line and get into a rowboat. To overcome depression, you have to get out of your comfort zone and try different things.
     
  11. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    My mom actually said this to me but IMO it couldn't be further from the truth. She said sometimes I think you want to be miserable

    Since this integrative doc things I have Lyme disease and theres all these supplements to boost my immune system or get rid of it. Although when I take supplements in high doses or even in little ones they dry my skin on my lips and around my mouth. And I just feel that much worse she doesn't really comprehend this.

    I told her she's right in one sense I want to feel miserable, because I haven't killed myself yet. Being in so much pain with that the only escape it makes sense.

    I have only recently been depressed with all these wacky symptoms I'm having. Before that I was just Anxious insecure, somewhat reclusive just happy in my own little world of video games, weights, smoking weed, eating, TV, etc... Sure I went out a couple dozen times I a year with frends but that was about it.
     
  12. monkeypunchluff

    monkeypunchluff Well-Known Member

    Sometimes, when I'm feeling depressed, I just want to stay that way. If it's raining, I actually take morose joy in the horrible feeling I have. You aren't alone! :)

    It really does become of part of who you are, but you shouldn't let it define you.
     
  13. 4degreesbelowzero

    4degreesbelowzero New Member

    My depression has made me pessimistic, satirical, and critical. Yet, somehow I think more clearly when I'm in a depressed state. Depression and alienation from others forced me to reflect more and learn more about myself, and gave me a certain uniqueness. I know I'd be better off if I could shed this problem, but such a large part of my identity came as a result of depression and anxiety. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I started feeling as if I fit in with people.
     
  14. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    Thats what I was trying to say.
     
  15. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I think that some people romanticize depression in the sense that they feel "deeper" and more "profoundly" and more "intensely" than other people. The bottom line is that we all have a certain depth of emotions, but that some people are able to better deal with these feelings via certain coping mechanisms.

    Not being depressed makes you no less "deep" or "profound". It just means that you are better able to cope with the feelings of dispair that we ALL feel.

    Depression is not romantic, it is not glamorous and it is not profound. It is a state of mind, period.

    Depression (no matter how much you identify with it) is not "YOU". It is an aspect, even a DEfect of you. To see your life clearly is to understand yourself and the world around you. This is not a giving up of your identity or your person, on the contrary, it is cleaning up the bullshit that is PREVENTING you from actually being yourself.

    Get rid of it. Don't hang onto it like a security blanket. Strip yourself of it as best you can and live the life you were intended to live.

    You are not your depression. Far from it.
     
  16. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's romantic, or glamorous or worth envy. I don't think it is inherently a stimulant for thought; but it is for me. The more depressed I am the more I understand whatever I'm thinking of. I've learned more in my stints in the hospital than I ever have off my anti-depressant hi. Maybe it's wrong. Maybe it's just plain crazy; but so am I.
     
  17. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    But this is the nature of depression. You seem to think that what you are feeling in some way gives you more insight into your life than other people have, either into YOUR life in particular, or into their own lives as well.

    This is untrue. Your depression is a STATE, not your BEING. There is a huge difference here.
     
  18. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    I'm making no claim my insight is any greater than anybody elses'. I'm well aware there are plenty people above an below me on that scale.

    Yes, it is a state. A state, just like interest. They are both just states, but they both - at least for me - are a catalyst for thought. Maybe it isn't for you, maybe it isn't for most anybody, but it is for me.
     
  19. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have learned to live with it. That is a part of why I Isolate. My therapist say's that If that is how I feel, Then that is o.k. There is no right and wrong. You just need to determin How you feel and learn to be intimate with yourself. Other coping skills are positive self talk, don't discount the positives, don't discount the positive thoughts, visualation, positive self talk. That is enough to get you to thinking..:chopper:..
     
  20. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    "Don't discount the positives."

    I don't. It's not a half full or half empty problem with me. It's more like is the cup one tenth full or nine tenths empty.
     
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